Silly Stupid Mistakes.

There are times when all I want to do is help.
Make people feel better when they are going through hell.

I've found that I don't usually help, but hurt.
I am still trying to understand why I do this.
Why I try and force myself onto others problems and be there for them when they don't want me to.

It's quite silly.

I think it's a distraction.
From my own hell.
I don't want to say that I live through hell, because there are people who have worse situations than I.

Most of us have our own hell's we live through.
Some it's financial issues,
Others it's family issues,
Others it's a chemical imbalance,
Others it's friend situations.
Others it's all of the above.

It's been a over seven years and I'm still not ready to talk about what my hell fully was.
I don't know if I ever will be.

Part of me is ashamed with what I've done in my past.
Another part of me wants to say it doesn't matter anymore because it's in fact the past.
While most of myself still looks at it almost everyday and gets upset at what I've done.

Silly stupid mistakes.
That should mean nothing, mean the world to me.


I have recently talked to someone who is going through their own hell.
I wanted to be there for this person more than I wanted to be there for someone.
Because I cared about this person more than I think they cared about me.
It's been a few days since this person and I have spoken,
I cant help it but I mentally push them away from them.
Which is really stupid.
But it's protection for myself.
So I don't get hurt.
Crazy thinking.
Because I'm hurting myself in the process.

Making me crawl back to the "hell" I live.

It happens to all.
Do not be ashamed of it.

But try not to embrace it fully either.
Let your "hell" be something that doesn't control your life.
I am learning to do this.
Let's go on this journey together.

Rain Falls Down- We The Kings

Trust in Me.

Be carefree around me.

Do not worry about anything when you're with me.

Let me be your escape.

Let me be a world forgotten.

I care about you more than you will ever know.

I will be there for you through the thick and the thin.

I will be there to help you.

I will be there when you need a place to stand.

I will be there when you need a place to cry.

I will be there throughout the journey.

Trust in me.

Let me be your guide.

Let me be your hand hold.

Let me be there for you.

Let everything be as it was.

But let me be there for you.

Let me care for you.

I will always be there for you.

Always.

Don't Go- Jake Coco ft. Caitlin Hart

Silly me.

I should have known better.
I should have been smarter about the whole situation.
I let my heart override my mind.
Silly me.

I should have looked deeper into it.
I should have looked at your character.
I should have read between the lines
Silly me.

I should have listened to the PSA's.
I should have just left it alone.
I should have just forgotten about it.
Silly me. 

I wanted the attention.
I forgot what I was doing.
I let you get to my head.
Silly me.

I need to forget about you.
I need to just forget about all of it.
I don't know what to think anymore.
Silly me...

Silly me...

Silly me.

Dear...

Person I hate,
I don't hate you... I just wish you weren't so hurtful. I wish that I didn't feel like I wanted to throw up because of the tension. I don't apologize. Whatever happened was for the best. Right?

Person I like,
Oh man, I hope you like me too. I really hope that whatever happens is for the best. You make me incredibly nervous. In a good way. I'm glad I'm getting to know you. See you soon.

Ex-Boyfriend,
It's been a REALLY long time. I laugh at what our "relationship" was. It was quite silly... we were so young. I remember when I thought your hugs could change my whole mood.  I do miss talking to you though. I hope you're doing well.

Ex- Bestfriend,
It's been a few years since we've talked. I am glad we reconciled. I forgive you for that last day senior year. I don't  think our friendship will ever be the same. Which sucks, but I'm glad you're doing okay, and moving on with your life.

Best friend,
Girl. I love you to bits. I am so inspired by you. All of you. I am so happy with how far you've come, I am so excited for what the future has in store. I love you!!!! I miss you like crazy a lot. I wanna see you soon. Text me/ call me anytime please.

*Anyone*,
Hi, it's been a while since we've talked. My dear anyone... I recently saw your name in the paper. I cannot even explain to tell you how badly I want to be there for you. I hope you're doing okay. You seem like you're doing great, anyone. I miss you.

Santa,
I never got that pony I asked for as a kid. But now that I'm older I am glad. A ponies a big job to handle and I was nowhere near ready to own a pony. Thanks for giving me something to believe in. Life was easier when I believed in you.

