Confessions of an Insomniac

9:30 pm. Exhausted.

Sleep has been very rare.

I was determined to sleep soundly...


5:42 am.

Not exhausted.

Got about two hours of rest.

Woke around midnight.

Haven't gotten shut eye since.


---

I wonder if it's like this with all insomniacs

Staring at the ceiling,

The window,

The closest,

The bookshelf,


Letting the mind just think...

Running through different "what if" situations,

Getting a song stuck deep in the crevices of the brain.

Making mental notes to text, Facebook, or call certain people.


Praying.


This is what I do for 5 hours...
And now since all else has failed, I've resorted to writing.

I've contemplated grabbing a book from the bookshelf I've stared at for hours.

Then quickly moved away from that, knowing I would get lost whatever book I choose....

Instead of being lost in dream land.


I wonder how other Insomniacs recover from a night of no sleep...

I rely of coffee and immense amounts of caffeine.

Needless to say,

I need to fix this fast.


Being an insomniac has taken a toll.

Dark Circles under the eye that make up cannot hide-- sorry girl moment.

The weighted down grogginess... Yeah, that's the worst...



I hope whoever is reading this sleeps/slept well....

Godspeed <3

Day 26. Feeling Feelings

Bulletproof- Jacob Fannin

(Available on iTunes now!)

 

 

 

 

Let's all just take a second to admire this.

 

Admire the feeling put into it.

 

The brillance.

 

The ablility to make you feel,

Real,

Raw,

 

Feelings.

 

 

BRILLIANT.

 

 

I really don't have anything else to say... haha I just love sharing music I enjoy with y'all. I mean. I am feeling so many feelings because of this song, I just can't put it into words... I guess....

 

 

 

Well,

 

Godspeed <3 ?



Day 25. Holding On To Your Love.

.I haven't done this in a while. But Matt Maher, a christian artist. A pretty baller one at that... I just need to do a lyric blog today.

 

 

Letting Go-- Matt Maher

 

I stand in awe of You
And everything You've done for me
You speak Your words into my life
And where You are is where I wanna be
I stand before You, Lord
Humbled by the love You give away
A widow's mite, my will and pride
It's all I have to offer anyway

I'm holding onto Your love
I'm letting go of myself
I'll say so long to everything else
I stand in awe of You
And everything You've done for me
You speak Your words into my life
And where You are is where I wanna be
I stand before You, Lord
Humbled by the love You give away
A widow's mite, my will and pride
It's all I have to offer anyway

I'm holding onto Your love
I'm letting go of myself
I'm holding onto Your love
I'm letting go of myself
I'll say so long to everything else
I just wanna be in Your arms
I just wanna be in Your armsMoving ever closer to Your heart
To Your heart
I just wanna be in Your arms
I just wanna be in Your armsMoving ever closer to Your heart
To Your heart
I just wanna be in Your arms
I just wanna be in Your arms
Moving ever closer to Your heart
To Your heart

 

 

 

Music hits me harder than any Bible passage, any speech,  ny quote.

God speaks through music, I sing back.

My prayer is through the music and the emotion of the song.

 

 So much emotion in this song.

 

So much emotion I feel.

 

So much I want to just give to Him.

That's it...



Godspeed <3

Day 24. I HAVE NO IDEA

So today I was asked by my mother why I declined from what was agonizing me yesterday...


I first said the usual teenage rebellion thing- Because you didn't want me to do it, mother.

I the rebuttaled that with- Because God didn't want me to.-- Then quickly changed that to-- It wasnt in God's plan for me.

Mother took a few seconds then questioned- SO, Michelle, what does God have in store for you...????


To which I almost exploded.

I have said this before and I say it again.


I HAVE NO IDEA! I HAVE NO STINKING IDEA WHAT GOD WANTS ME TO DO.


And I don't quite know if He wants me to know.

He probably wants me to Trust. (of course) And Pray...(OF COURSE)


but what God has in store for my future. I have no stinkin' clue.


Seriously. I want to do so much.  I also want to do what God wants.


Because I know I will be happiest when I'm doing what God wants.


All I know that whatever I will be doing will be helping others. It will be a selfless job. That is what I pray.



Godspeed <3

Hold Us Together- - Matt Maher

Day 23. Trust

When nothing else seems to work look towards God and ask- What's next? What do you have in store for me? Because I have no clue.

