Trust.
Trust, trust, trust....
What a GAINT word for five little letters.
I mean think about it.
To trust someone is to rely on them.
To rely on their;
Strength,
Integrity,
Ability,
Surety,
To be able to be confident in a person with all of your heart.
Trust has always been hard on me.
It's scary for me to put trust in another person, I'm so used to being let down....
(I've learned not to trust people because of group projects in high school...jokes jokes)
Putting my trust in someone means I need to let go of control and let it be.
Let me just say, that's terrifying.
150% terrifying to let go of control.
I wouldn't say I'm a control freak, but I am one of those people that likes to know what's going on and what is happening and knowing fully that it will not change.... (not a way to live.)
Another thing that is scary to me is communication.
To communicate and share feelings with another person.
Not fun for someone who isn't very good at sharing feelings in general.
It's something I have to re-learn. How to vent fully again.
Or how to express my feelings and not shut down because they are "stupid" feelings.
They aren't stupid feelings. They are feelings that I have and need to share, but don't know how to do that yet.
I'm so afraid that if I say the wrong word it will ruin a friendship or ruin the conversation and someone will get mad or hurt or won't talk to me again.
It's scary.
Trust and communication are things I need to work on in life..
If I don't I know it can lead to a life of loneliness and sadness.
Have patience with me and continue to communicate your feelings with me if I am doing this to you.
Because I don't want to ruin a perfectly good relationship because I don't know exactly how to do something yet.
Thanks for reading.
Godspeed <3
Monday, September 9, 2013
Thursday, September 5, 2013
All of my feels tonight. Written like those Spoken Word poets.
Where are you when I need you most?
When I'm lying alone,
When I'm crying alone,
When I am alone and want nothing more than your hands wrapped around me telling me I am not ALONE.
The thing with this disease is that my pride takes over.
I'll push you away until I know you don't want to stay.
Because I feel the need to be alone.
Because I feel claustrophobic.
Because my damn pride can't handle the fact that I deserve love.
I deserve someone to hold me when I can't hold myself up,
When my limbs feel too heavy to take one more step.
When I'm lying alone,
When I'm crying alone,
When I am alone and want nothing more than your hands wrapped around me telling me I am not ALONE.
The thing with this disease is that my pride takes over.
I'll push you away until I know you don't want to stay.
Because I feel the need to be alone.
Because I feel claustrophobic.
Because my damn pride can't handle the fact that I deserve love.
I deserve someone to hold me when I can't hold myself up,
When my limbs feel too heavy to take one more step.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Where is the Checkered Flag?
Her head seemed to be spinning in circles with how fast she was thinking.
Her mind in a constant cycle of telling herself what she's thinking isn't true and beginning to believe it.
Her thoughts raced and rolled over hills, massive hills of worry and confusion.
Stumbling over repressed memories of past hurts and hardships
Tripping face first over the fact that there were no absolute truth to her thoughts.
Her heart sped like it was in first place in the race of a lifetime.
Her hands shook like she hadn't eaten in days.
Her eyes quickly dart around the room like she's guilty of something.
She prays for the race in her head to stop.
Where's the black and white checkered flag when you need it?
She knew there would be no medal at the end of this race.
There is no charity or sponsorship for this race.
There is no one is becoming aware from it, no cure, no money raised.
She screams internally at her self.
Her mind only sees it as a cheer squad encouraging her to continue the race.
Where's the damn checkered flag when you need it?
Her mind in a constant cycle of telling herself what she's thinking isn't true and beginning to believe it.
Her thoughts raced and rolled over hills, massive hills of worry and confusion.
Stumbling over repressed memories of past hurts and hardships
Tripping face first over the fact that there were no absolute truth to her thoughts.
Her heart sped like it was in first place in the race of a lifetime.
Her hands shook like she hadn't eaten in days.
Her eyes quickly dart around the room like she's guilty of something.
She prays for the race in her head to stop.
Where's the black and white checkered flag when you need it?
She knew there would be no medal at the end of this race.
There is no charity or sponsorship for this race.
There is no one is becoming aware from it, no cure, no money raised.
She screams internally at her self.
Her mind only sees it as a cheer squad encouraging her to continue the race.
Where's the damn checkered flag when you need it?
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Fight Fire With Fire, We All Get Burned...
Fight fire with fire all you do is get burned.
That's what we all learned as children.
No matter how far across a line someone may be.
No matter how many times someone does something.
You fight them with the same tactics they use,
or bigger tactics,
All that happens is more pain.
More burns.
More injury,
Mental and physical.
It seems as though in today's society that's all we know how to do.
Fight "fire" with bigger "fire".
There are some people that will continue to protest
And tell those fighting fire with fire that this isn't the way it needs to be done.
There will be others that will support only one side of the story.
There will be accusers.
There will be people who will put the blame on someone that doesn't deserve the blame.
There will be people that will agree that fighting fire with bigger fire will be the best thing for everyone.
There will be people who will continue to say the same thing we were all taught as children.
Fight fire with fire all you do is get burned.
Fight chemical weaponry with drones and missiles.....
It will only create more destruction....
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
You are Free
"My head hurts." She said leaning closer, placing her elbows on her knees.
Her expression changed slightly.
Eyebrows scrunched together.
Eyes staring downward.
Mouth pinched up.
Her thinking face.
She looked at me after a few seconds, breaking her trance temporarily.
"I worry to much." she laughed.
"That's why my head hurts."
"It always hurts when I worry."
She laughed at herself quickly before her eyebrows scrunch again.
She could only look me in the eye for a second before feeling too vulnerable.
"Why is it that some people think too much?" she asked not looking at me.
"Why is that?" she asked again.
"I mean I worry more than anyone I know." she said softly looking me directly in the eye.
She looked down.
"And you, you seem like you are careless and-"
It seemed as though the words got caught in her throat.
I looked at her with concern.
She smiled and shook her head.
"I'm jealous of you." She whispered.
"You are unbothered and I am so worrisome."
"I," she puts her hand directly on her heart, "I'm so confined."
"Like a caged up zoo animal."
"I am jealous of you because you seem so liberated."
She bore her eyes into mine.
Her voice became hushed.
At the same time filled with immense amounts of emotion.
"I am jealous of you because you are free."
Her expression changed slightly.
Eyebrows scrunched together.
Eyes staring downward.
Mouth pinched up.
Her thinking face.
She looked at me after a few seconds, breaking her trance temporarily.
"I worry to much." she laughed.
"That's why my head hurts."
"It always hurts when I worry."
She laughed at herself quickly before her eyebrows scrunch again.
She could only look me in the eye for a second before feeling too vulnerable.
"Why is it that some people think too much?" she asked not looking at me.
"Why is that?" she asked again.
"I mean I worry more than anyone I know." she said softly looking me directly in the eye.
She looked down.
"And you, you seem like you are careless and-"
It seemed as though the words got caught in her throat.
I looked at her with concern.
She smiled and shook her head.
"I'm jealous of you." She whispered.
"You are unbothered and I am so worrisome."
"I," she puts her hand directly on her heart, "I'm so confined."
"Like a caged up zoo animal."
"I am jealous of you because you seem so liberated."
She bore her eyes into mine.
Her voice became hushed.
At the same time filled with immense amounts of emotion.
"I am jealous of you because you are free."
Monday, August 19, 2013
I Remember...
I remember days upon days where I couldn't look in the mirror because what I saw in the reflection was something I couldn't stand.
I remember days upon days looking in the mirror forever telling the thing in the reflection hateful things because it was something I couldn't stand.
I remember spending days in a sweatshirt and pants that didn't fit because I didn't feel like I deserved to feel beautiful.
I remember weeks where I would write myself letters, telling myself how unwanted I was because of all the things I've ruined.
I remember not wanting to go to high school dances and school events because I didn't think I deserved to enjoy anything.
I remember settling for community college because I thought I couldn't handle a real college experience.
I remember feeling completely out of control.
I remember hating myself more than anything.
I remember wanting nothing more than to watch myself crash and burn because I thought I didn't deserve any sort of happiness.
I remember almost hitting that line you're not supposed to cross.
I remember screaming telling everyone I just didn't care about myself.
I remember scaring my parents.
I remember scaring my sister.
I remember telling myself this isn't okay.
I remember asking God why I was like this.
I remember asking God why I couldn't love myself.
I remember waking up the next morning and wanting to apologize but couldn't.
I remember telling my mom I needed help.
I remember hugging.
I remember questioning my decision.
I remember continuing to hate myself.
I remember her telling me it will take time for that feeling to go away.
I remember her telling me I was worth something.
I remember her telling me I was made with love.
I remember her telling me, almost in tears, that I was loved.
I remember her telling me that what I've gone through was terrible.
I remember feeling like someone actually understood.
I remember actually, for the first time, being able to talk about it.
I remember beginning to love myself.
I remember relapsing.
I remember hating myself again.
I remember her telling me it happens.
I remember crying.
I remember tissues.
I remember her saying one day you won't relapse.
I remember her telling me God loves me.
I remember her telling me someone will come along and show me love I never experienced.
I remember her saying it's okay to cry.
I remember feeling stuck.
I remember wanting something new.
I remember chopping off my hair.
I remember buying brown boots.
I remember buying a DSLR camera.
I remember buying, and buying, and buying.
I remember singing.
I remember writing a lot.
I remember deleting great works of writing.
I remember a year has past from it all.
I remember being happy to be alive.
I remember being thankful.
I remember saying God has something bigger for me.
I remember saying God will give me something worth loving fully.
I remember surviving.
I remember putting myself back out there.
I remember awkward dinners.
I remember two different hands around me.
I remember buying black boots.
I remember being hurt.
I remember hurting someone else.
I remember typing back and forth until the other fell asleep.
I remember feeling scared.
I remember feeling nervous.
I remember a final pair of hands wrapped around me.
I remember feeling alive.
I remember finally living.
I remember the days that were still filled with self hatred.
I remember her saying your battle isn't over yet.
I remember the words you're not alone.
I remember relapsing.
I remember his words I love you.
I remember getting through this.
I remember living.
I remember days upon days looking in the mirror forever telling the thing in the reflection hateful things because it was something I couldn't stand.
I remember spending days in a sweatshirt and pants that didn't fit because I didn't feel like I deserved to feel beautiful.
I remember weeks where I would write myself letters, telling myself how unwanted I was because of all the things I've ruined.
I remember not wanting to go to high school dances and school events because I didn't think I deserved to enjoy anything.
I remember settling for community college because I thought I couldn't handle a real college experience.
I remember feeling completely out of control.
