All of my feels tonight. Written like those Spoken Word poets.

Where are you when I need you most?
When I'm lying alone,
When I'm crying alone,
When I am alone and want nothing more than your hands wrapped around me telling me I am not ALONE.


The thing with this disease is that my pride takes over.
I'll push you away until I know you don't want to stay.
Because I feel the need to be alone.
Because I feel claustrophobic.
Because my damn pride can't handle the fact that I deserve love.
I deserve someone to hold me when I can't hold myself up,
When my limbs feel too heavy to take one more step.




I've found I don't know if I can handle doing this alone anymore.


The saying 'Fake it till you make it' was something I used to live by.
Something I would tell myself every minute of everyday,
telling my emotions that would make me red in the face
making me suffocate on my own tears to go fuck themselves.
That they didn't deserve to see the light of day.
Because no one in their right mind would care if I get angry
Or any other emotion that doesn't resemble a smile.


I am a hypocrite
I am a hypocrite when I say I don't want to be alone anymore.
I cannot seem to apologize for pushing
And pushing
And pushing
You so far away I can't even see your face in my mind anymore.


I am scared that one day this disease will eat me from the inside out.
I am afraid that I will lose you in my own cloud of despair.
I am terrified every moment of everyday that you will leave me on the side of the road like roadkill.


I wish that I could speak the way I could write. Make all of my words flow and move swiftly with one another. I wish I could talk to those I love the same way I talk to my keyboard and my computer screen. Letting the pitter-patter of my keys bashing down on themselves making letters into words that show my true colors. Why can't key's be like peoples ears. Let me type out my words to you so you can hear me clearly now. Let me type out my words so I am not blocked by the constant filter reminding me I have a "reputation" to live up to... There is no reputation. There is nothing except for the standard I made for myself, where emotions that don't include smiles and optimism don't exist.

I wish I could speak the way I write.