I've said I have trust issues with God and with people, yeah...

When life takes a giant crap on your plans, it seems like you have no other choice than to trust the only one that knows what is going to happen.

He knows that I was going to apply to this awesome mission thing for a semester. Get accepted. Then hear the trip has been canceled. Sure, I get a choice to go on any other mission, that's great-- And way, WAY out of my comfort zone.


So I ask God this.

What do you have in store? Whatever it is, let it be. Lead me. Guide me. I am Yours.


I cannot change what You want for me. So guide me, light my path. Direct me to Your will.

I love You, Lord.


I trust in You.





Godspeed <3

Day 22. The Perfect Song

It's not always the way the lyrics flow that make a song beautiful.

It's also the way that the music works to knit the puzzle of magic together,

To make the perfect song.


Get the perfect lyrics to match the puzzle peices of the musical notes.

Poof, you have a perfect song.

Perfect music, that will make all around the world stop and listen.




I want to do that-- make perfect music...

I want to make people feel feelings.

I've said this a lot in my lifetime. I want to be able to make an impact.

I want to be able to change someones mindset by the way my lifestory has been written.

I want to motivate people.


Yeah. I've been motivated by people... I've been changed by so many people.

I want to be able to do that for people too....


Hopefully I can do that one day with the help of God and support from the people around me.



Godspeed <3

Day 21.. Trust in Him..

I've been told I have trust issues.

I've told myself I have trust issues.


I've been told I have a metophorical wall surrounding me.

I've told myself I have a metophorical wall surrounding me.


I've been told I don't let people in because of these issues.

Yes, I know that.


I was told I don't let God in because of those issues...

I've been lying to myself in that aspect.



I didn't want to believe the only thing, person, being I have turn to for so long... I had been also shutting out...

Does that make sense... bare with me, for a sec.


God, the being I have for so long called the only thing that didn't leave--- the only thing I could trust....

And I have trust issues with Him...? This could be.

This probably is.


Do I want there to be?

Gosh, no. Like I said in an earlier post, I want to grow in a deeper better relationship with God. I want to be a better person in faith, a better catholic.


How do I start this


Bringing down those dang metophorical walls I've had up for so long. getting over those trust issues.

Will this take time?

Of course.

Will I get side tracked?

Probably... I'm not one to stay on task....

I do want to fix my relationship with the one I love.

With the one that loves me.




I sound like a goon..

But I love God. I want to trust in Him completely....


That's it...

Day 20. Here's To You.

This peice of writing is purely fiction.

 

 

Here’s to you:

And your manipulative thoughts

Here’s to your words:

Willing to break every thread of dignity

Here’s to your actions:

Your knack of deceiving me, making me love what isn’t real…

 

 

But most of all here’s  to me

Here’s to coming to the realization it was all fake.

Here’s to forgiving you over and over and over again.

Here’s to wishing I could be more perfect for you.

Here’s to loving you when you didn’t love me.

Here’s to me giving up.

Here’s to me moving out

Here’s to me finding a new place.

Here’s to me finding a new job.

Here’s to me deleting you from all of my social Medias.

Here’s to me getting a restraining order.

Here’s to me getting asked out on a date after 4 years.

Here’s to me really laughing again.

Here’s to me smiling.

Here’s to me talking to my parents again.

Here’s to me feeling worth something again.

Here’s to gaining dignity.

Here’s to being loved without being asked.

Here’s to not worrying.

Here’s to me not buying concealer.

Here’s to me getting better.

Here’s to me healing, from every single wound you inflicted,

Inside and out.

Here’s to me loving myself.

Here’s to me being happy.

Here’s to me being free.

Day 19. Bad Church Music...

I want to direct everyones veiw to the Madison Cathoic Herald
http://www.madisoncatholicherald.org/guestcolumn/3548-2012-10-18-fassino.html


This article if you are to lazy to click and read, talks about the music of the Catholic Church. It starts by talking about an article that Sister Roccasalvo talks about how the music in the Catholic Church needs to change slightly.

It says that this article should not be stated as an attack on the Catholic Church and it's new secular music. The article says that people are offended because "they think that music that makes them feel good is proper for mass."

The writer continues to say that he wants to hit his head on his desk multiple times because of this quote. I agree.