I remember hating myself more than anything.
I remember wanting nothing more than to watch myself crash and burn because I thought I didn't deserve any sort of happiness.
I remember almost hitting that line you're not supposed to cross.
I remember screaming telling everyone I just didn't care about myself.
I remember scaring my parents.
I remember scaring my sister.
I remember telling myself this isn't okay.
I remember asking God why I was like this.
I remember asking God why I couldn't love myself.
I remember waking up the next morning and wanting to apologize but couldn't.
I remember telling my mom I needed help.
I remember hugging.
I remember questioning my decision.
I remember continuing to hate myself.
I remember her telling me it will take time for that feeling to go away.
I remember her telling me I was worth something.
I remember her telling me I was made with love.
I remember her telling me, almost in tears, that I was loved.
I remember her telling me that what I've gone through was terrible.
I remember feeling like someone actually understood.
I remember actually, for the first time, being able to talk about it.
I remember beginning to love myself.
I remember relapsing.
I remember hating myself again.
I remember her telling me it happens.
I remember crying.
I remember tissues.
I remember her saying one day you won't relapse.
I remember her telling me God loves me.
I remember her telling me someone will come along and show me love I never experienced.
I remember her saying it's okay to cry.
I remember feeling stuck.
I remember wanting something new.
I remember chopping off my hair.
I remember buying brown boots.
I remember buying a DSLR camera.
I remember buying, and buying, and buying.
I remember singing.
I remember writing a lot.
I remember deleting great works of writing.
I remember a year has past from it all.
I remember being happy to be alive.
I remember being thankful.
I remember saying God has something bigger for me.
I remember saying God will give me something worth loving fully.
I remember surviving.
I remember putting myself back out there.
I remember awkward dinners.
I remember two different hands around me.
I remember buying black boots.
I remember being hurt.
I remember hurting someone else.
I remember typing back and forth until the other fell asleep.
I remember feeling scared.
I remember feeling nervous.
I remember a final pair of hands wrapped around me.
I remember feeling alive.
I remember finally living.
I remember the days that were still filled with self hatred.
I remember her saying your battle isn't over yet.
I remember the words you're not alone.
I remember relapsing.
I remember his words I love you.
I remember getting through this.
I remember living.
The Rescue- Tyler Ward
You are Loved- Josh Groban
Hope Will Lead Us On- BarlowGirl
I Found My Way Back Again- Nevertheless
Thursday, August 8, 2013
My Filing System
I have filing cabinets.
Upon filing cabinets.
Upon filing cabinets.
Upon filing cabinets.
Filing cabinets filled to the brim with memories.
Experiences.
My life history.
Filing cabinets filled with things I don't want to remember.
Things I do want to remember.
Things I beg myself to forget.
These filing cabinets have held every single moment in my whole life.
These filing cabinets are like the giant pink elephant in the room.
They always just sit there.
Massive.
Papers flying down from the highest one.
There are days when a file from one specific filing cabinet explodes.
Letting itself be known to me again.
Making me read and remember about the memory it held.
Most of the time these filing cabinets have locks on them.
Padlocks.
Wrapped in barbed wiring.
Wrapped in iron chains.
These filing cabinets if seen from far away,
Looks as though they're holding a monster.
To me they kind of are...
To me my memories are my monster.
My memories hold my secrets.
My mistakes.
My misunderstandings.
It's like these filing cabinets are a security blanket.
A ghostly security blanket,
Haunting me.
Stalking me.
Waiting until the locks had rusted off
Ready to explode.
I have filing cabinets.
Filing cabinets that hold every single moment of my life.
I have filing cabinets that sit with me like a giant pink elephant.
They always just sit there.
Upon filing cabinets.
Upon filing cabinets.
Upon filing cabinets.
Filing cabinets filled to the brim with memories.
Experiences.
My life history.
Filing cabinets filled with things I don't want to remember.
Things I do want to remember.
Things I beg myself to forget.
These filing cabinets have held every single moment in my whole life.
These filing cabinets are like the giant pink elephant in the room.
They always just sit there.
Massive.
Papers flying down from the highest one.
There are days when a file from one specific filing cabinet explodes.
Letting itself be known to me again.
Making me read and remember about the memory it held.
Most of the time these filing cabinets have locks on them.
Padlocks.
Wrapped in barbed wiring.
Wrapped in iron chains.
These filing cabinets if seen from far away,
Looks as though they're holding a monster.
To me they kind of are...
To me my memories are my monster.
My memories hold my secrets.
My mistakes.
My misunderstandings.
It's like these filing cabinets are a security blanket.
A ghostly security blanket,
Haunting me.
Stalking me.
Waiting until the locks had rusted off
Ready to explode.
I have filing cabinets.
Filing cabinets that hold every single moment of my life.
I have filing cabinets that sit with me like a giant pink elephant.
They always just sit there.
Friday, August 2, 2013
When I am Distant
When I am distant it's not because I don't want you around.
It's not because I don't like you.
Or because I think you're weird.
When I am distant it is not because I do not care about you.
It's not because I want you to go away.
Or because I want to be alone.
When I am distant it's because I am afraid.
It's because I am afraid it's all just words.
I am afraid of what I may lose.
When I am distant it's because I am terrified.
Terrified of these things I don't understand.
Terrified everything is a lie.
When I am distant know it's not your fault.
Know that I am not doing this to hurt you.
Know that it's not my intention.
When I am distant understand I am scared.
I am scared of opening up my heart.
Scared of letting my walls down.
When I am distant and begin to ask questions that hurt,
I apologize.
I ask questions because I want to know your intentions.
I want to know where you really stand.
When I am distant it's not because I don't love you.
It's not because I don't care.
It's not because I want to hurt you.
When I am distant it is because I am scared, terrified. and afraid.
It's not because I don't like you.
Or because I think you're weird.
When I am distant it is not because I do not care about you.
It's not because I want you to go away.
Or because I want to be alone.
When I am distant it's because I am afraid.
It's because I am afraid it's all just words.
I am afraid of what I may lose.
When I am distant it's because I am terrified.
Terrified of these things I don't understand.
Terrified everything is a lie.
When I am distant know it's not your fault.
Know that I am not doing this to hurt you.
Know that it's not my intention.
When I am distant understand I am scared.
I am scared of opening up my heart.
Scared of letting my walls down.
When I am distant and begin to ask questions that hurt,
I apologize.
I ask questions because I want to know your intentions.
I want to know where you really stand.
When I am distant it's not because I don't love you.
It's not because I don't care.
It's not because I want to hurt you.
When I am distant it is because I am scared, terrified. and afraid.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Trust in Me, Trust in Him.
"My child, why do you push away the precious gift I have given to you?" My Savior's voice was filled with confusion and slight disappointment. "Why are you afraid of something you've wanted for so long?"
My mind spun in circles trying to comprehend exactly why I was pushing away this gift I've begged for, prayed for, pleaded for...
My voice was no louder than a whisper, " I don't know, Father... I just... I'm scared, confused, this isn't what I'm used to... I have so many "What if" questions running through my head. Lord, I am so scared."
His laugh bellowed through the field. It was not a laugh that made me feel humiliated or scared of a response. It was a laugh of understanding.
"My Child, I gave you this precious gift because you both were ready. Yes, My child, you both were ready to meet and to take the steps in the direction I want you to be in. I do not put these milestones in your life because I think it will be amusing. I do it because I know you are ready for them.That they will lead you to where I want you to be. I will never give you anything you will not be able to handle. You are stronger than you think."
I thought for a minute, letting His words sink in. "How can I not push him away? How can I stop being so afraid? How can I get past that? How can I move away from my insecurities?"
His bright smile stayed. "I want you to Trust in Me and in him. Trust in what he shows you, My child. Trust that I have given you the precious gift of love because you are strong enough, wise enough to understand it. Trust that his actions will show you his love. Trust in Me and trust in him, my child. Trust that this is a part of my plan for you."
"I made you in my image. You are a beautiful daughter of mine. In my eyes your insecurities meaningless. In my eyes you are just how I made you to be. In my eyes you are perfect."
I let His words sink deep into my soul and nodded, understanding what He was saying.
"Now go, spread my love, show it to everyone you meet. Share my love with the gift I gave you. Share my love with those who think they least deserve it."
With that I left the field where my Savior stood, going back into reality.
At the outskirts of the field stood the man with hazel blue eyes. Waiting patiently, legs shoulder width apart, arms crossed, guard-like, strong. He turned just as I exited the field, shining a smile in my direction. He reached out his hand towards mine. As I grasped his hand he pulled me into an embrace, holding me tightly for a quick second. Then taking my hand as we walked away.
As I walked quietly next to him with a modest smile I let my Savior's words engrave themselves into my mind.
My mind spun in circles trying to comprehend exactly why I was pushing away this gift I've begged for, prayed for, pleaded for...
My voice was no louder than a whisper, " I don't know, Father... I just... I'm scared, confused, this isn't what I'm used to... I have so many "What if" questions running through my head. Lord, I am so scared."
His laugh bellowed through the field. It was not a laugh that made me feel humiliated or scared of a response. It was a laugh of understanding.
"My Child, I gave you this precious gift because you both were ready. Yes, My child, you both were ready to meet and to take the steps in the direction I want you to be in. I do not put these milestones in your life because I think it will be amusing. I do it because I know you are ready for them.That they will lead you to where I want you to be. I will never give you anything you will not be able to handle. You are stronger than you think."
I thought for a minute, letting His words sink in. "How can I not push him away? How can I stop being so afraid? How can I get past that? How can I move away from my insecurities?"
His bright smile stayed. "I want you to Trust in Me and in him. Trust in what he shows you, My child. Trust that I have given you the precious gift of love because you are strong enough, wise enough to understand it. Trust that his actions will show you his love. Trust in Me and trust in him, my child. Trust that this is a part of my plan for you."
"I made you in my image. You are a beautiful daughter of mine. In my eyes your insecurities meaningless. In my eyes you are just how I made you to be. In my eyes you are perfect."
I let His words sink deep into my soul and nodded, understanding what He was saying.
"Now go, spread my love, show it to everyone you meet. Share my love with the gift I gave you. Share my love with those who think they least deserve it."
With that I left the field where my Savior stood, going back into reality.
At the outskirts of the field stood the man with hazel blue eyes. Waiting patiently, legs shoulder width apart, arms crossed, guard-like, strong. He turned just as I exited the field, shining a smile in my direction. He reached out his hand towards mine. As I grasped his hand he pulled me into an embrace, holding me tightly for a quick second. Then taking my hand as we walked away.
