There is one word that I seem to say a lot to myself.
A word that is what I want. What I want to be. What I want to feel. What I want to live by.
It's such a simple word. Small, only four letters long. Some describe it to be in the shade of red or blue. Some describe it to be a rainbow... others, just white.
I don't describe it as a color or a definition.
It's a feeling. A feeling that comes from the soul. A feeling that in your gut you know is right. A feeling that can be taken away in an instant.
To have this word describe me, would mean that I could finally breathe again. It means that I don't live with binds of self hatred, self doubt, and sadness. I am not controlled by the fear of losing who I am to a disease. I am not influenced by the picket white fence society I am so dreadfully a part of. Where judgements of who you were, what you believe in, where you live, and what your involved in mean nothing. To be this simple word would mean that I could express emotion without fear. Without the anxieties of what affect it could have on someone close to me.
It would be like feeling a fall breeze for the first time, at the top of a hill, the sky filled with clouds- none of which are covering the sun. Arms spread out letting the wind take hold of me. Eyes closed soaking it in. In complete bliss.
I cannot wait to expirience that moment. I will film it and share it with you all.
I'm going to leave you and to dream about the feeling.
Thank you so much for reading, please come back soon.
Dear Friend,
I cannot tell you how much I care about you. I can honestly say you've changed my life, for the better, always for the better. Did you know I love you? Did you know I spend hours just thinking about you? Thinking, praying, laughing at memories, knowing and hoping there will be more memories to come. I cannot thank God enough for our friendship. He created it, brought it into existance. Christ friends, that's what we started out being.
When I first was given the idea of being Christ Friends, I wasn't too fond of it, because I thought it would end quickly, that we wouldn't talk much. Who knew that it was going to turn out like this. You becoming like a sibling to me. Someone I could lose a limb for, give my life for. Sell my soul to the devil to ensure that you'd be okay, at all costs.
Gosh, I really don't know where I'd be without you.
I don't think you know this, but you know more about me than my family does. You know more about me than I probably do. I can honestly say I love you to the moon and back.
I love you to pluto and back.. haha...
We've talked recently and you have sounded so much better. You are so much stronger than you were. You are the strongest person I know. You inspire me every day. Thank you for showing me what strength is. Thank you for being strong and inspiring.
I know you tell me not to worry about you. I do everyday. I worry about your health, I worry about our friendship, I worry about how you are at this current moment.
I can't help it. We've been friends for so long. I just want you to be okay. And I know you want the same for me.
For both of us to be okay.
I will be thinking about you most in the next few days. Hoping that whatever you're doing is helping you. Making you better, happier, safer, healthier.
Keep your strength. Keep your passion...Keep your faith. The faith that started this friendship. Faith keeps this friendship going. I know it. Because without God I don't think this friendship would have lasted as long as it is.
God has made our hearts intertwined. One is lost without the other.
I just want you to know you are loved. By God, by me.
Oh, man. Let me just start out by saying that I am praying for every family that lost someone today in Newton, Connecticut.
What a tragedy.
I think that we've all heard something along the lines of "never take something or someone you love for granted, because one day it will be gone."
How does this relate to the tragedy of today?
These families whose children went to the elementary school lost someone who had a whole life to live. And was never given the chance to live it.
I mean if you think about it some of these kids could have had a bad morning with their parents and left without saying I love you to them. Parents could have already been at work before even watching their kids leave for school. Teachers and staff know the children and fellow staff that were fatalities to this terrible act.
To think what is going through those peoples minds. It's devastating.
To think that could have happened where I live. At the school where my siblings are educated...
My prayers not only go out to the families who lost students and faculty , but also the family of the shooter.
The thing is we don't know why the shooter did what they did.
Of course it wasn't right or lawful.
But to lead someone to do something like this isn't in the norm. We do not know what was happening in the shooters life to make them come to this conclusion.
I want to send up prayers to the shooters family, Lord knows they probably didn't know that this was going to happen. I hope that they are sent peace.
The amount of hatred that was inside this shooters heart is nothing to encourage.
