Trust in Me, Trust in Him.

"My child, why do you push away the precious gift I have given to you?" My Savior's voice was filled with confusion and slight disappointment. "Why are you afraid of something you've wanted for so long?"

My mind spun in circles trying to comprehend exactly why I was pushing away this gift I've begged for, prayed for, pleaded for...

My voice was no louder than a whisper, " I don't know, Father... I just... I'm scared, confused, this isn't what I'm used to... I have so many "What if" questions running through my head. Lord, I am so scared."

His laugh bellowed through the field. It was not a laugh that made me feel humiliated or scared of a response. It was a laugh of understanding.

"My Child, I gave you this precious gift because you both were ready. Yes, My child, you both were ready to meet and to take the steps in the direction I want you to be in. I do not put these milestones in your life because I think it will be amusing. I do it because I know you are ready for them.That they will lead you to where I want you to be. I will never give you anything you will not be able to handle. You are stronger than you think."

I thought for a minute, letting His words sink in. "How can I not push him away? How can I stop being so afraid? How can I get past that? How can I move away from my insecurities?"

His bright smile stayed. "I want you to Trust in Me and in him. Trust in what he shows you, My child. Trust that I have given you the precious gift of love because you are strong enough, wise enough to understand it. Trust that his actions will show you his love. Trust in Me and trust in him, my child. Trust that this is a part of my plan for you."

"I made you in my image. You are a beautiful daughter of mine. In my eyes your insecurities meaningless. In my eyes you are just how I made you to be. In my eyes you are perfect."

I let His words sink deep into my soul and nodded, understanding what He was saying.

"Now go, spread my love, show it to everyone you meet. Share my love with the gift I gave you. Share my love with those who think they least deserve it."

With that I left the field where my Savior stood, going back into reality.

At the outskirts of the field stood the man with hazel blue eyes. Waiting patiently, legs shoulder width apart, arms crossed, guard-like, strong. He turned just as I exited the field, shining a smile in my direction. He reached out his hand towards mine. As I grasped his hand he pulled me into an embrace, holding me tightly for a quick second. Then taking my hand as we walked away.

As I walked quietly next to him with a modest smile I let my Savior's words engrave themselves into my mind.

Need.

I need you like a guitar needs strings.

I need you like a book needs pages.

I need you like a poet needs words.

I need you like bees need pollen.

I need you like babies need a mother.

I need you like plants need water.

I need you like a car needs gas.

I need you like the beach needs waves.

I need you like trees need leaves.

I need you like birds need worms.

I need you like a closet needs stuff.

I need you like feet need shoes.

I need you like a light needs electricity.

I need you like a fire needs kindling.

I need you like the stars need a sky.

I need you like summer needs heat.

I need you like a reporter needs news.

I need you like a teenager needs an internet connection.

I need you...

I Need You- Tim McGraw and Faith Hill

I believe in God.

I believe in God.

I believe in God like some people believe in love, or a cure for a disease, or in the air we breathe.

I don't know, I believe that God whole-heartedly, 150,000,000,000% wants the best for me and the ones I love.

I believe that God is there with me in every step, every breath, every mistake, every tear in my life.

I believe that God would have a mouthful to say to me when I meet Him.

Like a loving parent would to a child they haven't seen in a while.

I believe that I receive affection from God at least 10 times a day.

With the way the sun shines through the clouds.

When it rains.

When there is really cool clouds outside that look kind of creepy but totally awesome and I am able to take a picture of it. ( yes, that was a rambled sentence.)

I believe that God is real, not because I feel like I need something to believe in... But because I feel like without knowing the type of love and compassion God has shown and given to me, I wouldn't be 1. Alive
2. The person I am today.

God, no matter how far I fall away from Him, or how "in my head" I can get, God will always, ALWAYS be there.

How absolutely crazy is that?  That this being. This almighty, all powerful being, who could literally decide not to give me the time of day because He's got other stuff to do, loves ME?!

UNCONDITIONALLY?!

NO MATTER WHAT I DO?!

WHAAAAAA?!

How absolutely, positively, bonkers crazy.

My mind will never, ever in a billion years be able to fathom God's love and compassion for me.

I may sound crazy, or silly, or whatever you want to call me. But just think about it, there is a Man, who has the world and so much more, but wants to love YOU!

You!

Whole-heartedly!

Unconditionally!

I don't think I can say that enough.

There is a God who loves you and me. Who wants nothing more than to just have a conversation with you. To just hear you say hello to Him.

That's it, just a simple hello.