As I walked quietly next to him with a modest smile I let my Savior's words engrave themselves into my mind.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Need.
I need you like a guitar needs strings.
I need you like a book needs pages.
I need you like a poet needs words.
I need you like bees need pollen.
I need you like babies need a mother.
I need you like plants need water.
I need you like a car needs gas.
I need you like the beach needs waves.
I need you like trees need leaves.
I need you like birds need worms.
I need you like a closet needs stuff.
I need you like feet need shoes.
I need you like a light needs electricity.
I need you like a fire needs kindling.
I need you like the stars need a sky.
I need you like summer needs heat.
I need you like a reporter needs news.
I need you like a teenager needs an internet connection.
I need you...
I need you like a book needs pages.
I need you like a poet needs words.
I need you like bees need pollen.
I need you like babies need a mother.
I need you like plants need water.
I need you like a car needs gas.
I need you like the beach needs waves.
I need you like trees need leaves.
I need you like birds need worms.
I need you like a closet needs stuff.
I need you like feet need shoes.
I need you like a light needs electricity.
I need you like a fire needs kindling.
I need you like the stars need a sky.
I need you like summer needs heat.
I need you like a reporter needs news.
I need you like a teenager needs an internet connection.
I need you...
I Need You- Tim McGraw and Faith Hill
I believe in God.
I believe in God.
I believe in God like some people believe in love, or a cure for a disease, or in the air we breathe.
I don't know, I believe that God whole-heartedly, 150,000,000,000% wants the best for me and the ones I love.
I believe that God is there with me in every step, every breath, every mistake, every tear in my life.
I believe that God would have a mouthful to say to me when I meet Him.
Like a loving parent would to a child they haven't seen in a while.
I believe that I receive affection from God at least 10 times a day.
With the way the sun shines through the clouds.
When it rains.
When there is really cool clouds outside that look kind of creepy but totally awesome and I am able to take a picture of it. ( yes, that was a rambled sentence.)
I believe that God is real, not because I feel like I need something to believe in... But because I feel like without knowing the type of love and compassion God has shown and given to me, I wouldn't be 1. Alive
2. The person I am today.
God, no matter how far I fall away from Him, or how "in my head" I can get, God will always, ALWAYS be there.
How absolutely crazy is that? That this being. This almighty, all powerful being, who could literally decide not to give me the time of day because He's got other stuff to do, loves ME?!
UNCONDITIONALLY?!
NO MATTER WHAT I DO?!
WHAAAAAA?!
How absolutely, positively, bonkers crazy.
My mind will never, ever in a billion years be able to fathom God's love and compassion for me.
I may sound crazy, or silly, or whatever you want to call me. But just think about it, there is a Man, who has the world and so much more, but wants to love YOU!
You!
Whole-heartedly!
Unconditionally!
I don't think I can say that enough.
There is a God who loves you and me. Who wants nothing more than to just have a conversation with you. To just hear you say hello to Him.
That's it, just a simple hello.
I believe in God like some people believe in love, or a cure for a disease, or in the air we breathe.
I don't know, I believe that God whole-heartedly, 150,000,000,000% wants the best for me and the ones I love.
I believe that God is there with me in every step, every breath, every mistake, every tear in my life.
I believe that God would have a mouthful to say to me when I meet Him.
Like a loving parent would to a child they haven't seen in a while.
I believe that I receive affection from God at least 10 times a day.
With the way the sun shines through the clouds.
When it rains.
When there is really cool clouds outside that look kind of creepy but totally awesome and I am able to take a picture of it. ( yes, that was a rambled sentence.)
I believe that God is real, not because I feel like I need something to believe in... But because I feel like without knowing the type of love and compassion God has shown and given to me, I wouldn't be 1. Alive
2. The person I am today.
God, no matter how far I fall away from Him, or how "in my head" I can get, God will always, ALWAYS be there.
How absolutely crazy is that? That this being. This almighty, all powerful being, who could literally decide not to give me the time of day because He's got other stuff to do, loves ME?!
UNCONDITIONALLY?!
NO MATTER WHAT I DO?!
WHAAAAAA?!
How absolutely, positively, bonkers crazy.
My mind will never, ever in a billion years be able to fathom God's love and compassion for me.
I may sound crazy, or silly, or whatever you want to call me. But just think about it, there is a Man, who has the world and so much more, but wants to love YOU!
You!
Whole-heartedly!
Unconditionally!
I don't think I can say that enough.
There is a God who loves you and me. Who wants nothing more than to just have a conversation with you. To just hear you say hello to Him.
That's it, just a simple hello.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Things I Want in Life 2
- To be surprised
- To receive flowers, just because
- To go to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
- To sing
- To help someone in need
- To impact a life
- See the Pope
- To teach.
- To teach about God.
- To spend a day in bed watching movies and cuddling with someone I love.
- Wear dresses-- all the time.
- To feel comfortable in my own skin.
- Have my father walk me down the isle.
- To publish something officially.
- Travel to all 50 states.
- To be loved unconditionally.
- To love unconditionally.
- To go to World Youth Day
- To go to Steubenville Conference.
- To go to a murder-mystery party.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Things I Want in Life...
- Love
- Hope
- Happiness
- A family
- Children (2-3 to be exact)
- A relationship with God
- A healthy relationship with myself
- A healthy relationship with my family
- To know what the heck I'm doing with my life
- To see love when it's given
- To understand that I am loveable
- To know that love is subtle
- To know that love is vibrant
- Give all of my love
- To travel
- Be with someone I love forever.
- To be healthy
- To get married
- To retire
- To have a job I adore
- To love life
- To be living and not just surviving
- Joy
- To enjoy Holidays with my very own family
- To have traditions
- To feel loved and not have to worry about it
- To feel confident in myself
- To feel confident in my decisions
- To love myself completely
- To make an impact.
Games.
Something I think is crazy is when my mind plays games with me.
I love games. All kinds of games.
Card games,
Board games,
Outdoor games,
Computer games,
So on and so forth.
I do not like mind games.
Especially mind games I play on myself.
Mind games telling me that I am not worth it.
That I am not lovable.
That I will be left.
That stuff, nope, I don't like it.
When I get those thoughts coming into my brain.
It's hard not believing them.
Not because they are believable, but because they aren't from someone elses mouth.
I love games. All kinds of games.
Card games,
Board games,
Outdoor games,
Computer games,
So on and so forth.
I do not like mind games.
Especially mind games I play on myself.
Mind games telling me that I am not worth it.
That I am not lovable.
That I will be left.
That stuff, nope, I don't like it.
When I get those thoughts coming into my brain.
It's hard not believing them.
Not because they are believable, but because they aren't from someone elses mouth.
And, I don't know, the fact that it comes from me makes it more real.
I know that the negative thoughts that my brain is telling me are ones that are false and for nose beyond false.
It is just how my brain works.
I hope there are other people out there in the world that are dealing with this too. Because I don't want you to feel crazy. Or alone in this. You are not alone in this.
Thanks..
Friday, July 19, 2013
Her Melt Downs
She had melt downs. Many many melt downs. Where she would feel out of control. Where she would let the anger take control. Where she would forget who she was and be a monster. She would be the demon deep inside of her. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being.
Her melt downs or freak outs would consist of her yelling, throwing, swearing, slamming, scaring, glaring. Her eyes would turn crazy. Open wide, with a look of sheer hatred. Eyes that would scare the strongest of men. Eyes that were not her own, but those of the demon deep insider her. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being.
Her freak outs would only last a short amount of time. Some lasted five minutes. Some lasted 25 minutes. Some lasted 10 minutes. They ranged. It all depended on how long she had held in her anger. The anger that was not her own. The anger of the demon deep inside her. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being.
Once her melt downs were finished. Once everyone was now afraid of her. She would hide. Locked behind the door of her bathroom. Behind that locked door she hid, staring at the demon deep inside her. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being.
After her melt downs, locked in the bathroom, hiding, and staring, she would tell herself lies. How much she was hated. How much she was unloved. How she didn't deserve love from everyone. How she was an abomination. How she was a monster. How she was better off alone. How it was safer for everyone if she was alone. How she will never be free. How she will never be better. How she will live with this forever. These lies were not her own. They were from the demon deep inside her. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being.
There would be times after her melt downs, locked in the bathroom, deep in the mix of lies, where she would find a release by writing hatred and lies on her skin. The hatred and lies were always written in a sequence of twos or threes. The ink flowed a deep red, leaving her feeling empty, released from the hatred, the anger, the lies. Those of which were not her own, but those of the demon deep inside her. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being.
Once it was all over- the melt downs, being locked in the bathroom, filling herself with lies, writing hatred and lies on her skin, she would be better. Not happy, but better. She wouldn't feel so much hatred. She couldn't hear the lies that swirled quickly around her head, locking away deep inside for a rainy day. She would build. Build with intangible bricks. Stacking them one foot away from her. building the unseen wall three bricks thick. Building up higher than her arms could reach. Her intangible brick square tower was built. Blocking all emotion or feeling, both in and out. Keeping her safe from all the angers of the world. Keeping the demon deep inside of her safe. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being... safe...
Her melt downs or freak outs would consist of her yelling, throwing, swearing, slamming, scaring, glaring. Her eyes would turn crazy. Open wide, with a look of sheer hatred. Eyes that would scare the strongest of men. Eyes that were not her own, but those of the demon deep insider her. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being.
Her freak outs would only last a short amount of time. Some lasted five minutes. Some lasted 25 minutes. Some lasted 10 minutes. They ranged. It all depended on how long she had held in her anger. The anger that was not her own. The anger of the demon deep inside her. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being.
Once her melt downs were finished. Once everyone was now afraid of her. She would hide. Locked behind the door of her bathroom. Behind that locked door she hid, staring at the demon deep inside her. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being.
After her melt downs, locked in the bathroom, hiding, and staring, she would tell herself lies. How much she was hated. How much she was unloved. How she didn't deserve love from everyone. How she was an abomination. How she was a monster. How she was better off alone. How it was safer for everyone if she was alone. How she will never be free. How she will never be better. How she will live with this forever. These lies were not her own. They were from the demon deep inside her. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being.
There would be times after her melt downs, locked in the bathroom, deep in the mix of lies, where she would find a release by writing hatred and lies on her skin. The hatred and lies were always written in a sequence of twos or threes. The ink flowed a deep red, leaving her feeling empty, released from the hatred, the anger, the lies. Those of which were not her own, but those of the demon deep inside her. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being.