Nor is encouraging mass amounts of people to hate on this person.
Hatred doesn't make anything better. It just fuels the devils works.
God is not hate. God cannot force someone to love. God cannot force someone to not kill. God can only give and accept love.
Do not blame God for this tragedy. Pray for those who where affected by this, that they are granted peace.
Pray that He shows that love, that agape, unconditional love to all of those who were effected
I'm going to ask you a few questions. Feel free to raise your hand if any of them relate to you personally.
If you had a moment in your life when you have ever felt alone, please raise your hand.
If you ever had a time in your life when you lost a friend, please raise your hand.
If you ever had a time in your life when you felt as though you didn't have any friends, please raise your hand.
If you ever had a time in your life when you felt as though you didn't have anyone, please raise your hand.
Thanks for your participation.
The first thing I have to say is that you aren't alone. I am a big advocate of that statement. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I cannot tell you how many times I've written that down somewhere- or on myself- as a reminder that I am not alone.
Bare with me as I try and stay on track and hopefully not go off on tangents.
Let me start at the beginning of my life and how that statement- YOU ARE NOT ALONE- came to mean so much to me.
Well, as most who read this blog on a consistent basis know, my faith and religion, they are a big portion of my life now.
I was born and raised Catholic. I went to weekly mass with my family. I went to Catholic School for my elementary career. I prayed, occasionally... I was pretty much your normal Catholic kid, going through the motions..
It didn't really mean much other than a right of passage into the next grade level, or into the next stage of the Catholic Church. At my age of a young naive girl, I didn't really understand what it meant to have a faith, I just knew what it meant to have a religion.
As the years passed I had moved around and found myself in 6th grade, going to public school. I knew nothing of public school other than what I saw on TV... and it didn't look pretty. School was fine, of course. The kicker was that there were no religion classes.
So I was enrolled in "Youth Ministry", where I met someone I can call my role model. His name is Joe. Joe was the youth ministry coordinator and pretty much ran the ministry with a group of volunteer parents and Maria, who also was a youth ministry coordinator.
Joe is a kind spirited man whose calling is to spread God's love to all youth. It's astounding to me that one man can show so much love and affection to so many young people.
Now this youth ministry thing was something that I was not into when I first went. I was one of those kids who thought that they didn't need it.
I mean I go to mass, I have the sacraments, my family can teach me about God. Why do I need this? Though as the youth ministry nights continued I became more willing and wanted to go. I wanted to learn, I wanted to socialize, I wanted to be a part of this awesome God willing thing.
During the summers in between youth ministry I went to this summer camp. I had heard about it about two days after I had moved and a neighbor friend soon told me about all of the wonders of this place.
This place is probably a place that changed my life drastically. Let me explain a little. This was a Catholic summer camp, with week long sessions. I learned not only about how awesome nature and God's creation is, but also how awesome and loving God is. The staff, I thought they were superheroes, seriously. I had never seen so many college aged kids so in love with their faith and so willing to share. It was awesome.
So, my middle school years went by. I wasn't alone. I was going to all of these amazing faith filled things. Life seemed to be going up. I was beyond excited for what high school was to bring.
The youth ministry program changed in high school... it was more in depth. We still socialized and played games. It was all still fun, we just got to be more mature about our faith.
During this time is when my faith began to change. It wasn't just like I was going through the motions anymore. I felt something more than what I had ever felt before.
In high school youth ministry we had to do 27 hours of service. We could go help at the food pantry/soup kitchen, serve at an old folks home, or volunteer to help out and co-lead in the 6-8 youth ministry.
Boom. I was sold. Helping out with kids who are in the same spot I was 3 short years ago. Heck yes.
So I was brought with open arms onto the youth ministry volunteer team. I was only a freshman in high school, the youngest person there. I was so inspired and willing to share my love for God, the love I had only learned to express a few years earlier.
As my freshman year continued, I felt like I was on the top of the world. Growing in my faith, growing in the school community- for being the quiet kid, and finding out who I am. Pretty neat.