Things I Want in Life 2

1. To be surprised
2. To receive flowers, just because
3. To go to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. 
4. To sing
5. To help someone in need
6. To impact a life
7. See the Pope
8. To teach. 
9. To teach about God. 
10. To spend a day in bed watching movies and cuddling with someone I love. 
11. Wear dresses-- all the time. 
12. To feel comfortable in my own skin.
13. Have my father walk me down the isle. 
14. To publish something officially.
15.  Travel to all 50 states.
16. To be loved unconditionally.
17. To love unconditionally. 
18. To go to World Youth Day
19. To go to Steubenville Conference.
20. To go to a murder-mystery party.

Things I Want in Life...

1. Love
2. Hope 
3. Happiness
4. A family 
5. Children (2-3 to be exact)
6. A relationship with God
7. A healthy relationship with myself 
8. A healthy relationship with my family
9. To know what the heck I'm doing with my life
10. To see love when it's given 
11. To understand that I am loveable 
12. To know that love is subtle 
13. To know that love is vibrant
14. Give all of my love
15. To travel
16. Be with someone I love forever. 
17. To be healthy
18. To get married
19. To retire
20. To have a job I adore 
21. To love life
22. To be living and not just surviving 
23. Joy
24. To enjoy Holidays with my very own family
25. To have traditions 
26. To feel loved and not have to worry about it 
27. To feel confident in myself 
28. To feel confident in my decisions 
29.  To love myself completely 
30. To make an impact.

Games.

Something I think is crazy is when my mind plays games with me.

I love games. All kinds of games.

Card games,
Board games,
Outdoor games,
Computer games,
So on and so forth.

I do not like mind games.

Especially mind games I play on myself.

Mind games telling me that I am not worth it.

That I am not lovable.

That I will be left.

That stuff, nope, I don't like it.

When I get those thoughts coming into my brain.

It's hard not believing them.

Not because they are believable, but because they aren't from someone elses mouth.

And, I don't know, the fact that it comes from me makes it more real. 

I know that the negative thoughts that my brain is telling me are ones that are false and for nose beyond false. 

It is just how my brain works. 

I hope there are other people out there in the world that are dealing with this too. Because I don't want you to feel crazy. Or alone in this. You are not alone in this. 

Thanks..

Her Melt Downs

She had melt downs. Many many melt downs. Where she would feel out of control. Where she would let the anger take control. Where she would forget who she was and be a monster. She would be the demon deep inside of her. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being.

Her melt downs or freak outs would consist of her yelling, throwing, swearing, slamming, scaring, glaring. Her eyes would turn crazy. Open wide, with a look of sheer hatred. Eyes that would scare the strongest of men. Eyes that were not her own, but those of the demon deep insider her. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being.

Her freak outs would only last a short amount of time. Some lasted five minutes. Some lasted 25 minutes. Some lasted 10 minutes. They ranged. It all depended on how long she had held in her anger. The anger that was not her own. The anger of the demon deep inside her. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being.

Once her melt downs were finished. Once everyone was now afraid of her. She would hide. Locked behind the door of her bathroom. Behind that locked door she hid, staring at the demon deep inside her. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being.

After her melt downs, locked in the bathroom, hiding, and staring, she would tell herself lies. How much she was hated. How much she was unloved. How she didn't deserve love from everyone. How she was an abomination. How she was a monster. How she was better off alone. How it was safer for everyone if she was alone. How she will never be free. How she will never be better. How she will live with this forever. These lies were not her own. They were from the demon deep inside her. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being.

There would be times after her melt downs, locked in the bathroom, deep in the mix of lies, where she would find a release by writing hatred and lies on her skin. The hatred and lies were always written in a sequence of twos or threes. The ink flowed a deep red, leaving her feeling empty, released from the hatred, the anger, the lies. Those of which were not her own, but those of the demon deep inside her. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being.

Once it was all over- the melt downs, being locked in the bathroom, filling herself with lies, writing hatred and lies on her skin, she would be better. Not happy, but better. She wouldn't feel so much hatred. She couldn't hear the lies that swirled quickly around her head, locking away deep inside for a rainy day. She would build. Build with intangible bricks. Stacking them one foot away from her. building the unseen wall three bricks thick. Building up higher than her arms could reach. Her intangible brick square tower was built. Blocking all emotion or feeling, both in and out. Keeping her safe from all the angers of the world. Keeping the demon deep inside of her safe. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being... safe...

Prove Me Wrong

If I stopped talking to you today abruptly, no explanation, no warning signs, nothing, what would you do?

Would you try to figure out what happened? 

Would you try every possible way to get a hold of me? 

