Where to start...

My mind is a jumble of chaos.

I don't really know how to even say words right now.

It's a glorious feeling.

The sarcasm should be spewing out as you read that last line.

Okay.... Where to start...

Where to start... Where to start.

Let's start with me unable to have a safe place to speak about my crap. Whatever is on my mind.

I haven't been able to schedule a time to do that. To just speak.

Let my mouth do that word vomit thing.

Whenever I do get the time set something gets in the way.

I know doing the whole word vomit thing is a need for someone like me.

But life is putting other priorities in my way.

Priorities that will help me, I know.

But, still....

Okay, next topic.

Forgiveness. That stuff is hard. Forgiveness. To forgive takes a lot of strength. A lot of will. Forgiveness is something that I have trouble with . I think the hardest thing in life is to forgive. Because you can't just forget. This isn't like "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind"... It takes a lot of will power to forget something you've forgiven. Maybe that means you haven't fully forgiven. I'm working on it. This whole forgive and forget thing....

Okay...

That cleared out a little bit of my chaos jumbled mess of a mind.

I might write later.

Maybe next time it will be more my style and not me rambling.

Thank you for reading.

Godspeed <3

Paradise Fears- Battle Scars

This feeling again.

I can feel my walls going up again.

That constant fear that I will be left alone again.


Feeling alone again.

Distant from everything I know.

Now that I have something worth losing this is becoming a terrifying experience.

The fear of losing something you hold near and dear to you.

Excuse me while I go calm down.

Losing Faith

I sometimes have these moments when I lose faith in myself.

Where I feel like I'm going to lose everything close to me.

It's absolutely terrifying.

I can feel my heart beat faster when I start to get this way.

My face turns to near stone- expressionless.

My hands get all jumpy like I've had too much coffee or something...

This feeling usually happens when I am stuck in my mind.

When I am frustrated.

When I can't seem to control anything going on in my life.

It seems to be happening more and more lately.

But I'm the type of person who won't show it.

Which sucks more, because it makes me isolated.

I know, I do this to myself.

I make myself this way and it sucks.

A lot.

It's something that I'm working on.

Something that I know I want to fix.

It's just always easier said than done.

I am hoping I can fix it.

This part of myself.

Become more confident in myself.

Tell myself that I will not lose everything.

And even though I think it's silly and stupid, it's not.

It's just something I need to overcome.

If you ever have moments like this know this,

You are not alone.

I am here with you. 

Beauty from Pain-Superchick

LIVING

Alive.
We are Alive.
We seem to take this sentence for granted.
I take this sentence for granted.


I think there is a difference from being alive and living.


ALIVE adj: To have life; living; existing; not dead or lifeless.

LIVING adj: in actual existence or use; active or thriving; vigorous.

 

burning or glowing, as a coal.

flowing freely, as water.

A giant difference.
I have had many a thought about those two words.
Alive and Living. 

For the longest time and still today, when I know that I am finally living and not just existing I would like  to get a tattoo that says LIVING.

Like I said, I have taken the word Alive for granted. I don't just want to be existing. I don't want to be something that is not lifeless. I am growing to understand that more and more. Through my anxieties and fears about life I have been afraid to go out and LIVE. I have been afraid to step out of my comfort zone and do something crazy and different. Or just something I wouldn't normally do.

It's funny because I can feel my soul wanting nothing to break free from my anxieties and my comfort zone. I am learning that I need to set my soul free. I need to do things, I need to be social. I need to jump out of that comfort zone with force and LIVE.

I need to learn to sing louder.
I need to learn to dance like... like I don't care what others think.
I need to learn that I will be wrong and that is something I shouldn't be afraid of.
I need to learn that where I am now is NOT where I will be forever. That I will be able to break free and be with those that I love and that love me without question or resistance from others.
I need to learn that it's more than okay to be crazy and different. It will never be a bad thing to be different.
I need to learn that LIVING is not just something that you do everyday. It is not breathing. It is not waking up in the morning and going with the flow of life.
LIVING is waking up with a purpose.
LIVING is going through every day like it is your last.
LIVING is doing something new everyday.


I want to not just be alive but be LIVING.


Godspeed <3

What Are You Waiting For- Paradise Fears.

My Father.

I want you to think about the movies you've seen in your life time.
In most movies people see there is always a spot in said movie that extracts an emotion from you. Something that hits you dead in the chest, makes your mouth fly open, gets you teary eyed, gets you bawling, etc. There is always a moment like that in movies- good movies anyways.