Summer before my sophomore year was probably one of the best summers ever. I was going to Camp, was having DEEP conversations about my faith. I met new friends, made new relationships, and met a boy. A naive 15 year old girl, life was peachy-keen.
Once school started, I met the people who would change my outlook on life drastically. I became a part of the group I would classify as the "outcasts", all of them great people, wonderful people. However, every relationship I had felt one sided.
Let's retrace our steps back to the first questions I asked and this time I will answer them for my 15 year old self, midway through the school year.
Did you feel alone during this portion of your life? Yes, with only my thoughts.
Did you lose a friend? Yes. Unfortunately.
Did you at one point feel like you had no friends? For the second half of the school year, yes.
Did you feel as though you didn't have anyone to turn to? Yes, and no.
These people I seemed to be friends with, I felt didn't really care about me as much as I cared about them. I treasured the friends I had, because I was such a conservative person. They were all I had in a sense. So, in my eyes it seemed as though I was giving so much attention to these people who didn't want to give me any. I felt as though I wasn't able to talk about what I was feeling. So, I felt alone.
Because of this feeling of being alone, I confronted my friends in a manner that was immature. I treasured them so much, I would say one thing then immediately regret it knowing that I would lose them. My words were too harsh because they had been bottled up. Leading to drama, and lost friendships.
Which then spiraled into me feeling excluded from the "group" I was a part of. Making me feel like more of an outcast, and pulling my confidence into the toilet. Which lead to a lot of issues outside of high school.
Though, I felt that I didn't have friends. I was still going to youth ministry and growing in my faith. I was continuing to learn about God's love and His wanting to communicate and be a part of are lives.
So though I felt as though I didn't have anyone physical to turn to, I turned to God. Everyday I asked Him questions.
Why am I alone in this big world?
Why do I have no friends?
Why am I hurting?
Why, Why Why?
I don't remember if God ever gave me answers to those questions. He did however show me love. Unconditional love. Through music, through the Eucharist, through teaching others about Him.
Through everything that was going on in my mind and in the physical world. I was spiritually growing to new heights.
When I talked to God, I didn't feel so alone. When I listened to Christian music I felt so much love.
Moving years forward, friends for me are still rare. My confidence could use a little bit of tuning up.
But I still have God.
God is still my best friend.
Always willing to listen to me yell and scream about how life just isn't fair.
Always able to put some sort of something in sight to show me that I am loved.
Still telling me that I am not alone. He is here.
God taught me that I would never, ever be alone. Because He is always the friend who wants to hear about your day. He is always there willing to listen to you cry. He is always there to give you love, unconditional, never ending, agape love.
I don't know if I've talked about loving myself, ourselves... I need to do that soon.
But I digress,
The concept of love is something I want so incredibly bad.
I want it more than I want a job.
And right now that's a lot.
I've come to the conclusion though,
that I won't get love.
If I cannot accept love..
Or give myself love.
Let's start with the first statement. If I cannot accept love.
What does that mean.
For so long I have written about God's love.
And how it is so important and what not.
I know what God's love feels like.
Have I felt it in the past few months?
no.
Do I know it's there?
yes.
Then why is it so hard for me to feel it?
We've all heard quotes about building walls and having barriers for certain people.
I've found, or have been shown that I have a barrier with people who want to love me.
For God wanting to love me.
Which sucks.
How to fix this...
Once I know I will share it with the world.
I promise.
He looked away from the clip board scarred by scribbles of scientific psychology.
"Tell me," he begins, "What makes life worth living?"
A big question for one person to answer. I blankly stared at him questioning all of his logic, then reluctantly continued with the answer.
I stared at him with a smile, "Well, it's the little things."
Saying nothing else I waited, feeling very proud of my answer.
His eyes never looked down at his scribbles once, "Tell me more."
The three words I hated to hear him say, but I knew I needed to elaborate.
"Well, it's the way the wind moves, speaking softly to those who listen.
"It's the passing smiles people share.
"It's the sunrise after an all nighter.
"It's the blasting music when you drive around with absolutely no where to go.
"It's the ability to look at the clouds and see shapes and creatures.
