Saturday, December 31, 2011

Day 44. The Sun is Setting

Well,

It looks as though the sun is setting on another life lesson filled year.

Where friendships have been lost, rekindled, made, and expanded.

Where tears have been shead, given, and taken.

Where laughs have been shared, made, and taken.

Where smiles have been charished, shattered, and remembered.

Where love has been spread, torn, and given.

Where songs have been able to speak when we can't.

Where stares can explain our emotions better than we could have said.

Where a simple hello created a long lasting friendship.

Where we jumped for joy.

And shrank in pain and sadness.

Where hearts were given, taken, lost, and loved.

I have learned a lot this past 365 days.

I do not regret the actions I made, or the things I said.

I do not regret the friendships that were torn,
But If they were to return in 2012 I would let them in with open arms.

I am happy for the friendships that have been rekindled.
I am glad for the tears I've shed.
I am ecstatic for the laughs I've shared.
I am greatful for the love I've felt.

I am happy 2011 was a year of learning.

But I am more than ready for 2012 to bring its light into the world,
I am ready for God to bring me new challenges
New opportunties
New friendships
New relationships
New problems
New hopes
New reasons to be alive.

Godspeed <3
On and On Tenth Avenue North

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Day 43. Find Me

We are all called to do great things.

We are all called to be found.

We are all called to be the best person we can be.

I am called to be a care taker.

I know that for sure.

A care taker of what?

That is still up to God.

But I have found something that I am good at.

He helped me find it.

I pray He can help me find more,

A home,
Friends,
A job,
Love...

But that will be up in the air for a while...

But God found me.
And He's no where near being completely done finding all of me yet.

Godspeed <3
Find Me-- Boyce Avenue

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Day 42. I Am Copying Amanda Bedford. Because My Mind Is in Jumbles.

Since I cannot seem to come up with a clear, coherent blog, I have decided to copy a fellow blogger of mine. Well here goes.

Things I have learned recently.
1. I analyze everything. Immediately.
2. I have a love/ hate relationship with being alone.
3. I explain my feelings through music.
4. I love super intense classical music... Go listen to the harry potter soundtrack and you will understand.
5. I care about people.... sometimes too much.
6. I can honestly say I love someone....And they will never understand how much it kills me.
7. I write to God, more than simply pray in my head. I also like to yell in the car to God. That seems to do the job.
8. I love my family. Even when I don't show it.
9. I tend to be obessed with certain things for a long/short period of time then completely drop them.
10. I could have computer pillow talks with Amanda Bedford for hours on end and not be tired. ( I could have real pillow talks with Amanda Bedford and not be tired, and be crying of laughter).
10.5. I think She's the one I could tell anything to and she wouldn't judge me.
11. I trust to easily
12. I let my heart go to certain people too quickly..
13. I love God.
14. I love God so much, but I don't know what He wants for my future.
15. I am going to fight for the youth of the Church.
16. I am being called to work with kids and teach them about Christ.
17. Kids will never learn if you lecture them.
18. I cannot wait to have a family of my own.
19. I cannot wait to go away to college.
20. My life has been filled with crazy, hecktic DRA-MA-tastic, exciting stuff. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
20. I have a new favorite band-- Boyce Avenue. Take a gander....

Godspeed <3
Boyce Avenue-- Find ME

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Day 41. More than Enough.

There is a undefined definition of a "Camp Friend".

It's kind of different than the definition of a "Friend".

For those who have ever been involved in any way to any sort of camp. I think you may understand.

THE UNDEFINED DEFINITION OF A
"CAMP FRIEND":
Someone you can trust.
Someone who you see twice out of the year. But when you get the chance to see them... It feels like you saw them yesterday.
Someone who will be there for you. Even when you don't want them to.
Someone who will fight for you. Till the end.
Someone who will love you unconditionally.
Someone who will love you. Forever.
Someone who will be willing to stand up for you.
Someone who you argue with. But still care for at the end of the day.
Someone who is willing to stay up in the early hours of the morning for you. Even if you're asleep.
Someone who you can run to for help.
Someone who is willing to tell you what you're doing is stupid. But will still love you and support you through the stupid times.
Someone who you can share your beliefs and faith with.
Someone who you can show your heart to. And they won't rip it to shreds.
A "Camp Friend" is someone who is family.
Family is unbreakable.
Having Camp Friends, In my life... It's more than enough.

Godspeed <3

More than Enough-- Ministry of Magic

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Day 40. Blue and Red.

I stumble closer to the zone.

This is no ordinary war.

A circle carved into the ground
Like a crater.

In the middle
Black
White
Entangled

Surrounding the brawl
Blue
Red
Wings
Fire.