There are two great points:

1) Active participation at the Mass has nothing to do with singing at every possible moment, carrying dishes and banners around the sanctuary, or orchestrating giant liturgical puppet shows. I would direct anyone who doubts this to actually read the documents of Vatican II, and also to note the effect that this mentality has had on the Church over the past 50 years.

(2) The value of proper liturgical music has nothing to do with how you personally feel about it, or what your personal opinions are about music. Just think about what would happen if the only criteria for proper liturgical music were that it peripherally mentions God and/or that it makes you feel fuzzy inside — why, we might start singing songs by John Denver or Elvis or Simon and Garfunkel or the Beatles! What a crazy, screwed-up world that would be, huh?

~Nico Fassino - Guest Column:Why I Hate Bad Church Music.




Seriously, If you didn't read the article go back up to the top, click the link, and read it. It is worth it.




I wish SO BADLY that I could show this to my parish at home.

The music they play at my church is stuff that you could hear on the christian radio station in your local town.

There is an enormous amount of drum, guitar, and there is sometimes a cowbell or tambourine.

It is starting to make me sick... My focus, and I wouldn't doubt others in the congregations focus is not focused on the altar and the mass, instead it's focused on the preformance the rock band is doing.

Don't get me wrong. It is quite beautiful and I can tell that these talent people have put in a lot of time. At the same time, I don't think that Mass is the time to put on a show. I wouldn't mind a little praise and worship after mass is over, or even a day specifically for Praise and Worship during the week. That would be fantastic.

I pray for some guidance. I pray that there will be a revelation for change. I pray for those that aren't informed.

Godspeed <3

Day 18. Tenth Avenue North Changed My life

I've decided though I want more than anything to go to a Tenth Avenue North concert I can't, because I would be a blubbering mess.

Just listening to Live versions of TAN (Tenth Avenue North) songs I am tearing up...

If I went I would have to not wear make up-- that wouldn't be pretty...

But let's be serious for a second.

Tenth Avenue North has seriously changed my life..

A lot of people can say that, I know for sure I am not the only one. I just want to give my gratitude to this amazing group of people.

The first song I had heard by this group was By Your Side.

Brilliant. BRILLIANT song.

It is the first time I heard God.

It is the first time I really felt His love for me.

"Because I, I LOVE YOU, I want YOU to know.... That I, I LOVE YOU, I'll NEVER LET YOU GO."
The words I will never forget. The words that made me tear up when I had heard them for the first time. No one in my entire life had ever said that phrase to me. " I will NEVER let you go."

I then heard more songs from their albums, Hold My Heart, Times, Strong Enough To Save, Love Is Here....

All of these songs hit my heart, my soul like a ton of bricks, filling me with Gods love and compassion, for ME. Little old me.  The insanity in that all I could do was accept the love and learn how to love back.

Tenth Avenue North made God's love a little more tangible. The unconditional love we can't even begin to fathom became more real to me.

Then I hear You Are More. Hitting me like a lightning bolt.

It's like God is saying "HEY! HEY! LOOK OVER HERE! LISTEN!! I LOVE YOU! NO MATTER WHAT!"


How can a group that makes music, make lyrics so real? How is that even possible?

God is working so hard in this group. He is doing something incredible.

Mike Donehey, the lead singer of the group, is an AH-MAZING speaker.

He does little devotionals on TAN's youtube page.

The way he talks, I feel as though he can relate to seriously anyone.
My mom even. Which is really hard to do.

But this man can speak, giving amazing analogies about the scripture and God.

One of Mike's recent analogies is about God not being an elephant.

We all know elephants have the ability to never forget- He goes to talk about how God has forgiveness and then it's like whatever we did never even happened. All of this said in about 3 minutes.

That's how long most of his videos are. 3-5 minutes of just awesomeness. If he just spoke about God and did some sort of lecture,  then put it on iTunes that would be amazing, and I would probably buy it.


Tenth Avenue North's newest album The Struggle had just recently come out a few months ago...


Again, they did an amazing job giving God a voice teens will listen to. Giving each song the ability to relate to people. Amazing...


I cannot thank Tenth Avenue North enough for what they are doing. I cannot thank God enough for giving them the ability to do what they do best.

Continue on gentlemen. The whole world needs to hear Gods love through your music.


Godspeed <3

Mike Donehey (TAN)- Losing Video "God is Not an Elephant"

 

 

 From their new Album The Struggle

Tenth Avenue North- Strangers Here

Day 17. Surround yourself.