Mom,
There is so much I want to say to you. I don't hate you. I don't hate our family.... I hate that our house is toxic. I hate that a lot of it is us. Me... I will always love you, you've given me the world and more. I will be forever grateful for that.

Dad,
I don't hate you. I will never hate you. You're my dad. The first man I ever learned to love. I still love you to death. I hate that we don't have a relationship to work with. I hate it. I wish we could both change. I love you.

Future Me,
Don't worry about me now. Live it up, whatever you're doing. It's probably awesome, because you're awesome. Seriously. Look. Whatever you're doing now is part of God's will. Don't question it. You've got this.

Past Me,
Man, you were a mess. But you were loved... You still are.... You were one crazy person, me... I don't really know what to say to you. I've learned a lot from you. Thanks for the lessons.

Person I'm Jealous of,
It's funny because I don't even think we've talked in a REALLY long time. I wish I was as happy as you. That's what I wish. I look at your life and just question how you did it. A few years ago, you seemed to be where I am now. I want you to tell me how you did it.

Person I had a Crush on,
I laugh at myself now, because you seem like a total jerk. What did I even see in you? Thank you though, for laughing in my face, a real life changing moment that. I raised my standards because of you. Thanks.

Girl friend,
I haven't talked to you in a long time... Facebook says you're doing well. You seem happy. That's good. Hopefully we talk again soon.

Boyfriend (Update),
You've made me the happier than I have been in a really long time. We are crazy. What we have is crazy. Words can't describe how I feel about you. Thank you, for loving me, for being there, for being my guardian.....

URL,
Hey, thanks for making me laugh when no one else can. And making me more knowledgeable about things that don't matter! YEP! YOU ROCK. Even if my mom hates you. <3

We are stronger than the disease

It comes in cycles.

The cycles look kind of like triangles.

Or trapezoids.

You go up this slight slope of feeling good.

You plateau for a bit. Feeling good.

Thinking life is going okay.

Then all of a sudden the decline.

The drop.

The cycle looks like one of those awkward square trapezoids you learned about in 3rd grade.

A Right Trapezoid (go look it up (Google images))

It's a very sudden drop.

You have no time to prepare for it.

BOOM you're down at the bottom of that trapezoid.

Just chillin'

Your mind doesn't quite know what hit you.

All you can think about is how well you were doing.

How good things were.

That's what this disease does.

Makes you constantly think about your past.

Makes you think it was so much better then.

That nothing will ever be like it was then.

It will just be worse...

It's like you keep getting stuck in the rip tide.

Unable to free yourself.

Unable to escape.

There's always that little hope though.

That maybe I will escape from this sickening trick.

These types of diseases are like cancer...

There is always that chance that it may come back.

 It's always got a small wrap around you.

You're always fighting.

That's something I've learned.

Like a cancer patient,

I can never give up.

If I give up the disease wins.

And I'm screwed.

I am not going to be screwed over by a stupid disease.

A stupid illness.

I am stronger than that.

We are stronger than that.

We are stronger than the disease.

Godspeed <3

I've Missed You.

Its been a while.

Seriously, I've missed this blog.

It's nice to have a place to just let things out.
To use this amazing gift God has given me to write what I'm feeling and maybe inspire others too.

Let me just give a little update.

It's been quite some time since I've written to you wonderful people. 

Let's just say life has been looking up.

God most definitely has me in His hands.

At the beginning of this month I was invited by application process to go to an Interview Weekend up in St. Paul, Minnesota for NET Ministries, National Evangelization Team Ministries. What an experience. They made me very excited to want to go out into the world and evangelize to the youth around the world. If you feel like you're called to evangelize, or do retreats for youth with a group of young adults and you are between the ages of 18 and 28, check them out.

This experience really opened my eyes to my mission in life, to be a youth minister. Which I am more than excited about. God has really opened my eyes to the amazing world of youth ministry and what amazing things I could potentially do.

I found a few days after the retreat that God is calling me to do other things for this next year. NET unfortunately is not in this years future.

I did however grow from the experience. I know my potential. I know what I need to do to get even closer to God. Which is just so great. SO GREAT!

Life for me has been good.
God has me in His hands. Which is wonderful.

I am happy. I feel good. Life is going my way.

My journey is continuing.

And I am more than excited.

Godspeed <3