A Red saw me staring dumbfounded

It whispered to me.
Wanting me to come closer.
To see this battle from an inside view.
I was mesmerized.
I began to follow the whispers.
Come Closer,
Come see whats happening,
Maybe you could help.
Red's voice was eerily inviting.

As I moved closer to the crater circle
I was pushed back,
The deep shade of blue came over me.
Red's voice still lingering.
Come back, dear.
Come see...

Blue was talking over the Red.
You can't.
You know you can't.
It's not safe.
It didn't struggle to push me back,
It could tell I didn't want to listen.

White became dim,
For the split second the battle paused.
It was only light,
A small faint light.
Cherub, I don't want to see you get hurt.
I love you.
Stay where you are.
The light looked away from me,
to the Blue and simply said,
Stay with her.

Battle of Hogwarts: Official Theme.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Day 39. This is War.

The sounds ring through my ears.
Sirens.
Screams.
Chaos.

The explosions turn from
deep red
orange
and yellow
to black
in the blink of an eye.

I scramble,
Like others,
looking,
praying
to find someone I know
Alive.

I am going the opposite direction of the crowd,
Towards the target zone.
I know what this is.
I've seen it.
Felt it before.

This isn't a simple attack
This was not a simple army.

The ground shook from another explosion.
The smoke clouded the ground and the sky.
No one around me looked up.
Scared for what they might see.

Frozen,
I looked up.
Lightning,
Shooting out of the dark gray clouds.

I am mesmerized
It looks so beautiful.
Focus

I shake myself from the trance
and move towards the war zone. 


Thirty Seconds to Mars-- This is War.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Day 38. Haunted

Shaky hands.
Unbearably shaky.

That thing my neck does.
When I'm nervous, anxious, or frustrated.

My teeth,
Chipping away at my bottom lip, and the inside of my lips.

My fingers,
Involuntarily playing with my rings.

My feet,
Always moving so all the pressure is on my ankles. Smart.

My mind,
Always thinking about what was...
What will be...
Never what is....

My eyes...
With the ability to be so very good at not showing the true emotion.

My ears,
Always hearing things they shouldn't.
Things they weren't supposed to.

My voice,
With the inability to make coherent sentences when needed.
The ability to lie.
The inability to keep quiet when needed.

The involuntary.. stupid... shaky hands.
The thing my neck does....

I have noticed recently that those stupid little..twitches. have been things that haunt me. nuff said...

 
Breathe -- Superchick


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Day 37. Deafened.

Meredith Andrews Can Anybody Hear Me?

I don't really know what to really say.
I want to scream out to Him.
THIS SILENCE IS DEAFENING!
WHERE ARE YOU?!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!
I TRUST YOU
WHERE YOU?

CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME?!
THIS SILENCE IS DEAFENING
WHY ARE YOU
SO FAR AWAY?!!!
~  ~  ~
I trust in You.
I know that you can hear me,
when the silence is deafening,
Even though you seem far away...
And I know You're here with me
But I just need the faith to see
Nothing can separate me
FROM YOU. 

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Day 36.

Torture.
The chains that have restrained me are starting to leave marks.
Scars.
he's blinded me.
I am surrounded.

his words haunt me.
I haven't even shown you my worst.
I'm just getting started.
his words have surrounded everything I know to be real.
he's shown me scenarios of my life.
Showing me what I could be.
What I could have.

I want none of it.
Go away.
My mouth becomes dry.
I know what he's capable of.
he laughs removing the darkness from my eyes.
Pardon?
his polite manner makes me want to vomit.

I'm not afraid of you.
I can't look him in the face.
I keep His words in my head.
You are so strong.
I am not afraid of you.
I say again, glaring into his piercing blue eyes.
his wicked smile returns.

Don't lose eye contact.
he walks over to me.
I shake with fear repeating His words in my head again.
You are strong,
Brave.
I am with you in the silence.
He is here now.

The only sound was the click of his shoes as he moves for the kill.
I close my eyes and picture the light.
he forces my eyes open.
Staring unsympathetically into his now red eyes.
his grotesque smile was larger than ever.

I try to keep Him in my mind.
I pray as he holds my face.
everything burns.

Hail Mary full of grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed are You Among women,
And blessed is the fruit of Your womb,
Holy Mary, Mother of God.
Pray for us sinners,
Now and at the our of our death
Amen.

The world turned black.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Day 35.

he doesn't seem to be growing weak,
I seem to be growing stronger.
he sees it.
My weaknesses shrinking.