Once it was all over- the melt downs, being locked in the bathroom, filling herself with lies, writing hatred and lies on her skin, she would be better. Not happy, but better. She wouldn't feel so much hatred. She couldn't hear the lies that swirled quickly around her head, locking away deep inside for a rainy day. She would build. Build with intangible bricks. Stacking them one foot away from her. building the unseen wall three bricks thick. Building up higher than her arms could reach. Her intangible brick square tower was built. Blocking all emotion or feeling, both in and out. Keeping her safe from all the angers of the world. Keeping the demon deep inside of her safe. The demon she hated with every fiber of her being... safe...
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Prove Me Wrong
If I stopped talking to you today abruptly, no explanation, no warning signs, nothing, what would you do?
Would you try to figure out what happened?
Would you try every possible way to get a hold of me?
Would you fight to try and get me back?
Answer "no" to one of these, any of them: I'm not your one.
Still think I am?
Prove it...
Show me I am.
Show me this relationship will never be a one-way-street.
Show me you don't want to be a "normal" part of my life.
Show me you care.
Show me you want me.
Show me I am more than just some girl to you.
Show me I am different to you.
Prove me wrong.
Open up to me.
Put your trust in me.
Do something different with me.
Surprise me.
Show me I'm worth some sort of fight.
Treat me like each time you see me may be your last.
Prove me wrong.
I'll try to do the same to you.
I will try to show you I want you to be it for me.
Prove me wrong...
Friday, July 12, 2013
What I want you to say to me.
I'm not going anywhere.
I am here for you.
I love you.
This will not scare me away.
Confide in me.
I am not going to leave because of your disease.
I care about you.
How can I help you?
Let me be there for you.
Open up to me.
You are still beautiful.
You are worth my time.
You will not go through this alone.
You are not alone.
We will get through this episode together.
I am here for you.
I love you.
This will not scare me away.
Confide in me.
I am not going to leave because of your disease.
I care about you.
How can I help you?
Let me be there for you.
Open up to me.
You are still beautiful.
You are worth my time.
You will not go through this alone.
You are not alone.
We will get through this episode together.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Uncontrollable
It's been quite a long time since I've felt like this...
Uncontrollable.
I'm in the beginning of my episode.
I am scared.
I am lost.
I am hurting.
I hate this disease more than anything in the world.
I wish my brain was normal.
I wish I was normal.
I feel so incredibly uncontrollable.
I need to stop feeling like this.
I need to fix myself.
I need to do something because I am going to have a freak out soon.
And that is never good.
I need to stop feeling uncontrollable.
I need to take control of the situation.
Breathe...
Breathe...
Breathe.
Uncontrollable.
I'm in the beginning of my episode.
I am scared.
I am lost.
I am hurting.
I hate this disease more than anything in the world.
I wish my brain was normal.
I wish I was normal.
I feel so incredibly uncontrollable.
I need to stop feeling like this.
I need to fix myself.
I need to do something because I am going to have a freak out soon.
And that is never good.
I need to stop feeling uncontrollable.
I need to take control of the situation.
Breathe...
Breathe...
Breathe.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Tired and Worn
It's funny how I can tell when I am getting into one of my cycles.
I get tired. Tired of the world... tired of working... tired of trying.
I start to just not give a single care for anything.
Which is never good.
My mind starts playing tricks on me.
Making me believe I'm just not worth anything.
I am just tired.
I'm tired of being a parent to my younger siblings.
I'm tired of having to wait around to see what exactly is going on in my house to figure out my schedule.
I'm tired of not being able to have some sort of freedom that spreads farther than a few miles.
I'm tired of being told the same thing over and over.
I'm tired of the constant disappointment that I face, and that I cause
I've become worn.
I can feel those walls I so gracefully tried to take down begin to form again.
I've become tired and worn...
I hope this cycle passes quickly.
I am trying with all of my might not to be at the grips of this disease.
I will fight harder than anyone has fought over this disease.
I will not let it control me.
I get tired. Tired of the world... tired of working... tired of trying.
I start to just not give a single care for anything.
Which is never good.
My mind starts playing tricks on me.
Making me believe I'm just not worth anything.
I am just tired.
I'm tired of being a parent to my younger siblings.
I'm tired of having to wait around to see what exactly is going on in my house to figure out my schedule.
I'm tired of not being able to have some sort of freedom that spreads farther than a few miles.
I'm tired of being told the same thing over and over.
I'm tired of the constant disappointment that I face, and that I cause
I've become worn.
I can feel those walls I so gracefully tried to take down begin to form again.
I've become tired and worn...
I hope this cycle passes quickly.
I am trying with all of my might not to be at the grips of this disease.
I will fight harder than anyone has fought over this disease.
I will not let it control me.
Worn - Tenth Avenue North
Hope Will Lead Us On- BarlowGirl
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Equal Protection
I could slowly feel the shadow reach around us.
Clawing to break the surface of something it will never experience.
His arms wrapped around me tightly.
Shielding me from the terrible shadow.
I felt safe, peaceful, at rest.
But I knew better.
I knew he was experiencing everything that was meant for me.
Ever emotion.
The emptiness.
The guilt.
The sadness.
The invisible scars and bruises.
Slowly tearing him apart from the inside out.
I knew what I had to do.
I moved his strong arms from around me.
Letting the shadow engulf me once more.
I felt it even if it was just fora second.
The hatred,
The pain.
I felt the scars from once more.
It was quick and easy.
He moved towards me trying to protect.
The black shadow striking him,
Quickly, leaving marks.
I moved towards him with a swiftness I had never used before.
My arms flew around him at the same time his went around me.
The protection had finally become equal.
Sure, the shadow will always be a broken embrace away...
Sure, I will not always be there to keep the protection equal.
I will do anything and everything in my power to keep my guardian safe from that disgusting shadow that ruins souls.
Clawing to break the surface of something it will never experience.
His arms wrapped around me tightly.
Shielding me from the terrible shadow.
I felt safe, peaceful, at rest.
But I knew better.
I knew he was experiencing everything that was meant for me.
Ever emotion.
The emptiness.
The guilt.
The sadness.
The invisible scars and bruises.
Slowly tearing him apart from the inside out.
I knew what I had to do.
I moved his strong arms from around me.
Letting the shadow engulf me once more.
I felt it even if it was just fora second.
The hatred,
The pain.
I felt the scars from once more.
It was quick and easy.
He moved towards me trying to protect.
The black shadow striking him,
Quickly, leaving marks.
I moved towards him with a swiftness I had never used before.
My arms flew around him at the same time his went around me.
The protection had finally become equal.
Sure, the shadow will always be a broken embrace away...
Sure, I will not always be there to keep the protection equal.
I will do anything and everything in my power to keep my guardian safe from that disgusting shadow that ruins souls.
I Got U- Leona Lewis
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Uncharted Territory
I've found that the sadness that I had felt before is now a rarity.
The emptiness has become surprisingly full.
Honestly, I can say this change is undoubtedly terrifying.
The change in my responsiveness to life is something I am not used to.
Quite eerie actually.
Like at the drop of a hat everything could be turned back around.
The full feeling I have now can quickly become empty once more.
I am not sure if I would be phased by it.
There was something comforting about the emptiness.
It was the high probability of never getting hurt.
I was safe from the feelings that leave people too quickly.
I was sheltered from those feelings that leave abruptly.
I am venturing into uncharted territory.
I am excited about that.
It is a much needed adjustment in my purposely sheltered life.
I am incredibly anxious charting into these new waters of emotions.
I am apprehensive to the new waters.
I want to hastily drift far, far away from these new feelings and go back to the emptiness.
As ill-minded as that is,
It is what I know.
It is all that I know.
So, as I venture deep into these new uncharted terrain,
I will always hear the far off sounds of emptiness,
Craving my return...
The emptiness has become surprisingly full.
Honestly, I can say this change is undoubtedly terrifying.
The change in my responsiveness to life is something I am not used to.
Quite eerie actually.
Like at the drop of a hat everything could be turned back around.
The full feeling I have now can quickly become empty once more.
I am not sure if I would be phased by it.
There was something comforting about the emptiness.
It was the high probability of never getting hurt.
I was safe from the feelings that leave people too quickly.
I was sheltered from those feelings that leave abruptly.
I am venturing into uncharted territory.
I am excited about that.
It is a much needed adjustment in my purposely sheltered life.
I am incredibly anxious charting into these new waters of emotions.
I am apprehensive to the new waters.
I want to hastily drift far, far away from these new feelings and go back to the emptiness.
As ill-minded as that is,
It is what I know.
It is all that I know.
So, as I venture deep into these new uncharted terrain,
I will always hear the far off sounds of emptiness,
Craving my return...
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Where to start...
My mind is a jumble of chaos.
I don't really know how to even say words right now.
It's a glorious feeling.
The sarcasm should be spewing out as you read that last line.
Okay.... Where to start...
Where to start... Where to start.
Let's start with me unable to have a safe place to speak about my crap. Whatever is on my mind.
I haven't been able to schedule a time to do that. To just speak.
Let my mouth do that word vomit thing.
Whenever I do get the time set something gets in the way.
I know doing the whole word vomit thing is a need for someone like me.
But life is putting other priorities in my way.
Priorities that will help me, I know.
But, still....
Okay, next topic.
Forgiveness. That stuff is hard. Forgiveness. To forgive takes a lot of strength. A lot of will. Forgiveness is something that I have trouble with . I think the hardest thing in life is to forgive. Because you can't just forget. This isn't like "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind"... It takes a lot of will power to forget something you've forgiven. Maybe that means you haven't fully forgiven. I'm working on it. This whole forgive and forget thing....
Okay...
That cleared out a little bit of my chaos jumbled mess of a mind.
I might write later.
Maybe next time it will be more my style and not me rambling.
Thank you for reading.
Godspeed <3
I don't really know how to even say words right now.
It's a glorious feeling.
The sarcasm should be spewing out as you read that last line.
Okay.... Where to start...
Where to start... Where to start.
Let's start with me unable to have a safe place to speak about my crap. Whatever is on my mind.
I haven't been able to schedule a time to do that. To just speak.
Let my mouth do that word vomit thing.
Whenever I do get the time set something gets in the way.
I know doing the whole word vomit thing is a need for someone like me.
But life is putting other priorities in my way.
Priorities that will help me, I know.
But, still....
Okay, next topic.
Forgiveness. That stuff is hard. Forgiveness. To forgive takes a lot of strength. A lot of will. Forgiveness is something that I have trouble with . I think the hardest thing in life is to forgive. Because you can't just forget. This isn't like "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind"... It takes a lot of will power to forget something you've forgiven. Maybe that means you haven't fully forgiven. I'm working on it. This whole forgive and forget thing....