"It's being able to see the sunset everyday.
"It's the stars. All of them.
"It's the giggles with the family.
"It's the photos of memories past.
"It's the ability to be able to get out of bed everyday.
"I't's being able to see, hear, feel, smell, taste.
"It's being able to feel emotions, both crappy and amazing.
"It's making mistakes.... I don't know.. It's the little things."
He smiles, pushing his glasses up on his nose, then scribbles once more on the pad of doodles.
"Alright, you're free to go." he stated bluntly with a smile. "I will see you next week, have a great day."
And with that I was on my way.
Walkign outside of the building to my car I felt the warm breeze brush against my face, tossing my hair into a frantic mess.
I smiled and said to myself, It's the little things.
I really don't have anything else to say... haha I just love sharing music I enjoy with y'all. I mean. I am feeling so many feelings because of this song, I just can't put it into words... I guess....
.I haven't done this in a while. But Matt Maher, a christian artist. A pretty baller one at that... I just need to do a lyric blog today.
Letting Go-- Matt Maher
I stand in awe of You And everything You've done for me You speak Your words into my life And where You are is where I wanna be I stand before You, Lord Humbled by the love You give away A widow's mite, my will and pride It's all I have to offer anyway
I'm holding onto Your love I'm letting go of myself I'll say so long to everything else I stand in awe of You And everything You've done for me You speak Your words into my life And where You are is where I wanna be I stand before You, Lord Humbled by the love You give away A widow's mite, my will and pride It's all I have to offer anyway
I'm holding onto Your love I'm letting go of myself I'm holding onto Your love I'm letting go of myself I'll say so long to everything else I just wanna be in Your arms I just wanna be in Your armsMoving ever closer to Your heart To Your heart I just wanna be in Your arms I just wanna be in Your armsMoving ever closer to Your heart To Your heart I just wanna be in Your arms I just wanna be in Your arms Moving ever closer to Your heart To Your heart
Music hits me harder than any Bible passage, any speech, ny quote.
God speaks through music, I sing back.
My prayer is through the music and the emotion of the song.
When nothing else seems to work look towards God and ask- What's next? What do you have in store for me? Because I have no clue.
I've said I have trust issues with God and with people, yeah...
When life takes a giant crap on your plans, it seems like you have no other choice than to trust the only one that knows what is going to happen.
He knows that I was going to apply to this awesome mission thing for a semester. Get accepted. Then hear the trip has been canceled. Sure, I get a choice to go on any other mission, that's great-- And way, WAY out of my comfort zone.
So I ask God this.
What do you have in store? Whatever it is, let it be. Lead me. Guide me. I am Yours.
I cannot change what You want for me. So guide me, light my path. Direct me to Your will.
I've been told I have a metophorical wall surrounding me.
I've told myself I have a metophorical wall surrounding me.
I've been told I don't let people in because of these issues.
Yes, I know that.
I was told I don't let God in because of those issues...
I've been lying to myself in that aspect.
I didn't want to believe the only thing, person, being I have turn to for so long... I had been also shutting out...
Does that make sense... bare with me, for a sec.
God, the being I have for so long called the only thing that didn't leave--- the only thing I could trust....
And I have trust issues with Him...? This could be.
This probably is.
Do I want there to be?
Gosh, no. Like I said in an earlier post, I want to grow in a deeper better relationship with God. I want to be a better person in faith, a better catholic.
How do I start this
Bringing down those dang metophorical walls I've had up for so long. getting over those trust issues.
Will this take time?
Of course.
Will I get side tracked?
Probably... I'm not one to stay on task....
I do want to fix my relationship with the one I love.
With the one that loves me.
I sound like a goon..
But I love God. I want to trust in Him completely....
This article if you are to lazy to click and read, talks about the music of the Catholic Church. It starts by talking about an article that Sister Roccasalvo talks about how the music in the Catholic Church needs to change slightly.
It says that this article should not be stated as an attack on the Catholic Church and it's new secular music. The article says that people are offended because "they think that music that makes them feel good is proper for mass."