"I won't lose."
he hissed.
The chains around me squeezed to emphasise the threat.
I begin to get irriated.
his thoughts intrude my mind again.
I haven't even shown you the worst yet.
his laugh engulfs my brain.
It makes me want to SCREAM!

But that's what he wants.
he wants me to feel anger.
Pain. Anguish.
he feeds off of those things.


I've heard Him again.
You are strong.
Brave.
I see you.
I hear you.
I am here, in the silence.
Patience, everything will be well.


This put him on edge.
Most things have been.
Knowing that he may lose.

The war isn't anywhere near over.
The wounds have not completely healed quite yet.
Patience, everything will be well.

JJ Heller-- No Fight Left

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Day 34. I'm Still Holding- I'm Barely Holding On To You.

Broken Lifehouse.


I have noticed I speak best through songs, and ficiton. Stories that aren't true, fake.

It's so much easier to take yourself out of a situation and cover it up with a story. With a world so much smaller and so much prettier than this one.

It's so much easier to forget and make it seem like nothing happened.

To change the sky from black, to sky blue.
To make the scars turn to butterflies.
To make the tears turn to snowflakes.

Life isn't that simple.
Life isn't butterflies, unicorns, and rainbows filled with sunshine.

Life is getting over it, by coming face to face with the things you dispise most.
Life is looking those things in the eye and saying I am not afraid anymore.
Life is looking through the pain and trying to find a silver lining.
Life is looking for a silver lining when there might not be one.

Life is healing.


Monday, November 21, 2011

Day 33. I Am Here. I See You...

His voice shined through the darkness.
Alittle glimpse of hope once more.

Darkness.
he blocked it once more.
No.
he hissed.
The hatred in his voice was tangible.
No. Do not do this now.
his eyes burned into my cheek.

My eyes closed tight.
It will pass. This will be over. Soon.
I think to the weeks ahead.
To the life ahead of me.

he laughs again.
You, girl, you have no clue.
his laugh was horrific.
As if it mocked my very existance.
his words wrapped tightly around my head.
Get those thoughts out of your head, girl.
The words squeezed tightly around my body.
Binding me.

Words binding me.
his words.
his doubtful, hate-filled words.
Leaving  invisible chains around my body.

I try to make him leave.
Hail Mary full of gr-
My mouth bound. Filled with words of doubt.

The hint of light returns for a second.
I am here Cherub. I see you.
He whispers in my ear. I wiggle in the invisible chains.
Wanting more than anything to break free and run to the light.

he grabs hold of me.
Sweety, stay.
his whisper is like venom in my ears.
his touch burns.
It makes me tense.

I keep that thought in my mind, as he holds me tight.
I keep my eyes closed remembering that shimmer of light.
I keep His words in my mind.
I am here, Cherub. I see you.

Josh Groban You are loved.
Godspeed <3

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Day 32. There he Goes Again.

Courtyard Apocalypse- HP 7.2 Alexandre Desplat

There he goes again,
Working his "magic"
putting the cloak over my eyes once more.

When will this end.
Never.
he laughs.
Never.
It will always be an uphill climb until you give up what HE wants.
he screams.
I will ruin you.
he whispers, his voice filled with hatred.
Until you give up...
you will be hurting.
My ears ring.

he won't leave.
I've seen your weakness, girl.
he laughs.
It's too easy.
his smile is disgusting.
Give up. Girl, I will make sure your weakness is never revealed.
his smile stays.

he knows my answer.
his grotesque smile doesn't leave.
HE can't save you.
he screams.
I can give you anything.
Pleasure,
Love,
Money,
Your hearts desires are in the palm of my hand, not HIS.
he hisses.

his hand black as night, filled with what I want. My desires.

My shaking hands are stuck at my sides. I only see darkness ahead. I turn around, more darkness.
My eyes face upwards, night.
I will sit, waiting, as I fight these temptations.
Praising HIM. Because though he has all I desire, he doesn't have HIM.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Day 31. Somethings Gotta Change.

1. I have amazing friends. This can be totally cheesy, but it's entirely true. The people who I call friends are probably the coolest people in the world.

I needed to say that. Because you need to know you're amazing and totally awesome, and I am so thankful to have you in my life.

To the real point of this blog...

My Consecration is in 5 days... I am now changing is to was..

Let me explain,
I was in adoration tonight, I was invited by one of my friends. A simple text telling me Jesus is going to be there, therefore it is going to be amazing... Changed my night.