Okay...
That cleared out a little bit of my chaos jumbled mess of a mind.
I might write later.
Maybe next time it will be more my style and not me rambling.
Thank you for reading.
Godspeed <3
Paradise Fears- Battle Scars
Thursday, June 27, 2013
This feeling again.
I can feel my walls going up again.
That constant fear that I will be left alone again.
Feeling alone again.
Distant from everything I know.
Now that I have something worth losing this is becoming a terrifying experience.
The fear of losing something you hold near and dear to you.
Excuse me while I go calm down.
That constant fear that I will be left alone again.
Feeling alone again.
Distant from everything I know.
Now that I have something worth losing this is becoming a terrifying experience.
The fear of losing something you hold near and dear to you.
Excuse me while I go calm down.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Losing Faith
I sometimes have these moments when I lose faith in myself.
Where I feel like I'm going to lose everything close to me.
It's absolutely terrifying.
I can feel my heart beat faster when I start to get this way.
My face turns to near stone- expressionless.
My hands get all jumpy like I've had too much coffee or something...
This feeling usually happens when I am stuck in my mind.
When I am frustrated.
When I can't seem to control anything going on in my life.
It seems to be happening more and more lately.
But I'm the type of person who won't show it.
Which sucks more, because it makes me isolated.
I know, I do this to myself.
I make myself this way and it sucks.
A lot.
It's something that I'm working on.
Something that I know I want to fix.
It's just always easier said than done.
I am hoping I can fix it.
This part of myself.
Become more confident in myself.
Tell myself that I will not lose everything.
And even though I think it's silly and stupid, it's not.
It's just something I need to overcome.
If you ever have moments like this know this,
You are not alone.
I am here with you.
Where I feel like I'm going to lose everything close to me.
It's absolutely terrifying.
I can feel my heart beat faster when I start to get this way.
My face turns to near stone- expressionless.
My hands get all jumpy like I've had too much coffee or something...
This feeling usually happens when I am stuck in my mind.
When I am frustrated.
When I can't seem to control anything going on in my life.
It seems to be happening more and more lately.
But I'm the type of person who won't show it.
Which sucks more, because it makes me isolated.
I know, I do this to myself.
I make myself this way and it sucks.
A lot.
It's something that I'm working on.
Something that I know I want to fix.
It's just always easier said than done.
I am hoping I can fix it.
This part of myself.
Become more confident in myself.
Tell myself that I will not lose everything.
And even though I think it's silly and stupid, it's not.
It's just something I need to overcome.
If you ever have moments like this know this,
You are not alone.
I am here with you.
Beauty from Pain-Superchick
Friday, June 21, 2013
LIVING
Alive.
We are Alive.
We seem to take this sentence for granted.
I take this sentence for granted.
I think there is a difference from being alive and living.
ALIVE adj: To have life; living; existing; not dead or lifeless.
LIVING adj: in actual existence or use; active or thriving; vigorous.
A giant difference.
I have had many a thought about those two words.
Alive and Living.
For the longest time and still today, when I know that I am finally living and not just existing I would like to get a tattoo that says LIVING.
Like I said, I have taken the word Alive for granted. I don't just want to be existing. I don't want to be something that is not lifeless. I am growing to understand that more and more. Through my anxieties and fears about life I have been afraid to go out and LIVE. I have been afraid to step out of my comfort zone and do something crazy and different. Or just something I wouldn't normally do.
It's funny because I can feel my soul wanting nothing to break free from my anxieties and my comfort zone. I am learning that I need to set my soul free. I need to do things, I need to be social. I need to jump out of that comfort zone with force and LIVE.
I need to learn to sing louder.
I need to learn to dance like... like I don't care what others think.
I need to learn that I will be wrong and that is something I shouldn't be afraid of.
I need to learn that where I am now is NOT where I will be forever. That I will be able to break free and be with those that I love and that love me without question or resistance from others.
I need to learn that it's more than okay to be crazy and different. It will never be a bad thing to be different.
I need to learn that LIVING is not just something that you do everyday. It is not breathing. It is not waking up in the morning and going with the flow of life.
LIVING is waking up with a purpose.
LIVING is going through every day like it is your last.
LIVING is doing something new everyday.
I want to not just be alive but be LIVING.
Godspeed <3
We are Alive.
We seem to take this sentence for granted.
I take this sentence for granted.
I think there is a difference from being alive and living.
ALIVE adj: To have life; living; existing; not dead or lifeless.
LIVING adj: in actual existence or use; active or thriving; vigorous.
burning or glowing, as a coal.
flowing freely, as water.
A giant difference.
I have had many a thought about those two words.
Alive and Living.
For the longest time and still today, when I know that I am finally living and not just existing I would like to get a tattoo that says LIVING.
Like I said, I have taken the word Alive for granted. I don't just want to be existing. I don't want to be something that is not lifeless. I am growing to understand that more and more. Through my anxieties and fears about life I have been afraid to go out and LIVE. I have been afraid to step out of my comfort zone and do something crazy and different. Or just something I wouldn't normally do.
It's funny because I can feel my soul wanting nothing to break free from my anxieties and my comfort zone. I am learning that I need to set my soul free. I need to do things, I need to be social. I need to jump out of that comfort zone with force and LIVE.
I need to learn to sing louder.
I need to learn to dance like... like I don't care what others think.
I need to learn that I will be wrong and that is something I shouldn't be afraid of.
I need to learn that where I am now is NOT where I will be forever. That I will be able to break free and be with those that I love and that love me without question or resistance from others.
I need to learn that it's more than okay to be crazy and different. It will never be a bad thing to be different.
I need to learn that LIVING is not just something that you do everyday. It is not breathing. It is not waking up in the morning and going with the flow of life.
LIVING is waking up with a purpose.
LIVING is going through every day like it is your last.
LIVING is doing something new everyday.
I want to not just be alive but be LIVING.
Godspeed <3
What Are You Waiting For- Paradise Fears.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
My Father.
I want you to think about the movies you've seen in your life time.
In most movies people see there is always a spot in said movie that extracts an emotion from you. Something that hits you dead in the chest, makes your mouth fly open, gets you teary eyed, gets you bawling, etc. There is always a moment like that in movies- good movies anyways.
It has been a while since I had a moment like that when watching a movie. Where I got hit dead in the chest by the actors emotion, or a line, or a certain scene; it will make me remember that specific moment for days.
I've found that most of the scenes that do this to me are scenes with a father figure or losing someone very important to the main characters life.
No, I don't have Daddy issues. No, I personally have never lost someone incredibly important to me by death. However each time scenes with someone dying, especially a father figure, I'm gone. The movie will officially bring me to tears and I will be lost in its emotions.
I recently saw a movie where a father figure dies and it has gotten me thinking about my own relationship with my father and how I would feel if my father was taken away from my life instantaneously.
I have to say, like most it would be incredibly hard to deal with. My father, though he doesn't think so, is a major influence on my life. His approval and love is something I will constantly strive for. My father is someone whose opinion matters to me more than anything in the world.
The sky could be falling, the world could be ending, the zombie apocalypse could be in full swing and the person I would look to would be my father.
I get a new dress for a dance or a fancy occasion, the first person I ask to see if I look okay is my father.
The moment I cannot wait for beyond any other is the day I get married; not because of the fact that I will be getting married, but because it will be the day my father will be walking me down the isle in a dress he approves of. The day I will be having my awaited Father/Daughter dance at the reception of my wedding. I look forward to those moments more than any other moments in my life.
Without my father, I would not be the person I am today. He has helped form me into the strong adult woman I am. He has helped me realize how strong I really am. How smart I really am. How incredibly loved I really am.
Though there are moments where my dad and I don't see eye to eye, I will never, NEVER in a million, billion, infinity years hate him. I could never hate the man who made me raise my standards for all other men. I could never hate the man who showed me what it was like to be strong and courageous. I could never hate the man who showed me what it was like to be Catholic.
Though he doesn't believe it, I could never hate my dad.
I love you Dad.
Thanks for reading.
Godspeed <3
In most movies people see there is always a spot in said movie that extracts an emotion from you. Something that hits you dead in the chest, makes your mouth fly open, gets you teary eyed, gets you bawling, etc. There is always a moment like that in movies- good movies anyways.
It has been a while since I had a moment like that when watching a movie. Where I got hit dead in the chest by the actors emotion, or a line, or a certain scene; it will make me remember that specific moment for days.
I've found that most of the scenes that do this to me are scenes with a father figure or losing someone very important to the main characters life.
No, I don't have Daddy issues. No, I personally have never lost someone incredibly important to me by death. However each time scenes with someone dying, especially a father figure, I'm gone. The movie will officially bring me to tears and I will be lost in its emotions.
I recently saw a movie where a father figure dies and it has gotten me thinking about my own relationship with my father and how I would feel if my father was taken away from my life instantaneously.
I have to say, like most it would be incredibly hard to deal with. My father, though he doesn't think so, is a major influence on my life. His approval and love is something I will constantly strive for. My father is someone whose opinion matters to me more than anything in the world.
The sky could be falling, the world could be ending, the zombie apocalypse could be in full swing and the person I would look to would be my father.
I get a new dress for a dance or a fancy occasion, the first person I ask to see if I look okay is my father.
The moment I cannot wait for beyond any other is the day I get married; not because of the fact that I will be getting married, but because it will be the day my father will be walking me down the isle in a dress he approves of. The day I will be having my awaited Father/Daughter dance at the reception of my wedding. I look forward to those moments more than any other moments in my life.
Without my father, I would not be the person I am today. He has helped form me into the strong adult woman I am. He has helped me realize how strong I really am. How smart I really am. How incredibly loved I really am.
Though there are moments where my dad and I don't see eye to eye, I will never, NEVER in a million, billion, infinity years hate him. I could never hate the man who made me raise my standards for all other men. I could never hate the man who showed me what it was like to be strong and courageous. I could never hate the man who showed me what it was like to be Catholic.
Though he doesn't believe it, I could never hate my dad.
I love you Dad.
Thanks for reading.
Godspeed <3
Cinderella- Steven Curtis Chapman
Friday, June 14, 2013
Hello friend,
I feel like I haven't talked to you in longer than forever. Because that's totally a thing.... But really it's been a long time.
I have come to the conclusion that I need you more than you need me. It's obvious now, actually. You, my dear, are probably changing lives right before your eyes. I know for sure your changing mine. Even if we haven't spoken in what feels like months.