The writer continues to say that he wants to hit his head on his desk multiple times because of this quote. I agree.
There are two great points:
1) Active participation at the Mass has nothing to do with singing at every possible moment, carrying dishes and banners around the sanctuary, or orchestrating giant liturgical puppet shows. I would direct anyone who doubts this to actually read the documents of Vatican II, and also to note the effect that this mentality has had on the Church over the past 50 years.
(2) The value of proper liturgical music has nothing to do with how you personally feel about it, or what your personal opinions are about music. Just think about what would happen if the only criteria for proper liturgical music were that it peripherally mentions God and/or that it makes you feel fuzzy inside — why, we might start singing songs by John Denver or Elvis or Simon and Garfunkel or the Beatles! What a crazy, screwed-up world that would be, huh?
~Nico Fassino - Guest Column:Why I Hate Bad Church Music.
Seriously, If you didn't read the article go back up to the top, click the link, and read it. It is worth it.
I wish SO BADLY that I could show this to my parish at home.
The music they play at my church is stuff that you could hear on the christian radio station in your local town.
There is an enormous amount of drum, guitar, and there is sometimes a cowbell or tambourine.
It is starting to make me sick... My focus, and I wouldn't doubt others in the congregations focus is not focused on the altar and the mass, instead it's focused on the preformance the rock band is doing.
Don't get me wrong. It is quite beautiful and I can tell that these talent people have put in a lot of time. At the same time, I don't think that Mass is the time to put on a show. I wouldn't mind a little praise and worship after mass is over, or even a day specifically for Praise and Worship during the week. That would be fantastic.
I pray for some guidance. I pray that there will be a revelation for change. I pray for those that aren't informed.
I've decided though I want more than anything to go to a Tenth Avenue North concert I can't, because I would be a blubbering mess.
Just listening to Live versions of TAN (Tenth Avenue North) songs I am tearing up...
If I went I would have to not wear make up-- that wouldn't be pretty...
But let's be serious for a second.
Tenth Avenue North has seriously changed my life..
A lot of people can say that, I know for sure I am not the only one. I just want to give my gratitude to this amazing group of people.
The first song I had heard by this group was By Your Side.
Brilliant. BRILLIANT song.
It is the first time I heard God.
It is the first time I really felt His love for me.
"Because I, I LOVE YOU, I want YOU to know.... That I, I LOVE YOU, I'll NEVER LET YOU GO."
The words I will never forget. The words that made me tear up when I had heard them for the first time. No one in my entire life had ever said that phrase to me. " I will NEVER let you go."
I then heard more songs from their albums, Hold My Heart, Times, Strong Enough To Save, Love Is Here....
All of these songs hit my heart, my soul like a ton of bricks, filling me with Gods love and compassion, for ME. Little old me. The insanity in that all I could do was accept the love and learn how to love back.
Tenth Avenue North made God's love a little more tangible. The unconditional love we can't even begin to fathom became more real to me.
Then I hear You Are More. Hitting me like a lightning bolt.
It's like God is saying "HEY! HEY! LOOK OVER HERE! LISTEN!! I LOVE YOU! NO MATTER WHAT!"
How can a group that makes music, make lyrics so real? How is that even possible?
God is working so hard in this group. He is doing something incredible.
Mike Donehey, the lead singer of the group, is an AH-MAZING speaker.
He does little devotionals on TAN's youtube page.
The way he talks, I feel as though he can relate to seriously anyone.
My mom even. Which is really hard to do.
But this man can speak, giving amazing analogies about the scripture and God.
One of Mike's recent analogies is about God not being an elephant.
We all know elephants have the ability to never forget- He goes to talk about how God has forgiveness and then it's like whatever we did never even happened. All of this said in about 3 minutes.
That's how long most of his videos are. 3-5 minutes of just awesomeness. If he just spoke about God and did some sort of lecture, then put it on iTunes that would be amazing, and I would probably buy it.
Tenth Avenue North's newest album The Struggle had just recently come out a few months ago...
Again, they did an amazing job giving God a voice teens will listen to. Giving each song the ability to relate to people. Amazing...