I got to adoration in a bit of a flustered mess. Mostly because my house has turned into mass chaos. But that is beside the point.
I have been at the realization that I am majorly behind on my readings and prayings of my consecration. So, tonight, I tried to catch up. Failing miserably of course.
I look up at the beautiful statue of the Blessed Virgin.
Then to the Monstrance.
I'm not ready.
Why am I doing this?
Why am I forcing this?
Why am I trying so hard to get this done...Like a homework assignment?
I started to cry.
I had made the decision to wait, because I am not fully here, spiritually that is.
I have been told to wait.
I love Mary and Jesus too much to force this.

Something has to change in me before I can do this for real.
Godspeed <3
Something's Gotta Change-- Josh Wilson

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Day 30. More like Falling ln LOVE.

I know I've probably already had this title before, but it's so true. I can't help but thinking about my relationship with Christ to be anything other than falling in love.


I don't really know what to say other than that.

More Like Falling In Love -- Jason Gray


Godspeed<3

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Day 29. Stuck in the middle with you

Have you ever had a moment where you felt caught in the middle?

The "Mediator" I have officially crowned myself with that name.

I always seem to be caught in the middle. Mostly because most of the time I just want peace.

But since this world is so terribly imperfect, there is no such thing as peace.

I just wish there was. I question this a lot. God why has the world become such a hateful place.

Why have people become so angry God?

Why did you have to make people like me? Who hate taking sides.. Who hate to see people so upset or distressed with what is going on that they need to make it  a war?! 

I can't help being Switzerland. I'd rather be Switzerland than America, thinking I've got it all while the whole world is laughing at me. I would hate to be any other country than Switzerland.

When I read this over... It reminded me of the scene in Mean Girls when Gretchen made her speech about how we should all just kill Caesar.

But back to the point...
I don't like being in the middle of a war. I don't like to take sides. I do like being Switzerland and not getting involved.

Godspeed <3
Mean Girls...

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Day 28.2 What I Have to Say.

Last post I said I didn't really know what to say...

I have learned that I speak best through song.

Thank you Amanda for this song. Forever my theme song <3
Out of my hands -- Matthew West...
Godspeed <3

Day 28. I Don't Really Know What to Say...

I haven't really had much to say lately...

With the semester coming to a close in a month and the recent happenings of my life, I haven't really felt a need to say much. Mostly the minimum. Not because I'm upset, or because I'm down, I just don't know what I need to say.

Heres something, nope...

It makes me laugh how I can usually come up with a simple sentence about whatever is on my mind, but the past month or so its been another story. A story which the writer refuses to write...

It seems as though the camp fire has gotten awkwardly quiet. The fire is still going, and its quite hot, the people around it are just overly quiet.


Godspeed <3

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Day 26. A Thousand Years.

Christina Perri -- A thousand years

It's kind of silly to me, this stupid little love song, and all I can think about is the awesome God who created me.
He will love me for a thousand years. And has for OVER a thousand years already.

This is insanity, I thought I was past the stage of denial... Yet it still slips around the corner.

Lord, what you do to me.
Christina Perri-- Distance

"And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" and you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?"
"And I keep waiting
For you to take me
You keep waiting..."
Godspeed <3

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Day 25. Hold on to me.

Things may take time to fix. But with Him all things are possible...

All you need to do is just hold on tight.
 HOLD ON TO ME...








HOLD ON TO ME....



DON'T LET ME LOSE


MY WAY
HOLD ON TO ME
Godspeed <3
Busted Heart (Hold onto me) KING AND COUNTRY

Monday, October 24, 2011

Day 24. Letting Go.

It's so wonderful when God speaks through song. Or when He just speaks in general.

I worry too easily to let anything change. I don't let Him guide me. This makes me laugh because I am so willing to tell people to let God guide you, yet I am so unwilling to let that happen. I need to let go of my hypocritical  ways. I need to let God take the reigns just for a bit.

Godspeed <3
House of Heroes-- So Far Away.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Day 23. Shutting Down.

We all do it in one way or another. We all shut people out.  We all shut out what we don't want to hear or see. Most of the time when we do this, we are shutting out what we really need to hear.
(I'm Sorry this blog is going to go in 5 different directions)
When you're friends with someone for a really long time, you know what they feel, when you talk to them or read something of theirs.
When they've just given up, you can feel their heart break. Mine breaks with them.

When you shut down, that's when you need God most. Don't shut Him out. Give Him your hurt. Fall into Him.

Words that have been said so many times. Words I won't stop saying until it sinks in.

I won't stop trying.

One life, I am willing to keep away from Satan's grasp, as he writes on your forehead.

"Attack her."
"Make her hurt."
"Make her fall away."
"Make her doubt, in her infamous GOD."
"Make her hate."
"Make her remember her past for the worse not the better."

"Let me take that from you. Please." He says. His love so willing to take your pain.

Don't loose that light. Ever.

Loose that light, and we loose.

