Day 36.

Torture.
The chains that have restrained me are starting to leave marks.
Scars.
he's blinded me.
I am surrounded.

his words haunt me.
I haven't even shown you my worst.
I'm just getting started.
his words have surrounded everything I know to be real.
he's shown me scenarios of my life.
Showing me what I could be.
What I could have.

I want none of it.
Go away.
My mouth becomes dry.
I know what he's capable of.
he laughs removing the darkness from my eyes.
Pardon?
his polite manner makes me want to vomit.

I'm not afraid of you.
I can't look him in the face.
I keep His words in my head.
You are so strong.
I am not afraid of you.
I say again, glaring into his piercing blue eyes.
his wicked smile returns.

Don't lose eye contact.
he walks over to me.
I shake with fear repeating His words in my head again.
You are strong,
Brave.
I am with you in the silence.
He is here now.

The only sound was the click of his shoes as he moves for the kill.
I close my eyes and picture the light.
he forces my eyes open.
Staring unsympathetically into his now red eyes.
his grotesque smile was larger than ever.

I try to keep Him in my mind.
I pray as he holds my face.
everything burns.

Hail Mary full of grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed are You Among women,
And blessed is the fruit of Your womb,
Holy Mary, Mother of God.
Pray for us sinners,
Now and at the our of our death
Amen.

The world turned black.

Day 35.

he doesn't seem to be growing weak,
I seem to be growing stronger.
he sees it.
My weaknesses shrinking.

"I won't lose."
he hissed.
The chains around me squeezed to emphasise the threat.
I begin to get irriated.
his thoughts intrude my mind again.
I haven't even shown you the worst yet.
his laugh engulfs my brain.
It makes me want to SCREAM!

But that's what he wants.
he wants me to feel anger.
Pain. Anguish.
he feeds off of those things.


I've heard Him again.
You are strong.
Brave.
I see you.
I hear you.
I am here, in the silence.
Patience, everything will be well.


This put him on edge.
Most things have been.
Knowing that he may lose.

The war isn't anywhere near over.
The wounds have not completely healed quite yet.
Patience, everything will be well.

JJ Heller-- No Fight Left

Day 34. I'm Still Holding- I'm Barely Holding On To You.

Broken Lifehouse.

I have noticed I speak best through songs, and ficiton. Stories that aren't true, fake.

It's so much easier to take yourself out of a situation and cover it up with a story. With a world so much smaller and so much prettier than this one.

It's so much easier to forget and make it seem like nothing happened.

To change the sky from black, to sky blue.

To make the scars turn to butterflies.

To make the tears turn to snowflakes.

Life isn't that simple.

Life isn't butterflies, unicorns, and rainbows filled with sunshine.

Life is getting over it, by coming face to face with the things you dispise most.

Life is looking those things in the eye and saying I am not afraid anymore.

Life is looking through the pain and trying to find a silver lining.

Life is looking for a silver lining when there might not be one.

Life is healing.



Day 33. I Am Here. I See You...

His voice shined through the darkness.
Alittle glimpse of hope once more.

Darkness.
he blocked it once more.
No.
he hissed.
The hatred in his voice was tangible.
No. Do not do this now.
his eyes burned into my cheek.

My eyes closed tight.
It will pass. This will be over. Soon.
I think to the weeks ahead.
To the life ahead of me.

he laughs again.
You, girl, you have no clue.
his laugh was horrific.
As if it mocked my very existance.
his words wrapped tightly around my head.
Get those thoughts out of your head, girl.
The words squeezed tightly around my body.
Binding me.

Words binding me.
his words.
his doubtful, hate-filled words.
Leaving  invisible chains around my body.

I try to make him leave.
Hail Mary full of gr-
My mouth bound. Filled with words of doubt.

The hint of light returns for a second.
I am here Cherub. I see you.
He whispers in my ear. I wiggle in the invisible chains.
Wanting more than anything to break free and run to the light.

he grabs hold of me.
Sweety, stay.
his whisper is like venom in my ears.
his touch burns.
It makes me tense.

I keep that thought in my mind, as he holds me tight.
I keep my eyes closed remembering that shimmer of light.
I keep His words in my mind.
I am here, Cherub. I see you.

Josh Groban You are loved.

Godspeed <3

Day 32. There he Goes Again.