I cannot thank Tenth Avenue North enough for what they are doing. I cannot thank God enough for giving them the ability to do what they do best.
Continue on gentlemen. The whole world needs to hear Gods love through your music.
Godspeed <3
Mike Donehey (TAN)- Losing Video "God is Not an Elephant"
There are some people who just get it... this writing thing.
I wish I could say I am one of them.
I pray that someday I will be one of them. Who knows maybe this is my practice.
I did get to meet, partially get to know, someone who just gets it.
He has this writing thing in wraps.
Brilliant, amazing, witty peices of work.
If only he had the courage, guts, to put his stuff out there.
I didn't get to know a lot about this anonymous person.
I did however get to know what he didn't like.
And was quite astonished when he allowed me to read some of his works.
The way he talks about things is completely different than the way he rights...
He has passion. He has spunk. He has a LOT of potential.
If I put his writing here he would probably be... well frankly I don't quite know what his reaction would be.. or if he even reads this. Probably not.--- laughing to myself.
I hope he continues to write, he has a serious gift... one that I would steal if I had the chance...
This writing thing is difficult. I hope someday I could just "get it".
As I sit here in this most sacred place. I think deeply.
Looking around at the magnificent beauty.
Silence overcomes this wonderful place.
Silence I so badly need.
I see five Franciscan friars, prayerfully lifting their gaze towards the huge monstrance.
Just praying...
How long? How many times a day do these men pray?
The number would probably astound me.
I cannot help but lift my eyes from my blue journal to marvel at the beauty of the body of Christ.
Its beauty...
How do you do it?
Six Friars now..
How do you love unconditionally? When there are people like me who don't think they deserve your magnificent love??
Of course there is no immediate answer.
I can't help but think this place is a palace... a palace for God...
5:00pm... The people in the front begin a prayer. Unfortunately all I can hear is mumbles, and then the great Glory Be.
Though some people would cringe at the sound of prayers in unison- Chants if you will- I think it is beautiful...
Again the great Glory Be.
Part of me wishes there was a ladder tall enough to reach the top of the sanctuary where the monstrance is kept.
Focus.
The squeaks of an older mans shoes breaks my focus, concentration...
Such beauty here....
The mumbling prayer ends and the people in the front all stand. The sign of the cross is made, and more prayers, chants, are said... and again the great Glory Be.
My focus is drawn to a lady in red. Her hands folded like a young girl on her first communion day. So reverent.
Though I could not see her face, and nor did I know her personally... Her soul seemed beautiful. So filled with God...
She was like a statue. Other than her hands flipping the pages of her book. She doesn't sway, or move her head, or fiddle her fingers. She is in deep prayer... She is with God.
She exits the front with such grase and moves back to her pew. She's like a princess...
The congregation exits the church, including all six Friars..
And I am left to marvel at the beauty of this holy place....
Hello. I am glad you are reading this. I am more than glad you are somewhere you are happy. I think that where you are compared to where you were is night and day. I mean really, think back to how things were.
Crazy right?
There was so much chaos compared to your now. Surely now has a new type of chaos, but a chaos that you enjoy to have with you.
I am glad that you're life is going as planned. That isn't why I am here today....
I am here to say thanks.
Thanks for not giving up.
Thanks for praying. Thanks for finding what you needed and what you wanted and that they were the same thing.
Thanks for dealing with all the rants and raves and struggles.
Thanks for being okay.
Thanks for never giving up on anything you love.
Thanks for being totally awesome.
Thanks for being loud.
Thanks for the different hair styles... no matter how much we hated them.
Thanks for just being you... even when the world decided other wise.
I hope you're still writing.
I hope you have found God's will for you... I know that was a big one.
I love looking back and reading old things that I have written.
What I love better is looking back and seeing what people have helped me write.
This was written in a one hour time frame.
It was done by a former staffer and myself.
And I cannot help laugh each time I read it because it is so dang awesome...
When you read this go line by line...
Don't look ahead, just enjoy each word that is in front of you.
The Un-edibles
Pain,
Suffering,
Illness.