There is a lot that has changed about me since we've last talked. No, I haven't moved out. No, I didn't break up with my boyfriend. No, I didn't get admitted to the hospital. None of that.
I wish that I could tell you. Because, ya know... I need you. I need your wit, your giggles, your "I'm still alive" speeches. I need your "Michelle take a chill pill" talks. I need your giggles. Your smiles. I needed your words even if they are 300 miles away.
I know that you probably won't read this. And if you do... Hi... How are you?
How are you and your man?
How is camp?
How was your ride to camp?
Please tell me all about your life. I want to know how you're doing and feeling.
You know, you still inspire me everyday. You still are a motivator for me not to go back into my slumps and hide forever. Your story/journey has impacted my life. More than you know.
I hope we can talk soon.
With love,
Me
Thursday, June 13, 2013
The Abuser
Her words,
Like grenades,
Flaming arrows,
Daggers...
Hitting you one by one.
Her voice,
Boisterous,
Loud,
Intrusive,
Something impossible to ignore.
Her hands,
Claws,
Ready to cut deep into your skin.
Leaving scars,
Reminding you that she is still here,
Mighty and powerful.
Her arm,
Swinging faster than a baseball player who is about to hit a grand slam.
Her eyes,
Filled with fire,
With the will to make you burst into flame without warning.
She can do no good with her hands...
Her abuse reigns farther than any good she could ever do...
Her manipulations can seize a crowd.
She will feed on your pain...
She will feed on your sadness...
She will be finished when you feel as small as she is...
Like grenades,
Flaming arrows,
Daggers...
Hitting you one by one.
Her voice,
Boisterous,
Loud,
Intrusive,
Something impossible to ignore.
Her hands,
Claws,
Ready to cut deep into your skin.
Leaving scars,
Reminding you that she is still here,
Mighty and powerful.
Her arm,
Swinging faster than a baseball player who is about to hit a grand slam.
Her eyes,
Filled with fire,
With the will to make you burst into flame without warning.
She can do no good with her hands...
Her abuse reigns farther than any good she could ever do...
Her manipulations can seize a crowd.
She will feed on your pain...
She will feed on your sadness...
She will be finished when you feel as small as she is...
Monday, June 10, 2013
Spiritual Warfare
Let me just say something. There is this thing called spiritual warfare. For some it happens in their sleep. Some don't even know it's happening.
Let me explain what spiritual warfare is...
From Relevant Magazine it says that spiritual warfare:
I have dealt with spiritual warfare in the past, read back on previous blog posts, it's written everywhere.
I was recently talking to someone about my situation and she became very serious and just said it.
"You know this is an attack, right?"
I did... I had been thinking about it for a few days. I didn't want to admit it, that I was being attacked.
When I say attacked, I don't mean guns, grenades, knives, or any sort of physical weaponry. It is all emotional, spiritual. The weapons are words and misfortunes. Disappointing looks, and discouraging sighs.
The weapons are three AM and I am still not asleep thinking about everything wrong. The weapons are tempters. Things from the past, sharp, straight to the point.
They pack a punch, these weapons. More than any gun, sword, or bomb could. They hit you exactly where it hurts. Never missing their mark. Ever.
Now my spiritual warfare may make me sound like a complete nut case. I've written about this enemy many times. he is venom in my mouth, in my soul. he is near to the epitome of evil. he's been around for years and years. Because he knows I am meant to do marvelous, magnificent things. Things that will change the world. Things that will impact many.
This being knows I know that it exists... it knows that I know how it works.
he won't get far in his diabolical plan to destroy.
Thanks for reading.
Let me explain what spiritual warfare is...
From Relevant Magazine it says that spiritual warfare:
Ephesians 6:12, Paul writes: “For our struggle is not against flesh and
blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the
powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in
the heavenly realms.”
The bad news is that if you are a follower of God, you have an enemy who is invisible.
Not only is this enemy invisible, this enemy is evil. If you have an
enemy who is not only invisible but evil, you are not going to be able
to placate this enemy. You can't make concessions to this enemy, you
can't negotiate, you cannot bargain, you cannot argue this enemy with
logic. He's irretrievably and irrevocably evil. He's invisible, he's
evil and he's on the attack.
(If you'd like to read more please visit Relevant Magazine)
I was recently talking to someone about my situation and she became very serious and just said it.
"You know this is an attack, right?"
I did... I had been thinking about it for a few days. I didn't want to admit it, that I was being attacked.
When I say attacked, I don't mean guns, grenades, knives, or any sort of physical weaponry. It is all emotional, spiritual. The weapons are words and misfortunes. Disappointing looks, and discouraging sighs.
The weapons are three AM and I am still not asleep thinking about everything wrong. The weapons are tempters. Things from the past, sharp, straight to the point.
They pack a punch, these weapons. More than any gun, sword, or bomb could. They hit you exactly where it hurts. Never missing their mark. Ever.
Now my spiritual warfare may make me sound like a complete nut case. I've written about this enemy many times. he is venom in my mouth, in my soul. he is near to the epitome of evil. he's been around for years and years. Because he knows I am meant to do marvelous, magnificent things. Things that will change the world. Things that will impact many.
This being knows I know that it exists... it knows that I know how it works.
he won't get far in his diabolical plan to destroy.
Thanks for reading.
Rewind
I wish there was a rewind button in life. Sort of like the movie Click, with Adam Sandler.
I would only use it once.
Just to relieve some stress.
Just to fix somethings that are now unfixable.
Just to take the edge off.
I feel as though most people want the rewind button at some point in their lives.
It's just a part of life,
We all make silly, stupid, hurtful, tragic, terrifying, scary, bad, terrible, irreversible mistakes.
Most mistakes turn out to be life lessons.
Even if they the lessons are as simple as, "I will never do that again."
I am hoping to find some sort of life lesson from my mistake.
So far, I've got nothing. But I will hopefully find one.
Pray for me.
Thanks.
Godspeed <3
I would only use it once.
Just to relieve some stress.
Just to fix somethings that are now unfixable.
Just to take the edge off.
I feel as though most people want the rewind button at some point in their lives.
It's just a part of life,
We all make silly, stupid, hurtful, tragic, terrifying, scary, bad, terrible, irreversible mistakes.
Most mistakes turn out to be life lessons.
Even if they the lessons are as simple as, "I will never do that again."
I am hoping to find some sort of life lesson from my mistake.
So far, I've got nothing. But I will hopefully find one.
Pray for me.
Thanks.
Godspeed <3
Saturday, June 8, 2013
To my Guardian,
It seems so crazy that our story only started a month ago. I cannot believe how absolutely crazy we are.... WE ARE CRAZY. I don't think we can tell each other that enough. I think our craziness brings smiles to peoples faces. I also think it causes others to want to throw up.... but I digress.
You tell me often how happy you are that we met. I usually say me too. However you, you are incredibly special. Words cannot explain how happy, how blessed I am to have gotten to know the wonderful man that you are.
When I gave you my phone number, and the next day we started talking; never in a million years did I think it would lead to us talking everyday, Skyping, and seeing each other as much as possible. Never in a millions years would I think that I would want to be near to someone so much. Never in a million years would I think that I would be having conversations like ours, at least not for years.
You are so much more than a man that I like to be around. You are so much more than a man whom I enjoy having conversations with. You are so much more than a man whom I love.
Words cannot describe how much you mean to me. How much your support, your love, your ability to put a smile on my face means to me.
I wish I could give you the world for everything you've done for me.
From cooking meals, to grocery shopping, to window shopping through the mall, to watching Monty Python with you. From laughing with you, falling asleep next to you, sneaking kisses at the stop lights. You have made me one of the happiest women alive.
I hope that I can make you as happy as you make me...
Thank you for being mine. I will always be yours.
With love,
Your Angel.
You tell me often how happy you are that we met. I usually say me too. However you, you are incredibly special. Words cannot explain how happy, how blessed I am to have gotten to know the wonderful man that you are.
When I gave you my phone number, and the next day we started talking; never in a million years did I think it would lead to us talking everyday, Skyping, and seeing each other as much as possible. Never in a millions years would I think that I would want to be near to someone so much. Never in a million years would I think that I would be having conversations like ours, at least not for years.
You are so much more than a man that I like to be around. You are so much more than a man whom I enjoy having conversations with. You are so much more than a man whom I love.
Words cannot describe how much you mean to me. How much your support, your love, your ability to put a smile on my face means to me.
I wish I could give you the world for everything you've done for me.
From cooking meals, to grocery shopping, to window shopping through the mall, to watching Monty Python with you. From laughing with you, falling asleep next to you, sneaking kisses at the stop lights. You have made me one of the happiest women alive.
I hope that I can make you as happy as you make me...
Thank you for being mine. I will always be yours.
With love,
Your Angel.
Wait for You- Atreyu
Your Guardian Angel- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
I Want Crazy- Hunter Hayes Covered by Julia Sheer
I Won't Give Up- Jason Mraz
Sunday, June 2, 2013
you,
I have told you I hate you. Many times actually. I've probably told you that I wish you would just leave me alone. To get out of my life forever. That I can't stand you. That I wish you didn't exist. That I wish you were gone.
We both know that those sayings aren't the case though...
I do know that you've been a constant in my life for a long time. I know that you'd do anything to make me think of you and only you. I know that you'd make me forget the real world and help me zone into yours; where everything was okay for a little while. But we both knew reality would catch up with me.
I remember all of your words like they were written on paper. Every lie you ever told me. Every false promise of a hopeful tomorrow. Every fake taste of happiness and love.
It makes me laugh how much I thought I needed you. That maybe something might change with you. That you will turn into something good. I am laughing now.
I know you know what you are. And for once I finally know what you are.
I know that you are death. I know that you are evil. I know that you are a sad excuse for a being. I know you are selfish. I know that you are lies. I know that you are hatred. I know that you are a deep dark pit of despair. I know that you are empty.
It makes me feel bad how empty you are. I feel incredibly sad for you. Because you will never know love. Because you will never know what it feels like to be happy without selfish reason. I feel bad for you because you will never have anyone who loves you or will share love with you. I am sorry for you.
I do want you to know that I forgive you for all the trouble you have caused. I will never forget what you did to me and those around me.
I hope that one day you will be free from your hole of sadness.
Please leave now.
~Me.
We both know that those sayings aren't the case though...
I do know that you've been a constant in my life for a long time. I know that you'd do anything to make me think of you and only you. I know that you'd make me forget the real world and help me zone into yours; where everything was okay for a little while. But we both knew reality would catch up with me.