Godspeed <3
JJ Heller No Fight Left. 

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Day 20. Kryptonite.

Making time can be difficult. It's something I definatly need to work on. Once I start doing that, I could really get some stuff done. I have really been thinking about the retreats in Ann Arbor. There is one in early November...


Does God want me to go?
Why do I have this urge to go?
Well I know why, but why does it have to be so far away? Because of the distance of the retreat, if I really wanted to go I would have to tell my parents about discerning.  My dad found out about a friend of mine who is discerning, I couldn't comprehend the reaction to his facial expression-- This scares me more.  It makes me nervous, because I don't want to disappoint. Funny thing to be scared of but completely true.

Nerves about this issue is a form of doubt. Doubt is my kryptonite. Lucky I make this realization now before anything happens to my relationship with God. Something so subtle can be so powerful.

Kryptonite.... I'm such a nerd.
Godspeed <3

Day 22. Day2. Accountability

I need to be held accountable during these next 33 days. To makes sure I do this, I don't.. I can't fall behind. I want to do this consecration, it's only day 2 and it seems to be hard. Accountability.

I am reading Harry Potter again. The last time I tried to read them I was in 5th grade. I was a weak reader, and just wasn't into it. I regret not sticking with that. So now I try to catch up and read all of them before the 2nd half of the 7th book comes out on dvd. I don't know how successful I'll be.

I don't want to regret missing my opportunity with this consecration, I feel like I need to do it. It's just hard. But no one said it was going to be easy. I never thought it would be. Like yesterday obstacles are just suprising me left and right.

Short and sweet today.

Godspeed <3
Harry Potter 7.2 OPEN AT THE CLOSE-- Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls 

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Day 21. Day 1 of 33. Attacked.

Today was filled with obstacle, after obstacle, waiting for my every move.


A girl, who wants my friendship again after a major fallout.
School.
Babysitting.
So many obstacles in the way of what God wants for me.
It's kind of scary to see a spiritual attack in action. But it was written on my forehead...
"Attack Her."
"Make Her Feel Pain."
"Make Her Doubt."
"Make Her Question The God She Loves So Much."
"Make Her Hurt."
"Make Her Fall Away."
"Make Her Fail."

In response to that I say to Satan. "You will not get that satisfaction. Ever." 

I started today, The Consecration of Jesus through Mary. What a beauty that book is. I got to sit in Adoration for an hour and a half, praying to God. Hoping I'm doing what He wants. Praying for those obstacles, that I wish could be anything but obstacles. Praying for the broken friendship that I wish never broke. I pray that whatever happens from this is Gods will.

Godspeed <3

What love really means-- JJ Heller.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Day 19. I love YOU

I received this from a good friend of mine. She's pretty sweet, awesome, amazing, and other affirmation words...etc. She has been super supportive and has told me to stick with it. Anyways, I came across this in my email inbox today whilst cleaning out nonsense that wasn't needed anymore, and I re-found this. It is beautiful and everyone should read it.. Thanks MJ.
BE SATISFIED WITH ME
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But to a Christian, God says, "No, not until you are satisfied,
Fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me.
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.
Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship,
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united to another
Until you are united with me.
Exclusive of anyone or anything else. Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow me to give you
The most thrilling plan existing . . . one you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best.
Please allow me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that’s all.
Don’t be anxious, don’t worry
Don’t look around at things others have gotten
Or that I have given them
Don’t look around at the things you think you want,
Just keep looking off and away up to me,
Or you’ll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than you could dream of.
You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready,
I am working even at this moment
To have both of you ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me
And the life I’ve prepared for you,
You won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me.
And this is perfect love.
And, dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love.
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me.
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union
Of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
For I am God. Believe it and be satisfied.

Thanks again. Godspeed <3
I love you--Mitchell Davis

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Day 18. This Could Be the Start of Something New.

In religious life, Sisters are consecrated to God through vows of chastity, poverty, and obedience.  We live in community and spend much time in prayer, other community activities, and the apostolate.  We are contemplative apostles. We live a monastic life and bring the fruits of our contemplation where ever our Spouse directs us.  The apostolate in which our community is involved is the Christian education of youth through teaching in grade schools and high schools as well as our program Truth in the Heart.  We remain open to the variety of apostolic experiences which the Lord sends our way to catechize and to expose people to the religious life.  Our community embraces the Dominican life and tradition, while responding to the needs of our time, in particular to the New Evangelization that Bl. John Paul the Great inaugurated.   Our common spirituality is firmly rooted in and centered upon Eucharistic adoration, and we live our lives in imitation of the Mother of God, modeling our 'yes' after hers.  Each sister makes the consecration to Jesus through Mary so that everything is given to our Spouse through her.  Simply put, we live a life totally dedicated to Jesus and for love of him we give him our all through our vows, in the hands of Mary, and in accord with our Dominican tradition.  Our Eucharistic Lord is the center of our lives.  We bring him to others through the witness of our consecration, community life, and in the endeavors of our apostolate."