Surround yourself with pretty things.

Flowers,

Butterflies,

Sunshine....


Forget about all the things in the back of your mind.

That constant urge to do something you know you'll regret.


Surround yourself with happy thoughts.

Green grass,

Horses,

Sunsets,

Summer days,


Don't think about the past,

The one that still haunts you to this very day.


Surround yourself with happy sounds,

Guitars strumming,

Pianos playing,

Birds singing,

The wind in the trees,


Don't listen to the sounds you remember,

The voices in your head.


Surround yourself with hope,

God,

The choice to live another day,

The sunbeams coming free from the clouds.


Don't  listen to the devil and his creul words of hate,

Telling you to give up and go away.


Surround yourself with happy, hopeful, beautiful things.
And learn to live another day.

Day 16. He Just Gets It.

There are some people who just get it... this writing thing.

I wish I could say I am one of them.

I pray that someday I will be one of them. Who knows maybe this is my practice.

I did get to meet, partially get to know, someone who just gets it.

He has this writing thing in wraps.

Brilliant, amazing, witty peices of work.

If only he had the courage, guts, to put his stuff out there.

I didn't get to know a lot about this anonymous person.

I did however get to know what he didn't like.

And was quite astonished when he allowed me to read some of his works.

The way he talks about things is completely different than the way he rights...

He has passion. He has spunk. He has a LOT of potential.

If I put his writing here he would probably be... well frankly I don't quite know what his reaction would be.. or if he even reads this. Probably not.--- laughing to myself.


I hope he continues to write, he has a serious gift... one that I would steal if I had the chance...


This writing thing is difficult. I hope someday I could just "get it".


Godspeed<3

Day 15. My Observations at Marytown

As I sit here in this most sacred place. I think deeply.

Looking around at the magnificent beauty.

Silence overcomes this wonderful place.
Silence I so badly need.

I see five Franciscan friars, prayerfully lifting their gaze towards the huge monstrance.

Just praying...

How long? How many times a day do these men pray?

The number would probably astound me.

I cannot help  but lift my eyes from my blue journal to marvel at the beauty of the body of Christ.

Its beauty...

How do you do it?

Six Friars now..

How do you love unconditionally? When there are people like me who don't think they deserve your magnificent love??

Of course there is no immediate answer.


I can't help but think this place is a palace... a palace for God...

5:00pm... The people in the front begin a prayer. Unfortunately all I can hear is mumbles, and then the great Glory Be.

Though some people would cringe at the sound of prayers in unison- Chants if you will- I think it is beautiful...

Again the great Glory Be.

Part of me wishes there was a ladder tall enough to reach the top of the sanctuary where the monstrance is kept.


Focus.


The squeaks of an older mans shoes breaks my focus, concentration...

Such beauty here....

The mumbling prayer ends and the people in the front all stand. The sign of the cross is made, and more prayers, chants, are said... and again the great Glory Be.

My focus is drawn to a lady in red. Her hands folded like a young girl on her first communion day. So reverent.

Though I could not see her face, and nor did I know her personally... Her soul seemed beautiful. So filled with God...

She was like a statue. Other than her hands flipping the pages of her book. She doesn't sway, or move her head, or fiddle her fingers. She is in deep prayer... She is with God.


She exits the front with such grase and moves back to her pew. She's like a princess...


The congregation exits the church, including all six Friars..

And I am left to marvel at the beauty of this holy place....



Godspeed <3

Day 14. With love, Me

Dear My Future,

Hello. I am glad you are reading this. I am more than glad you are somewhere you are happy.  I think that where you are compared to where you were is night and day. I mean really, think back to how things were.
Crazy right?
There was so much chaos compared to your now. Surely now has a new type of chaos, but a chaos that you enjoy to have with you.

I am glad that you're life is going as planned.  That isn't why I am here today....

I am here to say thanks.
Thanks for not giving up.
Thanks for praying. Thanks for finding what you needed and what you wanted and that they were the same thing.

Thanks for dealing with all the rants and raves and struggles.

Thanks for being okay.

Thanks for never giving up on anything you love.

Thanks for being totally awesome.

Thanks for being loud.

Thanks for the different hair styles... no matter how much we hated them.

Thanks for just being you... even when the world decided other wise.

I hope you're still writing.

I hope you have found God's will for you... I know that was a big one.

Thanks for everything.