I remember all of your words like they were written on paper. Every lie you ever told me. Every false promise of a hopeful tomorrow. Every fake taste of happiness and love.
It makes me laugh how much I thought I needed you. That maybe something might change with you. That you will turn into something good. I am laughing now.
I know you know what you are. And for once I finally know what you are.
I know that you are death. I know that you are evil. I know that you are a sad excuse for a being. I know you are selfish. I know that you are lies. I know that you are hatred. I know that you are a deep dark pit of despair. I know that you are empty.
It makes me feel bad how empty you are. I feel incredibly sad for you. Because you will never know love. Because you will never know what it feels like to be happy without selfish reason. I feel bad for you because you will never have anyone who loves you or will share love with you. I am sorry for you.
I do want you to know that I forgive you for all the trouble you have caused. I will never forget what you did to me and those around me.
I hope that one day you will be free from your hole of sadness.
Please leave now.
~Me.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Mind Leech
he invades every inch of my personal space.
he is emotionally and mentally abusive.
he wants me all to himself.
he wants every inch of me.
Covered in scars and mental bruises.
he wants me broken.
Unfix-able.
he wants me to think that to be unloved is the best way to live.
I cannot hurt anyone if I am unloved.
he is a mind leech.
Feeding on every word of hatred.
Every sad thought.
Every stupid mistake.
he will let those thoughts, mistakes, words marinate until he is ready to take them away with a swipe.
a scratch.
he hates when she is distracted by any thought that doesn't include him.
he hates that she has found someone who could save her.
he hates that someone.
he will do anything in his power to bring all of the attention back to him.
he is a selfish being.
Covered in hatred and blame.
he will work through others to get into her brain.
he will latch on to even the smallest sad, angry, frustrated thought.
he will use his charm to tell her she is fine.
he will use his wit to distract her from happiness.
he will do anything in his power to bring her back down to his level.
he will try to break her.
Until she has nothing left except him.
he is emotionally and mentally abusive.
he wants me all to himself.
he wants every inch of me.
Covered in scars and mental bruises.
he wants me broken.
Unfix-able.
he wants me to think that to be unloved is the best way to live.
I cannot hurt anyone if I am unloved.
he is a mind leech.
Feeding on every word of hatred.
Every sad thought.
Every stupid mistake.
he will let those thoughts, mistakes, words marinate until he is ready to take them away with a swipe.
a scratch.
he hates when she is distracted by any thought that doesn't include him.
he hates that she has found someone who could save her.
he hates that someone.
he will do anything in his power to bring all of the attention back to him.
he is a selfish being.
Covered in hatred and blame.
he will work through others to get into her brain.
he will latch on to even the smallest sad, angry, frustrated thought.
he will use his charm to tell her she is fine.
he will use his wit to distract her from happiness.
he will do anything in his power to bring her back down to his level.
he will try to break her.
Until she has nothing left except him.
he fed
he shadowed in the background of the moving car helping escalate the anger and frustration in her.
Helping her make fists and strained words of vulgarity towards the other in the car.
he was a puppeteer, working them both to spit fire at each other with extreme amounts of hatred.
he was in his own sick little heaven.
There was so much hatred for him to feed on.
So much pint up aggression and sadness.
he was more than happy when his main victim sped away to the sounds of her counter part yelling not to pick her up.
She fumed. Speeding fast, her thoughts running wild through her mind.
Words of hatred, sadness, confusion.
he fed.
Kneading her thoughts into bigger words of hatred, bigger words of aggravation.
Her heart felt like it was going to explode. It had been too long since she's had a episode like this.
Unable to control it, unable to express emotions other than anger and distress.
She turned to her phone, hoping to reach her guardian.
he was so deep into her thoughts that she couldn't accept that she was not okay.
She couldn't accept that this wasn't normal.
Her guardians words were so true, yet she was too far away to accept them.
The thoughts filled her head.
You're fine.
This is normal.
Suck it up.
You're overreacting.
It was your fault.
he was having a feast, these thoughts and words of hatred were filling his need to hurt to damage.
he fed off of her self hatred.
filling himself abundantly...
Helping her make fists and strained words of vulgarity towards the other in the car.
he was a puppeteer, working them both to spit fire at each other with extreme amounts of hatred.
he was in his own sick little heaven.
There was so much hatred for him to feed on.
So much pint up aggression and sadness.
he was more than happy when his main victim sped away to the sounds of her counter part yelling not to pick her up.
She fumed. Speeding fast, her thoughts running wild through her mind.
Words of hatred, sadness, confusion.
he fed.
Kneading her thoughts into bigger words of hatred, bigger words of aggravation.
Her heart felt like it was going to explode. It had been too long since she's had a episode like this.
Unable to control it, unable to express emotions other than anger and distress.
She turned to her phone, hoping to reach her guardian.
he was so deep into her thoughts that she couldn't accept that she was not okay.
She couldn't accept that this wasn't normal.
Her guardians words were so true, yet she was too far away to accept them.
The thoughts filled her head.
You're fine.
This is normal.
Suck it up.
You're overreacting.
It was your fault.
he was having a feast, these thoughts and words of hatred were filling his need to hurt to damage.
he fed off of her self hatred.
filling himself abundantly...
Sia- Breathe Me
Thursday, May 30, 2013
I Wonder...
I wonder if you would still want to be around me when I get into one of my cycles.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me when I yell.
When I scream with anger.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me when I am sad, crying, unable to stop.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me when I put on my facade.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you could read my thoughts.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw my past... all of it
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how scary I thought everything was.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how anxious I got about time.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how anxious I got all the time.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how I really thought of myself.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you how my brain worked .
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw me as I slept.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw me two months ago.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw my scars.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if I told you the stories on how I got each one of them.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how socially awkward I am.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how not social I actually am.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew that making decisions gives me an immense amount of anxiety.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how much I am like my mother.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw how my father and I interacted.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me when you finally hear me swear with anger.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me when you finally hear me swear with sadness.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw me when I'm not around you.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me when I yell.
When I scream with anger.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me when I am sad, crying, unable to stop.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me when I put on my facade.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you could read my thoughts.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw my past... all of it
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how scary I thought everything was.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how anxious I got about time.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how anxious I got all the time.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how I really thought of myself.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you how my brain worked .
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw me as I slept.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw me two months ago.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw my scars.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if I told you the stories on how I got each one of them.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how socially awkward I am.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how not social I actually am.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew that making decisions gives me an immense amount of anxiety.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you knew how much I am like my mother.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw how my father and I interacted.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me when you finally hear me swear with anger.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me when you finally hear me swear with sadness.
I wonder if you would still want to be around me if you saw me when I'm not around you.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Whole-Broken
You cannot fix those who don't want to be fixed.
You cannot change those who don't feel the need to changed.
You cannot talk to those who aren't willing to listen.
You cannot get rid of the toxic behaviors if those involved with the toxic behavior aren't willing to get rid of it also.
I hate to say it but my home is one that I cannot change on my own.
I've been told I need to change myself too many times.
I am trying to change myself.
I've let go of my anger.
I react to the toxins in a calm manner.
Yet it is still deadly to live in my home.
Why?
Because those involved in the toxic behavior aren't willing to change/ get rid of it either.
Which sucks.
Now I know that I shouldn't be complaining because my house is not a broken home. I have a whole family- Mother, Father, Siblings, and a dog. I am so thankful that my home is whole.
But inside each person is a piece of brokenness. A little part of them that they cannot fix or do not want to fix. Leading my home to be broken in a sense.
Now, I am not writing this because I hate my family and I want to out them for being hateful and terrible people. I love my family and would do anything for them. I do know that I am not alone in the sense that I have a whole-broken home.
Each family probably has their own toxic behaviors.
And I also know that there are a lot of whole-broken homes like mine that act like there is absolutely nothing wrong with them. That they are that happy-go-lucky family that everyone loves to be around. Yet when you are alone with just your family, it is hell on earth.
Let me repeat, I love my family. I love each and every one of them to bits and pieces. I would do anything for them if they asked.
My family has a lot we need to work on. We are no where near clean from this toxic atmosphere.
If your family is like mine, you are not alone. I know how tough it can be.
Godspeed <3
You cannot change those who don't feel the need to changed.
You cannot talk to those who aren't willing to listen.
You cannot get rid of the toxic behaviors if those involved with the toxic behavior aren't willing to get rid of it also.
I hate to say it but my home is one that I cannot change on my own.
I've been told I need to change myself too many times.
I am trying to change myself.
I've let go of my anger.
I react to the toxins in a calm manner.
Yet it is still deadly to live in my home.
Why?
Because those involved in the toxic behavior aren't willing to change/ get rid of it either.
Which sucks.
Now I know that I shouldn't be complaining because my house is not a broken home. I have a whole family- Mother, Father, Siblings, and a dog. I am so thankful that my home is whole.
But inside each person is a piece of brokenness. A little part of them that they cannot fix or do not want to fix. Leading my home to be broken in a sense.
Now, I am not writing this because I hate my family and I want to out them for being hateful and terrible people. I love my family and would do anything for them. I do know that I am not alone in the sense that I have a whole-broken home.
Each family probably has their own toxic behaviors.
And I also know that there are a lot of whole-broken homes like mine that act like there is absolutely nothing wrong with them. That they are that happy-go-lucky family that everyone loves to be around. Yet when you are alone with just your family, it is hell on earth.
Let me repeat, I love my family. I love each and every one of them to bits and pieces. I would do anything for them if they asked.
My family has a lot we need to work on. We are no where near clean from this toxic atmosphere.
If your family is like mine, you are not alone. I know how tough it can be.
Godspeed <3
Not Alone - Linkin Park
Monday, May 27, 2013
Blessed With the Path I've Been Given
It seems so strange the path I've been chosen to take. Just to think that about year ago I was accepting a dream "job". Gosh, it's just crazy to think that this will be the first time in... eight years that I won't be making the trek to Reedsburg, Wisconsin to see the wonders of a summer camp that built me into the person I am today.
It's absolutely crazy how God's plan works. There have been many an obstacle I needed to conquer to bring me to the point in my life I am at today. To think that I have been so incredibly blessed by those obstacles and by the amazing times I've had this past year.
Let me just say this past year has been quite different. I started off the year in a dark place. A very dark place. Then got the biggest opportunity in a long time; spent three months in paradise- which wasn't entirely paradise, but a great big life lesson, filled with a billion and one moments where I am in absolute paradise.