It has been a while since I had a moment like that when watching a movie. Where I got hit dead in the chest by the actors emotion, or a line, or a certain scene; it will make me remember that specific moment for days.

I've found that most of the scenes that do this to me are scenes with a father figure or losing someone very important to the main characters life.

No, I don't have Daddy issues. No, I personally have never lost someone incredibly important to me by death. However each time scenes with someone dying, especially a father figure, I'm gone. The movie will officially bring me to tears and I will be lost in its emotions.

I recently saw a movie where a father figure dies and it has gotten me thinking about my own relationship with my father and how I would feel if my father was taken away from my life instantaneously.

I have to say, like most it would be incredibly hard to deal with. My father, though he doesn't think so, is a major influence on my life. His approval and love is something I will constantly strive for. My father is someone whose opinion matters to me more than anything in the world.

The sky could be falling, the world could be ending, the zombie apocalypse could be in full swing and the person I would look to would be my father.

I get a new dress for a dance or a fancy occasion, the first person I ask to see if I look okay is my father.

The moment I cannot wait for beyond any other is the day I get married; not because of the fact that I will be getting married, but because it will be the day my father will be walking me down the isle in a dress he approves of. The day I will be having my awaited Father/Daughter dance at the reception of my wedding. I look forward to those moments more than any other moments in my life.


Without my father, I would not be the person I am today. He has helped form me into the strong adult woman I am. He has helped me realize how strong I really am. How smart I really am. How incredibly loved I really am.

Though there are moments where my dad and I don't see eye to eye, I will never, NEVER in a million, billion, infinity years hate him. I could never hate the man who made me raise my standards for all other men. I could never hate the man who showed me what it was like to be strong and courageous. I could never hate the man who showed me what it was like to be Catholic.

Though he doesn't believe it, I could never hate my dad.

I love you Dad.


Thanks for reading.

Godspeed <3

Cinderella- Steven Curtis Chapman

Hello friend,

I feel like I haven't talked to you in longer than forever. Because that's totally a thing.... But really it's been a long time. 

I have come to the conclusion that I need you more than you need me. It's obvious now, actually. You, my dear, are probably changing lives right before your eyes. I know for sure your changing mine. Even if we haven't spoken in what feels like months. 

There is a lot that has changed about me since we've last talked. No, I haven't moved out. No, I didn't break up with my boyfriend. No, I didn't get admitted to the hospital. None of that. 

I wish that I could tell you. Because, ya know... I need you. I need your wit, your giggles, your "I'm still alive" speeches. I need your "Michelle take a chill pill" talks. I need your giggles. Your smiles. I needed your words even if they are 300 miles away. 

I know that you probably won't read this. And if you do... Hi... How are you? 

How are you and your man? 

How is camp? 

How was your ride to camp? 

Please tell me all about your life. I want to know how you're doing and feeling. 

You know, you still inspire me everyday. You still are a motivator for me not to go back into my slumps and hide forever. Your story/journey has impacted my life. More than you know. 

I hope we can talk soon. 

With love, 

Me 

The Abuser

Her words,
Like grenades,
Flaming arrows,
Daggers...
Hitting you one by one.

Her voice,
Boisterous,
Loud,
Intrusive,
Something impossible to ignore.

Her hands,
Claws,
Ready to cut deep into your skin.
Leaving scars,
Reminding you that she is still here,
Mighty and powerful.

Her arm,
Swinging faster than a baseball player who is about to hit a grand slam.

Her eyes,
Filled with fire,
With the will to make you burst into flame without warning.

She can do no good with her hands...
Her abuse reigns farther than any good she could ever do...
Her manipulations can seize a crowd.
She will feed on your pain...
She will feed on your sadness...
She will be finished when you feel as small as she is...

Spiritual Warfare

Let me just say something. There is this thing called spiritual warfare. For some it happens in their sleep. Some don't even know it's happening.

Let me explain what spiritual warfare is...
From Relevant Magazine it says that spiritual warfare:

Ephesians 6:12, Paul writes: “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

The bad news is that if you are a follower of God, you have an enemy who is invisible.

Not only is this enemy invisible, this enemy is evil. If you have an enemy who is not only invisible but evil, you are not going to be able to placate this enemy. You can't make concessions to this enemy, you can't negotiate, you cannot bargain, you cannot argue this enemy with logic. He's irretrievably and irrevocably evil. He's invisible, he's evil and he's on the attack.

 (If you'd like to read more please visit Relevant Magazine)

I have dealt with spiritual warfare in the past, read back on previous blog posts, it's written everywhere. 