With love,
Me.

Yours Truly, Paradise Fears <3

Day 13. The Rain

I love the rain.

So much....

The rain can always say what you don't want to..

If it pours,

If it's light.

If it is distructive.

If it is loud..

I love rain,

Especially on days like today..

Mid-Autumn

Today it rained hard.

There was thunder

And the rain came in sheets..

Knocking leaves from the trees and spreading them across the concrete.

It looks super cool now that it has stopped raining...

I feel like people can lose themselves in the rain.

Forget all of their problems and just let the rain rush over them..

Super cool.

The rain  can be healing.

Washing away everything you want to forget.

Setting you free from the past.


The rain...

It's a pretty cool thing mother nature does...


Godspeed <3

Day 12. The Un-Edibles....

I love looking back and reading old things that I have written.

What I love better is looking back and seeing what people have helped me write.


This was written in a one hour time frame.
It was done by a former staffer and myself.

And I cannot help laugh each time I read it because it is so dang awesome...

When you read this go line by line...
 Don't look ahead, just enjoy each word that is in front of you.

The Un-edibles

Pain,

Suffering,

Illness.

The ground crowded,

Filled with vegetables.

Unable to move from the grasps of the destroyer.

Their voices are silent.

Their lifeline dwindling.

Their only savior doesn’t know what to do.

Asking question after question

Trying to find an answer to the disease killing those she worked so hard for.

She tries so hard to keep them alive,

Only to pull them from their warm homes.

She is their life.

She is their death.

She is Maria.

 

 

Now think about this... What if this wasn't about a disease, an illness, a plague destroying a country or a hospital or whatever you thought.. what if it was a garden... and "Maria" was a garden with a mold infestation  in her garden..... what then??? Would this story have a completely different outlook to it..

 

I think so.

 

 

Have a good night everyone.

 

Godspeed <3

Day 11. BLAH

There are moments like this when I wish my head and stomach would cooperate with me and just let me be... not feeling like I'm going to puke every three minutes...

Well yes, so it is 5 minutes to midnight and I had realized that I hadn't written anything today... WOOT

So here I am all migraned up looking at a computer screen--smart-- writing to you lovely peoplel...

Seriously though, you people are awesome... but let's get back on track here...

I have nothing interesting to say because that would take to much brain power and if you've ever had a migrane you know that doing that would make your brain almost explode.... so I'm going to show you a video about the year of faith done by the Diocese of Madison, WI. It's pretty neat...

FUN FACT!! The church they are filming in is the church I would like to get married in!

Year of Faith Introduction- Diocese of Madison WI

 

 

Godspeed <3

Day 10. Reasons why I choose to live.

This being day 10 I decided that there should be a list in here.
So here is my list.

Ten Reasons I choose to live life.
1. I am put here for a reason.
2. I am supposed to make an impact on someones life. I don't know who it is I am to impact, but I hope I do the job justice.
3. To prove to those who wish me unwell that I am worth more than that.
4. To write, sing, paint, do photography.. to share my creativity.
5. To make my family proud.
6. To find love.
7. To find what makes me happy in life, in a job, in my head.
8. To love God, all of His creation, everyone and everything.
9. To teach God's word.
10.  Because I am a fighter.

The Fighter --- Paradise Fears cover of Gym Class Heros

Day 9. Home

This was actually written over 2 years ago. Suprisingly most of what is said here I still firmly believe the word "Home" is. Enjoy.

Godspeed <3

 

My Home

 

Home, to me home isn’t a place you live, it isn’t where you sleep, eat, or play. Home is much more than that. Home is where a soul dwells. It is where I am able to be myself, where I am able to be free, no strings or questions attached.

 

Where does a soul dwell? A soul dwells in a safe, reliable place. Somewhere it can call its own. Where it is able to run free, live, without fear. The soul dwells where love is found. Where hope is a number one contender in the game of life, where happiness has no boundaries. Where the soul dwells, is somewhere filled with peace and excitement all at once. Where there is no care in the world except for the moment at hand. That is where a soul dwells.

 

Now where am I able to be myself? I am able to be myself in a place 131 miles away, in the little town of Reedsburg, Wisconsin. My home is a long gravel road leading into a different world. It is filled with laughter, love, and joy. My home is running through the athletic field screaming at the top of my lungs read for the best game of our lives. Around the ringing of laughter, faces filled with “war paint” from ashes. My home is filled with the dim hallways of night, while children dream of Christians fighting the tough battle from the Romans. Leaders filling the hearts of children with hope, while singing the sweetest lullabies.

