Mind Leech

he invades every inch of my personal space.

he is emotionally and mentally abusive.

he wants me all to himself.

he wants every inch of me.

Covered in scars and mental bruises.

he wants me broken.

Unfix-able.

he wants me to think that to be unloved is the best way to live.

I cannot hurt anyone if I am unloved.

he is a mind leech.

Feeding on every word of hatred.

Every sad thought.

Every stupid mistake.

he will let those thoughts, mistakes, words marinate until he is ready to take them away with a swipe.

a scratch.

he hates when she is distracted by any thought that doesn't include him.

he hates that she has found someone who could save her.

he hates that someone. 


he will do anything in his power to bring all of the attention back to him.

he is a selfish being.

Covered in hatred and blame.

he will work through others to get into her brain.

he will latch on to even the smallest sad, angry, frustrated thought.

he will use his charm to tell her she is fine.

he will use his wit to distract her from happiness.

 he will do anything in his power to bring her back down to his level.

he will try to break her.

Until she has nothing left except him.

he fed

he shadowed in the background of the moving car helping escalate the anger and frustration in her.

Helping her make fists and strained words of vulgarity towards the other in the car.

he was a puppeteer, working them both to spit fire at each other with extreme amounts of hatred.

he was in his own sick little heaven.

There was so much hatred for him to feed on.

So much pint up aggression and sadness.

he was more than happy when his main victim sped away to the sounds of her counter part yelling not to pick her up.

She fumed. Speeding fast, her thoughts running wild through her mind.

Words of hatred, sadness, confusion.

he fed.

Kneading her thoughts into bigger words of hatred, bigger words of aggravation.

Her heart felt like it was going to explode. It had been too long since she's had a episode like this.

Unable to control it, unable to express emotions other than anger and distress.

She turned to her phone, hoping to reach her guardian.

he was so deep into her thoughts that she couldn't accept that she was not okay.

She couldn't accept that this wasn't normal. 

Her guardians words were so true, yet she was too far away to accept them.

The thoughts filled her head.

You're fine. 

This is normal.

Suck it up.

You're overreacting.

It was your fault.

he was having a feast, these thoughts and words of hatred were filling his need to hurt to damage.

he fed off of her self hatred.

filling himself abundantly...

Sia- Breathe Me

I Wonder...

I wonder if you would still want to be around me when I get into one of my cycles.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me when I yell.

When I scream with anger.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me when I am sad, crying, unable to stop.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me when I put on my facade.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you could read my thoughts.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw my past... all of it

I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how scary I thought everything was.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how anxious I got about time.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how anxious I got all the time.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how I really thought of myself.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you how my brain worked .

I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw me as I slept.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw me two months ago.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw my scars.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me if I told you the stories on how I got each one of them.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how socially awkward I am.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how not social I actually am.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew that making decisions gives me an immense amount of anxiety.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how much I am like my mother.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw how my father and I interacted.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me when you finally hear me swear with anger.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me when you finally hear me swear with sadness.

I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw me when I'm not around you.

Whole-Broken

You cannot fix those who don't want to be fixed.
You cannot change those who don't feel the need to changed.
You cannot talk to those who aren't willing to listen.
You cannot get rid of the toxic behaviors if those involved with the toxic behavior aren't willing to get rid of it also.

I hate to say it but my home is one that I  cannot change on my own.

I've been told I need to change myself too many times.
I am trying to change myself.
I've let go of my anger.
I react to the toxins in a calm manner.

Yet it is still deadly to live in my home.

Why?

Because those involved in the toxic behavior aren't willing to change/ get rid of it either.

Which sucks.

Now I know that I shouldn't be complaining because my house is not a broken home. I have a whole family- Mother, Father, Siblings, and a dog. I am so thankful that my home is whole.

But inside each person is a piece of brokenness. A little part of them that they cannot fix or do not want to fix. Leading my home to be broken in a sense.

Now, I am not writing this because I hate my family and I want to out them for being hateful and terrible people. I love my family and would do anything for them. I do know that I am not alone in the sense that I have a whole-broken home.

Each family probably has their own toxic behaviors. 

And I also know that there are a lot of whole-broken homes like mine that act like there is absolutely nothing wrong with them. That they are that happy-go-lucky family that everyone loves to be around. Yet when you are alone with just your family, it is hell on earth.

Let me repeat, I love my family. I love each and every one of them to bits and pieces. I would do anything for them if they asked.

My family has a lot we need to work on. We are no where near clean from this toxic atmosphere.

If your family is like mine, you are not alone. I know how tough it can be.


Godspeed <3

Not Alone - Linkin Park

Blessed With the Path I've Been Given

It seems so strange the path I've been chosen to take. Just to think that about year ago I was accepting a dream "job". Gosh, it's just crazy to think that this will be the first time in... eight years that I won't be making the trek to Reedsburg, Wisconsin to see the wonders of a summer camp that built me into the person I am today.