It's weird to consider that this might actually be the life I will live. But also this could be super cool. It says that they consecrate themselves to Jesus through Mary.... I'm starting that next week. Which shouldn't be so surprising but it is. I am more than nervous, but also very very excited, because this could be the start something amazing. I haven't really thought about this until today. Since I got the email from Ann Arbor I hadn't really been thinking of my vocation to the extreme that I used to. It would pop into my mind for a split second then boom "I'll see ya later." Gone. And that's okay. I think I needed that, I needed to have time away from that thought....

Anyone else starting to think my words sound like in a relationship.... just me... oh good.

But back to what I was saying.  Next week I think my life is going to change drastically.

Am I Ready??
No
Am I excited??
YES!
Godspeed <3

Oh Before I leave the fire, This song I found a while ago... I Got You-- Leona Lewis, Totally baller. It's been said that God is found in every song, sung. ( Not it's not been said I made that up.. But I think it's true!) Here is I Got You by Leona Lewis

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Day 17. Awake, Music, Marytown, Campfire, Update.

Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free.
~Mumford and Sons.

And where you invest your love.
You invest your life.
~Mumford and Sons.

You Were Made To Meet Your Maker.
~Mumford and Sons

It's quite funny how songs speak to me. To us. They teach us about love, hate, sadness, joy, laughter, all of these simple emotions that we could learn on our own.  I let my emotions show through music. Which can be a good and bad thing.

I realize I need to go back to Marytown. I need to be with God daily, and I've missed out.
Keep me accountable fellow camp fire dwellers. If not, I probably won't continue this amazing journey God is leading me.

Before todays camp fire comes to an end I would like to update you. I emailed Dominican Sisters of Mary in Ann Arbor, Michigan. 1. For info about their Convent, and 2. To maybe be able to chat with one of their sisters. If you don't know they were featured on Oprah. Pretty neat. So yes, I feel the fire dwindling to just embers. Have a fanastic day Camp fire dwellers.
Godspeed <3
Mumford and Sons-- Awake My Soul

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Day 16. More like falling in love

This song by Jason Gray is super cool, and EVERYONE should listen to it...
This is an order.

More Like Falling In Love-- Jason Gray

Godspeed <3

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Day 15. Prayer list.

I'm starting a prayer list.

A very recent thing.
I don't know why.
I just felt like it was a good idea.

So If you need praying for. I AM YOUR GIRL!!!

Oh, I'm talking to a local preist on Monday. I'm quite excited to get answers, or more just someone who is willing to accept this point of my life instead of blowing it to the side.

Short and Sweet today.

Godspeed <3
Someone Worth Dying for-- MIKESCHAIR

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Day 14. What if?!

Sometimes I think….

WHAT IF?!

What if it’s all in my head?

What if everything I’m doing right now is nothing?

What if there is no bigger picture?!

What if all this worry I hold over my head, is for nothing?

Then I think…

What if I’m not even doing what God wants?

What if I’m doing what the devil wants?

What if I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to?!

What if God is playing a Goof?

What if I was never supposed to even think about becoming a sister?



What if questions can sometimes consume someone, I know because they still sometimes consume me.

Sometimes I can feel my heart fill with doubt and worry. But I know, it’s all a part of His plan.

I am going to meet with Father Fred next week, he is going to help me with my vocational discernment. I’m quite excited.

Godspeed <3
What if? Nicole Nordeman

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Day 13. Words That Say What I'm Feeling

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa
Mother Teresa speaks the TRUTH!!!!

Godspeed<3
Unashamed Love

Friday, September 23, 2011

Day 12. This Usually Doesn't Happen

Today at 1:30 pm a hawk landed right on my deck, stood there for about a minute, looked me in the face, then flew away.

Most Epic Moment of my day!!!! I really wish I could have gotten a picture of it, because usually that doesn't happen.
It looked like this, but the eyes were yellow. It landed RIGHT THERE!!!



I don't really know what to make of this situation, because THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN!!!! It was super epic, and I needed to write it down.

I mean, a hawk, we marvel over their beauty, and their ability to be so graceful. Their ability to be so gosh darn majestic.

Me, being me. I couldn't help but feel like the "Double Rainbow" guy.