 

Where I am able to be myself is sitting around a fold up table, drinking warm hot chocolate, conversing about the highs and lows of my day. Chatting about where God was today, and the cute children we worked with.

 

The place I call home is a place like no other. Where I am able to sleep around the ones I love in the old chapel, where I am able to eat sundae crunch bars while singing songs or playing ninja. My home is sitting in the Chapel, listening to the enchanting sounds of the care free world around me.

 

My home is the dark gray asphalt, where the light “ping” of a basketball hits the back board as a child reaches his dreams in a game of lightning. Where the sound of laughter and joy ring out daily. My home is the seventy-five degree weather, partly cloudy, with the sun peeking out of a cloud, the ray landing right on my face warming me to the core.

 

My home is not just a simple camp ground. My home is not a place of the past. My home is not a crutch, for when you need a “happy moment”. My home is holy ground. It is so much more than the land. It is so much more than the people. It is so much more than all of that. My home is a place to learn about myself, and the world around me. My home shows me that I am strong in all I do. This is what every home should do. Help whoever’s soul that dwells there, to find itself, and make it the person that they will be for the rest of their lives. That is what a home is.

 

Day 8. The Unfinished Master Peice Called Life.

Life...
Seems a lot simpler in writing than it actually is..


The same with writing, once the writing is finished it seems like it was so simple to write.

Like the words just flew from the pen and landed softly on the pages, like snow..

What people don't see are the pauses between each line.

Trying to find the exact words to fit perfectly with each phrase.

The shaky hands holding the pen,

The erased lines that never made it into the master piece.

The torn out pages that were too wrong in the writers mind.


Sometimes I wish life could have erasers, or the power to "rip out pages"

Then become fixed by the writer of life.

That the sentenecs that didn't make sense when you say them could be back tracked and re-written.

Like having a sharpie that erases.



Then it wouldn't be a sharpie right?
It would have the label of a "sharpie"
But that's not what it is...

Sure life that could back track or be re-written like the first draft of a piece would be great.


Life isn't like that though..
We can't just re-write the mistakes,
The embarassments,
Outbursts,
The tears...
All the things we wish we could change, or re-write.

That's not how God intended life to be...

He gave us different opportunties to start over.

To start a new page,
A new chapter, if you will...

But He doesn't want to erase or throw away our past.

He wants us to learn from it.

To make the master peice perfect.

The published work of art, worth every drop sweat, blood, and tear.



Godspeed <3

Sanctuary--Paradise Fears 

Day 7. The next 5 years.

When I think about where I am going in life,

Or where I want to be in like... 5 years or so.

Frankly I have no clue.

Which can seem a little... scary, yeah?

More like terrifying.

Well, most of the time it's terrifying.

I mean, I am always one to worry and freak out and analyze over every little detail.

At the moment I am getting no feeling of worry or fear...

Gee.... Weird. Seriously... weird.


Anyways, whatever I'm doing, I know I will be doing it because I love it. I will be doing it because it is something I want to do for the rest of my life.


The only hope I have is that I will be doing what God wants of me.

I keep looking out for those feathers..

Those signs, that I am where I am supposed to be.

That if I take this path, it won't lead to distruction....
Damnation.

Wow.. this has taken a turn for the worst hasn't it.

I just want to do something that I can put my whole heart into.
And love every minute of it...

Godspeed <3

Home-Paradise Fears

 

Sure. I posted this once before. This seems more fitting. 

Day 6 Worn.

I have been listening to the recent Tenth Avenue North album- The Struggle.

Good start.

Tenth Avenue North always knows how to get me back on track.


Here is a song that hit me hard.

Tenth Avenue North-- Worn

 

 

Godspeed <3

Day 5. Nowhere blog.

I've come up with a lot of goals in the last few days.

None of them important to me.

Recently looking back at previous blog posts my internal emotions began to stir.

Why was my faith so much stronger then, and now, it seems near non-existant...

Why am I so far away from the only one who knows me best?


I cannot seem to understand what made me move away from God.

But, it happened.
And I want to fix it.

Now.


I don't quite know how to begin it.
I can do the whole Adoration, be with God in silence thing.

I need to start smaller.