Courtyard Apocalypse- HP 7.2 Alexandre Desplat

There he goes again,
Working his "magic"
putting the cloak over my eyes once more.

When will this end.
Never.
he laughs.
Never.
It will always be an uphill climb until you give up what HE wants.
he screams.
I will ruin you.
he whispers, his voice filled with hatred.
Until you give up...
you will be hurting.
My ears ring.

he won't leave.
I've seen your weakness, girl.
he laughs.
It's too easy.
his smile is disgusting.
Give up. Girl, I will make sure your weakness is never revealed.
his smile stays.

he knows my answer.
his grotesque smile doesn't leave.
HE can't save you.
he screams.
I can give you anything.
Pleasure,
Love,
Money,
Your hearts desires are in the palm of my hand, not HIS.
he hisses.

his hand black as night, filled with what I want. My desires.

My shaking hands are stuck at my sides. I only see darkness ahead. I turn around, more darkness.
My eyes face upwards, night.
I will sit, waiting, as I fight these temptations.
Praising HIM. Because though he has all I desire, he doesn't have HIM.

Day 31. Somethings Gotta Change.

1. I have amazing friends. This can be totally cheesy, but it's entirely true. The people who I call friends are probably the coolest people in the world.

I needed to say that. Because you need to know you're amazing and totally awesome, and I am so thankful to have you in my life.

To the real point of this blog...

My Consecration is in 5 days... I am now changing is to was..

Let me explain,
I was in adoration tonight, I was invited by one of my friends. A simple text telling me Jesus is going to be there, therefore it is going to be amazing... Changed my night.

I got to adoration in a bit of a flustered mess. Mostly because my house has turned into mass chaos. But that is beside the point.
I have been at the realization that I am majorly behind on my readings and prayings of my consecration. So, tonight, I tried to catch up. Failing miserably of course.
I look up at the beautiful statue of the Blessed Virgin.
Then to the Monstrance.
I'm not ready.
Why am I doing this?
Why am I forcing this?
Why am I trying so hard to get this done...Like a homework assignment?
I started to cry.
I had made the decision to wait, because I am not fully here, spiritually that is.
I have been told to wait.
I love Mary and Jesus too much to force this.

Something has to change in me before I can do this for real.
Godspeed <3

Something's Gotta Change-- Josh Wilson

Day 30. More like Falling ln LOVE.

I know I've probably already had this title before, but it's so true. I can't help but thinking about my relationship with Christ to be anything other than falling in love.


I don't really know what to say other than that.

More Like Falling In Love -- Jason Gray


Godspeed<3

Day 29. Stuck in the middle with you

Have you ever had a moment where you felt caught in the middle?

The "Mediator" I have officially crowned myself with that name.

I always seem to be caught in the middle. Mostly because most of the time I just want peace.

But since this world is so terribly imperfect, there is no such thing as peace.

I just wish there was. I question this a lot. God why has the world become such a hateful place.

Why have people become so angry God?

Why did you have to make people like me? Who hate taking sides.. Who hate to see people so upset or distressed with what is going on that they need to make it  a war?! 

I can't help being Switzerland. I'd rather be Switzerland than America, thinking I've got it all while the whole world is laughing at me. I would hate to be any other country than Switzerland.

When I read this over... It reminded me of the scene in Mean Girls when Gretchen made her speech about how we should all just kill Caesar.

But back to the point...
I don't like being in the middle of a war. I don't like to take sides. I do like being Switzerland and not getting involved.

Godspeed <3

Mean Girls...

Day 28.2 What I Have to Say.

Last post I said I didn't really know what to say...

I have learned that I speak best through song.

Thank you Amanda for this song. Forever my theme song <3

Out of my hands -- Matthew West...

Godspeed <3

Day 28. I Don't Really Know What to Say...

I haven't really had much to say lately...

With the semester coming to a close in a month and the recent happenings of my life, I haven't really felt a need to say much. Mostly the minimum. Not because I'm upset, or because I'm down, I just don't know what I need to say.

Heres something, nope...

It makes me laugh how I can usually come up with a simple sentence about whatever is on my mind, but the past month or so its been another story. A story which the writer refuses to write...

It seems as though the camp fire has gotten awkwardly quiet. The fire is still going, and its quite hot, the people around it are just overly quiet.


Godspeed <3