The ground
crowded,
Filled with
vegetables.
Unable to
move from the grasps of the destroyer.
Their
voices are silent.
Their
lifeline dwindling.
Their only
savior doesn’t know what to do.
Asking
question after question
Trying to
find an answer to the disease killing those she worked so hard for.
She tries
so hard to keep them alive,
Only to
pull them from their warm homes.
She is
their life.
She is
their death.
She is
Maria.
Now think about this... What if this wasn't about a disease, an illness, a plague destroying a country or a hospital or whatever you thought.. what if it was a garden... and "Maria" was a garden with a mold infestation in her garden..... what then??? Would this story have a completely different outlook to it..
There are moments like this when I wish my head and stomach would cooperate with me and just let me be... not feeling like I'm going to puke every three minutes...
Well yes, so it is 5 minutes to midnight and I had realized that I hadn't written anything today... WOOT
So here I am all migraned up looking at a computer screen--smart-- writing to you lovely peoplel...
Seriously though, you people are awesome... but let's get back on track here...
I have nothing interesting to say because that would take to much brain power and if you've ever had a migrane you know that doing that would make your brain almost explode.... so I'm going to show you a video about the year of faith done by the Diocese of Madison, WI. It's pretty neat...
FUN FACT!! The church they are filming in is the church I would like to get married in!
This being day 10 I decided that there should be a list in here.
So here is my list.
Ten Reasons I choose to live life. 1. I am put here for a reason. 2. I am supposed to make an impact on someones life. I don't know who it is I am to impact, but I hope I do the job justice. 3. To prove to those who wish me unwell that I am worth more than that. 4. To write, sing, paint, do photography.. to share my creativity. 5. To make my family proud. 6. To find love. 7. To find what makes me happy in life, in a job, in my head. 8. To love God, all of His creation, everyone and everything. 9. To teach God's word. 10. Because I am a fighter.
The Fighter --- Paradise Fears cover of Gym Class Heros
This was actually written over 2 years ago. Suprisingly most of what is said here I still firmly believe the word "Home" is. Enjoy.
Godspeed <3
My Home
Home, to me home isn’t a place you live, it isn’t where you sleep, eat, or
play. Home is much more than that. Home is where a soul dwells. It is where I
am able to be myself, where I am able to be free, no strings or questions
attached.
Where does a soul dwell? A soul dwells in a safe, reliable place. Somewhere
it can call its own. Where it is able to run free, live, without fear. The soul
dwells where love is found. Where hope is a number one contender in the game of
life, where happiness has no boundaries. Where the soul dwells, is somewhere
filled with peace and excitement all at once. Where there is no care in the
world except for the moment at hand. That is where a soul dwells.
Now where am I able to be myself? I am able to be myself in a place 131
miles away, in the little town of Reedsburg, Wisconsin. My home is a long
gravel road leading into a different world. It is filled with laughter, love,
and joy. My home is running through the athletic field screaming at the top of
my lungs read for the best game of our lives. Around the ringing of laughter,
faces filled with “war paint” from ashes. My home is filled with the dim
hallways of night, while children dream of Christians fighting the tough battle
from the Romans. Leaders filling the hearts of children with hope, while
singing the sweetest lullabies.
Where I am able to be myself is sitting around a fold up table, drinking
warm hot chocolate, conversing about the highs and lows of my day. Chatting
about where God was today, and the cute children we worked with.
The place I call home is a place like no other. Where I am able to sleep
around the ones I love in the old chapel, where I am able to eat sundae crunch
bars while singing songs or playing ninja. My home is sitting in the Chapel, listening
to the enchanting sounds of the care free world around me.
My home is the dark gray asphalt, where the light “ping” of a basketball
hits the back board as a child reaches his dreams in a game of lightning. Where
the sound of laughter and joy ring out daily. My home is the seventy-five
degree weather, partly cloudy, with the sun peeking out of a cloud, the ray
landing right on my face warming me to the core.