It's absolutely crazy how God's plan works. There have been many an obstacle I needed to conquer to bring me to the point in my life I am at today. To think that I have been so incredibly blessed by those obstacles and by the amazing times I've had this past year.

Let me just say this past year has been quite different. I started off the year in a dark place. A very dark place.  Then got the biggest opportunity in a long time; spent three months in paradise- which wasn't entirely paradise, but a great big life lesson, filled with a billion and one moments where I am in absolute paradise.

Soon after I came home from "paradise" I spent a semester without clue on what I was doing. I had next to nothing to go after. No goals. No reason to do anything. I was at again another low point. I knew it. My family knew it. If you read my writing you probably knew it too...

I am not proud of those times in my life. I don't enjoy feeling so low. When I feel that low, a silly little facade comes out. Let me explain, I have a reputation of being the happy-go-lucky, optimistic, yada yada yada. Of course I enjoy being optimistic, because makes others happy and feel loved.

Even though I enjoy making people happy and feel like they're loved, the facade was something I don't like. Why? The facade is not- I repeat NOT- me. I do not enjoy the mask. I do not enjoy not dealing with my other emotions. I do not enjoy having people think it's weird that I get sad. It makes me laugh when people think it's weird when I have "stuff".

What I'm trying to say is that, if I was still on my path to working at my "paradise dream job". I would still have to keep up this silly little facade. I would still probably be stuck in my little rut. Which wouldn't be very fun.

Though I am not going back to the place I called home for so long. I know I'm where I am right now for a reason. This path I've been lead to has been so great. At this very moment I feel incredibly blessed. I have not felt so blessed in such a long time. Right now, I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be, with the people I am supposed to be sharing my experiences with. And I will continue to be thankful for all I have and who I am with.

Thank you for reading.

Godspeed <3

I Want Crazy.

I want feathers everywhere.
I want dreams.
I want hope.
I want light.
I want talking all day.
I want thinking of only you.
I want adventure.
I want not normal.
I want insanity.
I want slow.
I want fast.
I want late night dinners of fish sticks and mac and cheese.
I want looking at kittens.
I want holding hands while driving.
I want stop light kisses.
I want understanding.
I want love.
I want hazel blue eyes.
I want sleepy afternoons.
I want trust.
I want doing dishes together.
I want long walks on the beach.
I want silly museum trips.
I want bowling.
I want competitive ski ball.
I want watching those arrows on the DDR screen in amazement.
I want too long goodbyes.
I want texts about your life.
I want Skype calls.
I want hugs from behind.
I want awkward car hugs.
I want you.
I want crazy.

I Want Crazy-Hunter Hayes (Covered by Julia Sheer)

Together.

"Cherub, he is here for a reason. I gave him to you because I know you both can grow, heal." His words filled my wondering mind.

"You can see him working, healing you, saving. He is so much more for you. I made him for you. You can heal together."

I couldn't speak. tongue-tied by the love of my Creator. He could see my dazed look.

"Cherub, My child, I love you. I made you to do marvelous deeds. To help my children, to save lives. You cannot do that when you are broken. Let me fix you. Let my love flow through you to help him."

My words were stuttered. "But w-what about the..." I couldn't seem to bring myself to say what he was.

"he will be around, but together you are strong. He cannot hurt you when you are together. Pray to me, love whole-heartedly. Don't show him the attention he wants. Love what I've given."

His words stuck in my mind as he shifted invisible.

Love whole-heartedly, love what I've given to you....

 

Saved.

he lurked in the shadows.

Waiting for the perfect moment.

The moment when I was at my weakest.

My worst. Most vulnerable.

he was a patient being.

he knew that it wouldn't be too long before I was left alone again.

Stuck only with my thoughts and regrets.

The shadows inched closer and closer towards me.

he moved slowly moving the shadows to surround me.

Engulf me.

It was as though I was stuck in a whirlwind of blackness.

It was cold.

The frozen air cut through me leaving scrapes and scratches.

My mind became ice.

Frozen, thinking only of my wrongs.

My fears. 

My regrets.

They flowed over me like a tidal wave.

Tidal waves of anguish passed over me one after another.

I felt as though I was drowning as I began to sink to the floor.

The shadow man moved closer.

 I knew his touch.

Frost bitten and painful.

he drew closer whispering words of hatred through my ears.

I wanted peace. I wanted release from this agony.


The shadows quickly scattered to the corners of the room hiding themselves from something.

I couldn't see. The world had changed from darkness to intense amounts of light.

It hit every corner of the room leaving the shadows with no where to hide.

he wasn't happy with the illumination.

he hissed and screamed infuriated with this brilliant light.

The light wrapped itself around me.

Healing the scratches, making them disappear.

The light became solid, forming arms wrapping around me.

A strong body, protecting me from the shadow man.

A face. A familiar face.

Hazel blue eyes, shining through the light.

Staring into mine.

The shadow man began to dissolve from the amount of light burning into him.

With a final scream he was gone.

Leaving me alone with the illuminated guardian.