WHAT COULD THIS MEAN?!?!?!
So I looked deeper into hawks and their meaning. Many places on Google said that hawks are messangers...  I'm skeptical... as usual..
But it makes me wonder,

What's the message? What should I be looking for?

Right before the hawk appeared I was listening to "How to Save a Life" by The Fray.

And in the music video it showed words that could help save a life. I saw Love, Have Faith, and Surreneder...

Deep, and totally relatable to my life.

So, God guess what I HEAR YOU!!! agian!!... Give me time.

Godspeed <3
The Fray-- How to Save a Life

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Day 11. Matt Hammitt Changed My Day

Thank you to singer Matt Hammitt for singing this beautiful song.
Matt Hammitt-- All of Me

WOW. How the Lord Works!!!

Today after going to Marytown to pray, I was driving home, just thinking about where I'm called to be, and if I'm able to love Christ the way He loves me.

Then BOOM!!! klove radio lets this song sing through the speakers.

Well, being me, I almost broke down in the car. Because this song is just so beautiful,  and this is what so many people have been telling me to do. I just can't seem to do it quite yet.

This just really made my day. That is all.

Godspeed <3

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Day 10. What's on My Mind?

The past few days I've felt attacked, loved, then attacked again. Not physically attacked, spiritually attacked. It has happened to all of us before...
That moment when you feel so alone.
Or that you're not worth the time of day.
Lies.

This has been a struggle for me...
Specially with my discernment...
Why would God choose me?!
A silly, naive girl being given a choice...
How could she be worthy enough?!
How could God be so silly, to give HER this type of choice??
The insanity...

But someone told me that I was given this choice for a reason.
That God looked past my faults, and saw what I could do because of the faults.
I can't explain it the way those people did because it was God speaking through them.

And though I've heard it so many times thats mostly what stuck with me. Because HE saw past the pain, misfortune, stupidity, naive-ness, and saw LOVE.
Oh man, did He see love.

So, even though you may feel attacked sometimes, you are loved, and HE sees past your faults, your pain, stupidity, and naive-ness.

Godspeed <3
This is a family-- FANNIN ELEVEN Covering Jesus take the wheel by Carrie Underwood.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Day 9. Unfailing Love

His Love is UNFAILING. Godspeed <3

Unfailing Love -- Chris Tomlin

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Day 8. A Little Visit To Marytown

This was written at about 3:30 ish.
Have you ever had your heart beat fast?
Your breathing quickens, and you shake with nervousness and excitement?
Right now I am sitting in Marytown's beautiful adoration chapel.
It's huge.
Mass is held hear every Sunday and Maximilian Kolbe's Shrine is.

I could live here.
There are 15 columns on both sides of the chapel.
11 GIANT mosaic paintings of saints.
If only you could see it.
There is a picture right underneath the altar.
It is in the shape of a rectangular arch.
There is heaven at the top of it, and at the bottom two corners is hell. Flames surrounding pepople in white who are praying, pleading for freedom from the fiery flames.
Where Jesus is kept is surrounded by angels- from my veiw there is about seven angels, but I know there are many more, some visible, some not.
It's 4pm and the bells outside are declaring the time.

I am at peace.
Starting October 19th I plan  on coming here on a daily basis. Because of its peace.
But mostly because that is when I begin the Consecration of Jesus through Mary by St. Louis de Montfort.
He's pretty cool.

I think the Lord knows I need peace today. Because usually during adoration we would... I would be arguing with God. Pestering Him with question after question about my future, and where He wants to take me.
"In time.. In time..."
Patience is going to be a struggle throught out the next few years/ months/ weeks/ days...
But peace, love, and joy of Christ will help me through it.

Godspeed <3
Adoration -- by Matt Maher

Friday, September 16, 2011

Day 7. Sinus Headache and the Loss of a Hubcap.

Today's title is pretty much what happened today.

It has been about 3 days I've had this headache, but it's okay.
I was meaning to take an adventure to Marytown today, but other things got in the way AKA the loss of my front right hubcap.
I guess I lost my hubcap right as I was driving home from picking up my little brother. As I was driving around trying to find it again, I got stuck at a red light, where just a few feet in front of my white mini-van was my lovely hubcap, just chillin' waiting for my return. But, me being a chicken, I couldn't/ wouldn't get out of the car to get it. So, the hubcap stayed in its lonely spot for about 30 more minutes, then my parents left to got to a meeting, grabbed the hubcap and went on their way.
Needless to say The Cloud (My Van) now is fully clothed with its beautiful hubcaps.