I want to rebuild that relationship that I had with the only one I really truly need.

I don't know...
 Maybe it's because I am scared.

Truly trusting... of course.. a skill I have always had a struggle with. Nothing new there.

Maybe I am just worried....

what for?

Heck if I knew...


Well, I feel like this blog is running in circles..

I just need to figure out where/how I can find my faith again.

Godspeed <3

HOME- Paradise Fears

Super cool song, recently fell in like with it.

Give it a listen.

Day 4. The Bestest

These next few days posts may be alittle short.

Why you may ask?

Well, right now I am sitting next to a pretty cool chick who I haven't seen in about six months-ish.

Right now we are laughing over the amount of time we have seen each other.

She says we are fighting... false.

This is what we consist of, laughing, disagreements, and looking at stuff on the computer... separate computers no less.

And quite frankly I love every minute of it.

She is a wonderful person, and I don't know what I would without her.


We have a  jam-packed day tomorrow, I will keep you updated with it.


Well, what am I doing still here, I gotta go hang out with the bestest....




Jeez this sounded a lot like a teenager post...

Apologies.


Godspeed <3

Day 3. There Comes a Time

I wrote this a while ago. I don't quite know why it isn't published. Well, I guess it's time for the world to see it.

Godspeed <3


There comes a time where people need to walk away.

Where they need to isolate themselves from all that they know.

And strive on instinct and faith alone.


A time when people need to let go of their past.

Their future.

And just live in the moment.

Away from everyone.


Where they can learn about themselves.

Who they are.

Without the forces of the media.

Or Society.


To be able to just breathe the open air.

Without a ring.

Beep,

Or vibration

Of a phone,

Car.

Or Computer.


To be able to lay,

In the sun,

and just rest.

Just be....

and not worry about what is going on in the world.

to be in the safety and comfort of your own mind.

TO not have to worry about appearance,

or the etiquette of your actions.

To not worry about make up,

or being buff,

To not have to worry about
Drama,
Sadness,
or the dreams of others.
J ust your own

To not have to worry about
where you will be in 10 years.
Where you will live,.
Who you will love.

But to lay on the open grassy field.
and cloud watch.
To just listen to the wind.
And rest.

but just being.

Just living in the moment,

Your moment.

Day 2. Leaves for Currency?

Ok, right now it is 10:06pm, the presidential debate had just recently ended...

Guess who didn't watch it me...

I spent my time laughing at all the Twitter and Facebook statuses being posted about said debate.

What I got out of it--
Obama got his butt kicked during this debate
Something with PBS and Seasme Street.
People hating Romney.
People saying that random people should be president, people who have nothing to do with politics.....
And lastly what I had learned from reading Tweets and Statuses, is that everyone is going to have an opinoin.. I believe that we should just go insane.

I just made myself laugh...
But seriously, this is what I'm thinking.
Let's make leaves currency...
Yes, leaves from trees.
Crazy? Maybe.
Funny? Definately.

Think about it, leaves can always grow back. Trees can always be replanted. I mean we don't need to use paper anymore because we have the internet, so why cut down trees?

Again think about this. The more trees you have on your property the more your property is worth.
If you live in a tree house you're frickin rich.

Have I gone off the deep end?

Probably.

I think politics are stupid.

Let's just all get along.

#sillypoliticalthings...

Godspeed <3

Day ONE of THIRTY TWO- Introduction- WHAT AM I DOING?!

Well, let me begin by saying hello again Blog.
Very nice to see you.
I cannot even tell you how many things I have written but haven't published.

Now let me explain what is going on here.

You may be asking yourself--
"Self, what is with the title? Day ONE of THIRTY TWO?"
What does that mean?

Well, guess what! I AM HERE TO TELL YOU!!

All the way until November 2, 2012, I, Michelle, will be writing a blog post.

Holy smokes, that's a big commitment.

You're telling me.... I can barely finish this post.

But seriously I have recently talked to someone about a goal for the rest of the year..

I have a goal to try and find different medias to get my thoughts out.
To talk...
To prove something to myself.. That I can stick to something.
So this month I will be blogging.
And hopefully it will continue past this month.

Next month something different.

The month after Something different.

Who knows!!

But yes, for the next 31 days I will be writing, about life, creative writing, etc.
because I want to. So if you would like to stick around I would be more than exicted.

Here Goes..

Godspeed <3