No words were exchanged between me and my guardian. 

We lingered in the light.

Three Simple Words

I like you.

You are cute.

Let's go out.

I am happy.

I am too.

I love you.

I love you. 

Be with me.

Don't leave me.

Stay with me.

I want you.

I hate you.

I need you.

Leave me alone.

I need you.

Wait come back.

Where are you?

What happens now?

What do I...

How do I...

I love you.

I love you...

Love you too.

Love me forever.

Marry me please.

Yes I do.

I do too. 

I hate you.

Kiss me now.

Hold me tight.

Take my hand.

Love me forever.

We are pregnant.

It's a girl.

It's a boy.

It is twins.

But the money.

He got deployed.

I am sick.

I've grown tired.

I love you.

Be strong please.

Lay with me.

I'll keep praying.

I love you.

Keep me safe.

Love you, Mom.

Love you, Dad.

You are mine.

I love you.

I love you...

I love you... 

I Just Want Peace in my Home.

"I think it's time for you to go back on the medication..." Her tone was artificial. Her words seemed to be ones not said out of fear, but out of forged feeling.

"Mother, the medication won't help with sleep. The medication will stop me from feeling sadness. I know that doesn't sound terrible, Mom-"

"I just want peace in my home." she interfered walking away.

The medication will not stop me from feeling angry because of the numbness of not  feeling sad, Mother. I thought to myself.

The medication cannot help me in school, Mother. 

The medication cannot help me be motivated, Mother. 

The medication cannot help me be happy; it can only block sadness, Mother...

Her words marinated in my mind for the continuation of the night.

I just want peace in my home, I just want peace in my home. I just want peace in my home. 

I fell asleep hearing her words. Nightmares crowded my mind.

An anarchy, chaos, confusion.

It was loud.

Riots, papers flying, devastation.

Though it wasn't a city or a world filled with lawlessness.

It was a mind.

Neurons tangled around each other pumping different chemicals and thoughts.

Causing an emotional upset.

Pandemonium.

By the end of this delusion the neurons became a discombobulation of dead cells.

I woke in a cold sweat.


I just want peace in my home.

A lot.

We walked along the beach, my feet lightly skimming the tide with each step I took.

Feathers. I thought. Feathers everywhere. 

I remembered the old Native American folk tale saying that feathers meant you were on the right path.

With this man? I'm on the right path? My mind was starting to twist in knots. These stinking feathers are everywhere. 

He wasn't far from me as I was overcome with thought.

"You okay?" he said grabbing hold of my hand, gently pulling me from the shallow water beneath my feet. "You seem a little distracted."

I looked at him, the sunlight hitting my eyes just right. Making me pull a face that made him smile and pull me close in his embrace.
"Tell me what is on your mind." he whispered pressing me closer to him gently.

He made my mind go blank when he spoke. He made me feel safe. At home. Yet I was still terrified that this was all a trick.

He pulled me away from himself slightly, looking intensely at me, "Michelle, what's on your mind?"

I looked away quickly, not wanting him to see my thoughts shine through my eyes.

I quickly pulled myself into him and whispered, "A lot."

Looking at you

He never said what his name was.

I couldn't take a simple moment just to look him over.

His blue hazel eyes were always on me.

Not in a bad, menacing way; he had more of a protective look, loving and watchful.

After our first handshake his touch was never too far away.

His touch wasn't suffocating, it was affectionate, guardian like.

Is this what my Savior wanted for me? A guardian? my mind raced as we walked. Not that I mind him here....

My thought's came to a sudden halt, just as we did. His gaze took me out of my thoughts and back to reality.

"Why do you look at me like that?" I asked.

His face contorted slightly as he thought, "It just feels right, ya know?

Simple Hello

He reaches into His pocket.

My Child, this is for you. 
Let him guide you to love. 

He was tall. His features were ones I couldn't forget. His eyes were filled with gentle love.

"But how do I know this will be good? You've seen what has happened before. How do you know he will be the one to guide me to love?" I look past the being in front of me, into my saviors eyes.

My darling Child, trust in Me. In My want for you. In My ability to give love freely without hate. My child, I want the best for you. I want My love to shine through you. 

It took a second for His words to sink in to my soul. My eyes were stuck searching this new beings eyes for anything... ulterior motives, revenge, hatred of any sort.
I saw nothing, but gentle love.

I took one last glance at The Creator, as He shifted invisible.

Our eyes met again, his a hazel blue shade with a slight illumination to them.

I stretched my hand out taking a slight step forward. Hoping to make some sort of peace offering with our fingers.

"Hi." I breathed. "I'm Michelle."

His hand reached mine, filling me with electricity.

"Hello." He said with a simple smile.

Life is good

Let me just say the past day and a half I've been in a really great mood. Life is going okay. I just don't really know what to say quite yet. Life is good.

Here is a little tune I've been listening to all day.

Godspeed <3

Caitlin Bell singing Taylor Swift's - Begin Again