I feel like I should make an analogy on how life could be like a car without a hubcap... my brain is too tired.
Godspeed <3
So here is a song
Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) -- Chris Tomlin

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Day 6. St. Teresa of Avila

It's kind of funny that St. Teresa of Avila showed up in my life again.
I found her at the beginning of the summer at camp, and tried to read her auto-biography.
It being camp, I never got around to it.

But I'm glad her stories coming back into my life.
When she was a little girl, she wanted to be near God, she contemplated Martyrdom, she was a kid, and she just wanted to be with God!!
Her mom also died when she was young, and she threw herself at the feet of the Blessed Virgin Mary and asked Her to be her Mother.
Super cool.

She died in 1582, she was 67 years old. She died somewhere in October, either late October 4th, or early October 15th. Her final words are super beautiful...

 "My Lord, it is time to move on. Well then, may your will be done. O my Lord and my Spouse, the hour that I have longed for has come. It is time to meet one another."
~St. Teresa of Avila
Great right?!
I really need to read more on her, because I think she will help me a lot with my discernment.
Well, point of this..
St. Teresa of Avila = Super Awesome

Tenth Avenue North= Super Awesome as well.. Here is their song Empty My Hands. Godspeed <3

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Day 5 Some things I've noticed.

Illinois and Wisconsin have many differences.
1. In Illinois there are reckless drivers, not reckless deer.
2. In Illinois there is fields of corn, not cows.
3. In Wisconsin, it's like you turned back the clock 10 years.
4. In Wisconsin people have some common courtesy, like holding doors, and saying hello, or excuse me.
5. The churches in Wisconsin.. A LOT cooler. no offense Illinois.
6. Wisconsin has a better accent. Minus "Melk, bAgel, and beg (BAG!!).
7. Wisconsin has CAMP GRAY. Illinois does not.
8. Wisconsin has a wanna-be city (Mad-town.) Illinois has Chi-town (legit.)
9. People in Wisconsin HUG! Doesn't matter if you saw the person 2 days ago or 2 years ago. They hug no matter what. Illinois people don't do that.

A Cheer-er Up-er

Godspeed <3

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Day 4. God Lets Me Know.

In the little things He lets me know.
In the big things He lets me know.

Today I found out someone else who is discerning is now praying for me.
Super awesome, Thank you Helena.
He's still there. This is just a dry spot. We all have them. But He loves. SO MUCH.
And it's beautiful.

Short and sweet today... Godspeed <3

How He Loves-- David Crowder Band

Monday, September 12, 2011

Day 3. You Can Have ME

This song is kind of a big deal. It is really self explanatory, but I think today I'm going to do a little analyze-ation of this song
You Can Have Me-- Sidewalk Prophets
If I saw You on the street
And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams
Would I love You enough to let go
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life

This was basicly the beginning of my summer. Instead of street, it was chapel. I still am afraid of this. And I'm still afraid I won't be able to love enough for Christ.
When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

Self Explanatory, I mean today the worlds version of LOVE is so much different than the LOVE Christ had to begin with,
If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering
I will love You enough to let go
Lord, I give you my life
I give you my life

This part I have mixed feelings about. Sure its only a song, but this seems very committed to being real. Which can be scary but also really cool.
When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

Again....
I want to be where You are
I’m running into Your arms
And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart

Now this is where it gets cool. Because this is what I've wanted for a really long time.  "I want to be where you are. I'm running into your arms." Like WOAH! Ever since last year I have just dreamed of being with Jesus, like just chilling with Him.
When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me
When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
My Father, my love
You can have me

This song has been on my mind for a really long time. and I just thought I'd share with you.

Godspeed <3

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Day 2. A Nun with a Guitar.

This shirt right here..
Pretty much explains me at the present moment.
If you didn't know, which most people don't-- but at this present moment God wants me to start considering religious life.
A nun with a guitar. yep. props to John Devine for buying the shirts. They are super cool.
But back to the point, that I really want to make in this blog, part of me wants to become a nun with a guitar. The other part of me wants to get married and have a family. This is my struggle right now.

Now you might be asking yourself, " Self, how is this a struggle?!"
Well I'm glad you asked!!!
It's a struggle because my whole life I've wanted to be a mom. My whole life I've been dreaming of love. My whole life I knew I was going to have a family, and be a teacher, and have a bigillion little kids all around me all the time.

Then BOOM!  Curve ball.
"Become fully mine." He says. "Forever."
The ring on my left hand, at the moment, is Gods.  That itself is a struggle, a constant reminder, which sometimes I may not want.
I've said a few times that I'm engaged to Christ, weird and possibly wrong to say, but for the moment true. I love Christ. So much. 

And im terrified for where-ever He takes me, because I know it's His will.
 Well this is enough for today. I leave you with this song.
Godspeed <3