Would you fight to try and get me back? 

Answer "no" to one of these, any of them: I'm not your one. 

Still think I am? 

Prove it...

Show me I am.

Show me this relationship will never be a one-way-street. 

Show me you don't want to be a "normal" part of my life. 

Show me you care. 

Show me you want me. 

Show me I am more than just some girl to you. 

Show me I am different to you. 

Prove me wrong. 

Open up to me. 

Put your trust in me. 

Do something different with me. 

Surprise me. 

Show me I'm worth some sort of fight. 

Treat me like each time you see me may be your last. 

Prove me wrong. 

I'll try to do the same to you. 

I will try to show you I want you to be it for me. 

Prove me wrong... 

What I want you to say to me.

I'm not going anywhere.

I am here for you.

I love you.

This will not scare me away.

Confide in me.

I am not going to leave because of your disease.

I care about you.

How can I help you?

Let me be there for you.

Open up to me.

You are still beautiful.

You are worth my time.

You will not go through this alone.

You are not alone.

We will get through this episode together.

Uncontrollable

It's been quite a long time since I've felt like this...

Uncontrollable.

I'm in the beginning of my episode.

I am scared.

I am lost.

I am hurting.

I hate this disease more than anything in the world.

I wish my brain was normal.

I wish I was normal.

I feel so incredibly uncontrollable.

I need to stop feeling like this.

I need to fix myself.

I need to do something because I am going to have a freak out soon.

And that is never good.

I need to stop feeling uncontrollable.

I need to take control of the situation.

Breathe...

Breathe...

Breathe.

Tired and Worn

It's funny how I can tell when I am getting into one of my cycles.

I get tired. Tired of the world... tired of working... tired of trying.

I start to just not give a single care for anything.

Which is never good.

My mind starts playing tricks on me.

Making me believe I'm just not worth anything.

I am just tired.

I'm tired of being a parent to my younger siblings.

I'm tired of having to wait around to see what exactly is going on in my house to figure out my schedule.

I'm tired of not being able to have some sort of freedom that spreads farther than a few miles.

I'm tired of being told the same thing over and over.

I'm tired of the constant disappointment  that I face, and that I cause

I've become worn.

I can feel those walls I so gracefully tried to take down begin to form again.

I've become tired and worn...

I hope this cycle passes quickly.

I am trying with all of my might not to be at the grips of this disease.

I will fight harder than anyone has fought over this disease.

I will not let it control me. 

Worn - Tenth Avenue North

Hope Will Lead Us On- BarlowGirl

Equal Protection

I could slowly feel the shadow reach around us.

Clawing to break the surface of something it will never experience.

His arms wrapped around me tightly.

Shielding me from the terrible shadow.

I felt safe, peaceful, at rest.

But I knew better.

I knew he was experiencing everything that was meant for me.

Ever emotion.

The emptiness.

The guilt.

The sadness.

The invisible scars and bruises.

Slowly tearing him apart from the inside out.

I knew what I had to do.

I moved his strong arms from around me.

Letting the shadow engulf me once more.

I felt it even if it was just fora second.

The hatred,

The pain.

I felt the scars from once more.

It was quick and easy.

He moved towards me trying to protect.

The black shadow striking him,

Quickly, leaving marks.

I moved towards him with a swiftness I had never used before.

My arms flew around him at the same time his went around me.

The protection had finally become equal.


Sure, the shadow will always be a broken embrace away...

Sure, I will not always be there to keep the protection equal.

I will do anything and everything in my power to keep my guardian safe from that disgusting shadow that ruins souls.

I Got U- Leona Lewis

Uncharted Territory

I've found that the sadness that I had felt before is now a rarity.

The emptiness has become surprisingly full.

Honestly, I can say this change is undoubtedly terrifying.

The change in my responsiveness to life is something I am not used to.

Quite eerie actually.

Like at the drop of a hat everything could be turned back around.

The full feeling I have now can quickly become empty once more.

I am not sure if I would be phased by it.

There was something comforting about the emptiness.

It was the high probability of never getting hurt.

I was safe from the feelings that leave people too quickly.

I was sheltered from those feelings that leave abruptly.

I am venturing into uncharted territory. 

I am excited about that.

It is a much needed adjustment in my purposely sheltered life.

I am incredibly anxious charting into these new waters of emotions.

I am apprehensive to the new waters.

I want to hastily drift far, far away from these new feelings and go back to the emptiness.

As ill-minded as that is,

It is what I know.

It is all that I know.

So, as I venture deep into these new uncharted terrain,

I will always hear the far off sounds of emptiness,

Craving my return...