I was recently talking to someone about my situation and she became very serious and just said it.

"You know this is an attack, right?"

I did... I had been thinking about it for a few days. I didn't want to admit it, that I was being attacked.

When I say attacked, I don't mean guns, grenades, knives, or any sort of physical weaponry. It is all emotional, spiritual. The weapons are words and misfortunes. Disappointing looks, and discouraging sighs.

The weapons are three AM and I am still not asleep thinking about everything wrong. The weapons are  tempters. Things from the past, sharp, straight to the point.

They pack a punch, these weapons. More than any gun, sword, or bomb could. They hit you exactly where it hurts. Never missing their mark. Ever.

Now my spiritual warfare may make me sound like a complete nut case. I've written about this enemy many times. he is venom in my mouth, in my soul. he is near to the epitome of evil. he's been around for years and years. Because he knows I am meant to do marvelous, magnificent things. Things that will change the world. Things that will impact many.

This being knows I know that it exists... it knows that I know how it works.

he won't get far in his diabolical plan to destroy.



Thanks for reading.

Rewind

I wish there was a rewind button in life. Sort of like the movie Click, with Adam Sandler.

I would only use it once.

Just to relieve some stress.

Just to fix somethings that are now unfixable.

Just to take the edge off.

I feel as though most people want the rewind button at some point in their lives.

It's just a part of life,

We all make silly, stupid, hurtful, tragic, terrifying, scary, bad, terrible, irreversible mistakes.

 Most mistakes turn out to be life lessons.

Even if they the lessons are as simple as, "I will never do that again."

I am hoping to find some sort of life lesson from my mistake.

So far, I've got nothing. But I will hopefully find one.

Pray for me.

Thanks.

Godspeed <3

To my Guardian,

It seems so crazy that our story only started a month ago. I cannot believe how absolutely crazy we are.... WE ARE CRAZY. I don't think we can tell each other that enough. I think our craziness brings smiles to peoples faces. I also think it causes others to want to throw up.... but I digress.

You tell me often how happy you are that we met. I usually say me too. However you, you are incredibly special. Words cannot explain how happy, how blessed I am to have gotten to know the wonderful man that you are.

When I gave you my phone number, and the next day we started talking; never in a million years did I think it would lead to us talking everyday, Skyping, and seeing each other as much as possible. Never in a millions years would I think that I would want to be near to someone so much. Never in a million years would I think that I would be having conversations like ours, at least not for years.

You are so much more than a man that I like to be around. You are so much more than a man whom I enjoy having conversations with. You are so much more than a man whom I love.

Words cannot describe how much you mean to me. How much your support, your love, your ability to put a smile on my face means to me.

I wish I could give you the world for everything you've done for me.

From cooking meals, to grocery shopping, to window shopping through the mall, to watching Monty Python with you. From laughing with you, falling asleep next to you, sneaking kisses at the stop lights. You have made me one of the happiest women alive.

I hope that I can make you as happy as you make me...

Thank you for being mine. I will always be yours.


With love,
Your Angel. 

Wait for You- Atreyu

Your Guardian Angel- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I Want Crazy- Hunter Hayes Covered by Julia Sheer

I Won't Give Up- Jason Mraz

you,

I have told you I hate you. Many times actually. I've probably told you that I wish you would just leave me alone. To get out of my life forever. That I can't stand you. That I wish you didn't exist. That I wish you were gone.

We both know that those sayings aren't the case though...

I do know that you've been a constant in my life for a long time. I know that you'd do anything to make me think of you and only you. I know that you'd make me forget the real world and help me zone into yours; where everything was okay for a little while. But we both knew reality would catch up with me.

I remember all of your words like they were written on paper. Every lie you ever told me. Every false promise of a hopeful tomorrow. Every fake taste of happiness and love.

It makes me laugh how much I thought I needed you. That maybe something might change with you. That you will turn into something good. I am laughing now.

I know you know what you are. And for once I finally know what you are.

I know that you are death. I know that you are evil. I know that you are a sad excuse for a being. I know you are selfish. I know that you are lies. I know that you are hatred. I know that you are a deep dark pit of despair. I know that you are empty.

It makes me feel bad how empty you are. I feel incredibly sad for you. Because you will never know love. Because you will never know what it feels like to be happy without selfish reason.  I feel bad for you because you will never have anyone who loves you or will share love with you. I am sorry for you.

I do want you to know that I forgive you for all the trouble you have caused. I will never forget what you did to me and those around me.

I hope that one day you will be free from your hole of sadness.

Please leave now.


~Me.