My home is not just a simple camp ground. My home is not a place of the
past. My home is not a crutch, for when you need a “happy moment”. My home is
holy ground. It is so much more than the land. It is so much more than the
people. It is so much more than all of that. My home is a place to learn about
myself, and the world around me. My home shows me that I am strong in all I do.
This is what every home should do. Help whoever’s soul that dwells there, to
find itself, and make it the person that they will be for the rest of their
lives. That is what a home is.
Life...
Seems a lot simpler in writing than it actually is..
The same with writing, once the writing is finished it seems like it was so simple to write.
Like the words just flew from the pen and landed softly on the pages, like snow..
What people don't see are the pauses between each line.
Trying to find the exact words to fit perfectly with each phrase.
The shaky hands holding the pen,
The erased lines that never made it into the master piece.
The torn out pages that were too wrong in the writers mind.
Sometimes I wish life could have erasers, or the power to "rip out pages"
Then become fixed by the writer of life.
That the sentenecs that didn't make sense when you say them could be back tracked and re-written.
Like having a sharpie that erases.
Then it wouldn't be a sharpie right?
It would have the label of a "sharpie"
But that's not what it is...
Sure life that could back track or be re-written like the first draft of a piece would be great.
Life isn't like that though..
We can't just re-write the mistakes,
The embarassments,
Outbursts,
The tears...
All the things we wish we could change, or re-write.
That's not how God intended life to be...
He gave us different opportunties to start over.
To start a new page,
A new chapter, if you will...
But He doesn't want to erase or throw away our past.
He wants us to learn from it.
To make the master peice perfect.
The published work of art, worth every drop sweat, blood, and tear.
I mean, I am always one to worry and freak out and analyze over every little detail.
At the moment I am getting no feeling of worry or fear...
Gee.... Weird. Seriously... weird.
Anyways, whatever I'm doing, I know I will be doing it because I love it. I will be doing it because it is something I want to do for the rest of my life.
The only hope I have is that I will be doing what God wants of me.
I keep looking out for those feathers..
Those signs, that I am where I am supposed to be.
That if I take this path, it won't lead to distruction....
Damnation.
Wow.. this has taken a turn for the worst hasn't it.
I just want to do something that I can put my whole heart into.
And love every minute of it...
Godspeed <3
Home-Paradise Fears
Sure. I posted this once before. This seems more fitting.
Ok, right now it is 10:06pm, the presidential debate had just recently ended...
Guess who didn't watch it me...
I spent my time laughing at all the Twitter and Facebook statuses being posted about said debate.
What I got out of it--
Obama got his butt kicked during this debate
Something with PBS and Seasme Street.
People hating Romney.
People saying that random people should be president, people who have nothing to do with politics.....
And lastly what I had learned from reading Tweets and Statuses, is that everyone is going to have an opinoin.. I believe that we should just go insane.
I just made myself laugh...
But seriously, this is what I'm thinking.
Let's make leaves currency...
Yes, leaves from trees.
Crazy? Maybe.
Funny? Definately.
Think about it, leaves can always grow back. Trees can always be replanted. I mean we don't need to use paper anymore because we have the internet, so why cut down trees?
Again think about this. The more trees you have on your property the more your property is worth.
If you live in a tree house you're frickin rich.
Well, let me begin by saying hello again Blog.
Very nice to see you.
I cannot even tell you how many things I have written but haven't published.
Now let me explain what is going on here.
You may be asking yourself--
"Self, what is with the title? Day ONE of THIRTY TWO?"
What does that mean?
Well, guess what! I AM HERE TO TELL YOU!!
All the way until November 2, 2012, I, Michelle, will be writing a blog post.
Holy smokes, that's a big commitment.
You're telling me.... I can barely finish this post.
But seriously I have recently talked to someone about a goal for the rest of the year..
I have a goal to try and find different medias to get my thoughts out.
To talk...
To prove something to myself.. That I can stick to something.
So this month I will be blogging.
And hopefully it will continue past this month.
Next month something different.
The month after Something different.
Who knows!!
But yes, for the next 31 days I will be writing, about life, creative writing, etc.
because I want to. So if you would like to stick around I would be more than exicted.