Soon after I came home from "paradise" I spent a semester without clue on what I was doing. I had next to nothing to go after. No goals. No reason to do anything. I was at again another low point. I knew it. My family knew it. If you read my writing you probably knew it too...
I am not proud of those times in my life. I don't enjoy feeling so low. When I feel that low, a silly little facade comes out. Let me explain, I have a reputation of being the happy-go-lucky, optimistic, yada yada yada. Of course I enjoy being optimistic, because makes others happy and feel loved.
Even though I enjoy making people happy and feel like they're loved, the facade was something I don't like. Why? The facade is not- I repeat NOT- me. I do not enjoy the mask. I do not enjoy not dealing with my other emotions. I do not enjoy having people think it's weird that I get sad. It makes me laugh when people think it's weird when I have "stuff".
What I'm trying to say is that, if I was still on my path to working at my "paradise dream job". I would still have to keep up this silly little facade. I would still probably be stuck in my little rut. Which wouldn't be very fun.
Though I am not going back to the place I called home for so long. I know I'm where I am right now for a reason. This path I've been lead to has been so great. At this very moment I feel incredibly blessed. I have not felt so blessed in such a long time. Right now, I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be, with the people I am supposed to be sharing my experiences with. And I will continue to be thankful for all I have and who I am with.
Thank you for reading.
Godspeed <3
It's absolutely crazy how God's plan works. There have been many an obstacle I needed to conquer to bring me to the point in my life I am at today. To think that I have been so incredibly blessed by those obstacles and by the amazing times I've had this past year.
Let me just say this past year has been quite different. I started off the year in a dark place. A very dark place. Then got the biggest opportunity in a long time; spent three months in paradise- which wasn't entirely paradise, but a great big life lesson, filled with a billion and one moments where I am in absolute paradise.
Soon after I came home from "paradise" I spent a semester without clue on what I was doing. I had next to nothing to go after. No goals. No reason to do anything. I was at again another low point. I knew it. My family knew it. If you read my writing you probably knew it too...
I am not proud of those times in my life. I don't enjoy feeling so low. When I feel that low, a silly little facade comes out. Let me explain, I have a reputation of being the happy-go-lucky, optimistic, yada yada yada. Of course I enjoy being optimistic, because makes others happy and feel loved.
Even though I enjoy making people happy and feel like they're loved, the facade was something I don't like. Why? The facade is not- I repeat NOT- me. I do not enjoy the mask. I do not enjoy not dealing with my other emotions. I do not enjoy having people think it's weird that I get sad. It makes me laugh when people think it's weird when I have "stuff".
What I'm trying to say is that, if I was still on my path to working at my "paradise dream job". I would still have to keep up this silly little facade. I would still probably be stuck in my little rut. Which wouldn't be very fun.
Though I am not going back to the place I called home for so long. I know I'm where I am right now for a reason. This path I've been lead to has been so great. At this very moment I feel incredibly blessed. I have not felt so blessed in such a long time. Right now, I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be, with the people I am supposed to be sharing my experiences with. And I will continue to be thankful for all I have and who I am with.
Thank you for reading.
Godspeed <3
Thursday, May 23, 2013
I Want Crazy.
I want feathers everywhere.
I want dreams.
I want hope.
I want light.
I want talking all day.
I want thinking of only you.
I want adventure.
I want not normal.
I want insanity.
I want slow.
I want fast.
I want late night dinners of fish sticks and mac and cheese.
I want looking at kittens.
I want holding hands while driving.
I want stop light kisses.
I want understanding.
I want love.
I want hazel blue eyes.
I want sleepy afternoons.
I want trust.
I want doing dishes together.
I want long walks on the beach.
I want silly museum trips.
I want bowling.
I want competitive ski ball.
I want watching those arrows on the DDR screen in amazement.
I want too long goodbyes.
I want texts about your life.
I want Skype calls.
I want hugs from behind.
I want awkward car hugs.
I want you.
I want crazy.
I want dreams.
I want hope.
I want light.
I want talking all day.
I want thinking of only you.
I want adventure.
I want not normal.
I want insanity.
I want slow.
I want fast.
I want late night dinners of fish sticks and mac and cheese.
I want looking at kittens.
I want holding hands while driving.
I want stop light kisses.
I want understanding.
I want love.
I want hazel blue eyes.
I want sleepy afternoons.
I want trust.
I want doing dishes together.
I want long walks on the beach.
I want silly museum trips.
I want bowling.
I want competitive ski ball.
I want watching those arrows on the DDR screen in amazement.
I want too long goodbyes.
I want texts about your life.
I want Skype calls.
I want hugs from behind.
I want awkward car hugs.
I want you.
I want crazy.
I Want Crazy-Hunter Hayes (Covered by Julia Sheer)
Monday, May 20, 2013
Together.
"Cherub, he is here for a reason. I gave him to you because I know you both can grow, heal." His words filled my wondering mind.
"You can see him working, healing you, saving. He is so much more for you. I made him for you. You can heal together."
I couldn't speak. tongue-tied by the love of my Creator. He could see my dazed look.
"Cherub, My child, I love you. I made you to do marvelous deeds. To help my children, to save lives. You cannot do that when you are broken. Let me fix you. Let my love flow through you to help him."
My words were stuttered. "But w-what about the..." I couldn't seem to bring myself to say what he was.
"he will be around, but together you are strong. He cannot hurt you when you are together. Pray to me, love whole-heartedly. Don't show him the attention he wants. Love what I've given."
His words stuck in my mind as he shifted invisible.
Love whole-heartedly, love what I've given to you....
"You can see him working, healing you, saving. He is so much more for you. I made him for you. You can heal together."
I couldn't speak. tongue-tied by the love of my Creator. He could see my dazed look.
"Cherub, My child, I love you. I made you to do marvelous deeds. To help my children, to save lives. You cannot do that when you are broken. Let me fix you. Let my love flow through you to help him."
My words were stuttered. "But w-what about the..." I couldn't seem to bring myself to say what he was.
"he will be around, but together you are strong. He cannot hurt you when you are together. Pray to me, love whole-heartedly. Don't show him the attention he wants. Love what I've given."
His words stuck in my mind as he shifted invisible.
Love whole-heartedly, love what I've given to you....
Saved.
he lurked in the shadows.
Waiting for the perfect moment.
The moment when I was at my weakest.
My worst. Most vulnerable.
he was a patient being.
he knew that it wouldn't be too long before I was left alone again.
Stuck only with my thoughts and regrets.
The shadows inched closer and closer towards me.
he moved slowly moving the shadows to surround me.
Engulf me.
It was as though I was stuck in a whirlwind of blackness.
It was cold.
The frozen air cut through me leaving scrapes and scratches.
My mind became ice.
Frozen, thinking only of my wrongs.
My fears.
My regrets.
They flowed over me like a tidal wave.
Tidal waves of anguish passed over me one after another.
I felt as though I was drowning as I began to sink to the floor.
The shadow man moved closer.
I knew his touch.
Frost bitten and painful.
he drew closer whispering words of hatred through my ears.
I wanted peace. I wanted release from this agony.
The shadows quickly scattered to the corners of the room hiding themselves from something.
I couldn't see. The world had changed from darkness to intense amounts of light.
It hit every corner of the room leaving the shadows with no where to hide.
he wasn't happy with the illumination.
he hissed and screamed infuriated with this brilliant light.
The light wrapped itself around me.
Healing the scratches, making them disappear.
The light became solid, forming arms wrapping around me.
A strong body, protecting me from the shadow man.
A face. A familiar face.
Hazel blue eyes, shining through the light.
Staring into mine.
The shadow man began to dissolve from the amount of light burning into him.
With a final scream he was gone.
Leaving me alone with the illuminated guardian.
No words were exchanged between me and my guardian.
We lingered in the light.
Waiting for the perfect moment.
The moment when I was at my weakest.
My worst. Most vulnerable.
he was a patient being.
he knew that it wouldn't be too long before I was left alone again.
Stuck only with my thoughts and regrets.
The shadows inched closer and closer towards me.
he moved slowly moving the shadows to surround me.
Engulf me.
It was as though I was stuck in a whirlwind of blackness.
It was cold.
The frozen air cut through me leaving scrapes and scratches.
My mind became ice.
Frozen, thinking only of my wrongs.
My fears.
My regrets.
They flowed over me like a tidal wave.
Tidal waves of anguish passed over me one after another.
I felt as though I was drowning as I began to sink to the floor.
The shadow man moved closer.
I knew his touch.
Frost bitten and painful.
he drew closer whispering words of hatred through my ears.
I wanted peace. I wanted release from this agony.
The shadows quickly scattered to the corners of the room hiding themselves from something.
I couldn't see. The world had changed from darkness to intense amounts of light.
It hit every corner of the room leaving the shadows with no where to hide.
he wasn't happy with the illumination.
he hissed and screamed infuriated with this brilliant light.
The light wrapped itself around me.
Healing the scratches, making them disappear.
The light became solid, forming arms wrapping around me.
A strong body, protecting me from the shadow man.
A face. A familiar face.
Hazel blue eyes, shining through the light.
Staring into mine.
The shadow man began to dissolve from the amount of light burning into him.
With a final scream he was gone.
Leaving me alone with the illuminated guardian.
No words were exchanged between me and my guardian.
We lingered in the light.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Three Simple Words
I like you.
You are cute.
Let's go out.
I am happy.
I am too.
I love you.
I love you.
Be with me.
Don't leave me.
Stay with me.
I want you.
I hate you.
I need you.
Leave me alone.
I need you.
Wait come back.
Where are you?
What happens now?
What do I...
How do I...
I love you.
I love you...
Love you too.
Love me forever.
Marry me please.
Yes I do.
I do too.
I hate you.
Kiss me now.
Hold me tight.
Take my hand.
Love me forever.
We are pregnant.
It's a girl.
It's a boy.
It is twins.
But the money.
He got deployed.
I am sick.
I've grown tired.
I love you.
Be strong please.
Lay with me.
I'll keep praying.
I love you.
Keep me safe.
Love you, Mom.
Love you, Dad.
You are mine.
I love you.
I love you...
I love you...
You are cute.
Let's go out.
I am happy.
I am too.
I love you.
I love you.
Be with me.
Don't leave me.
Stay with me.
I want you.
I hate you.
I need you.
Leave me alone.
I need you.
Wait come back.
Where are you?
What happens now?
What do I...
How do I...
I love you.
I love you...
Love you too.
Love me forever.
Marry me please.
Yes I do.
I do too.
I hate you.
Kiss me now.
Hold me tight.
Take my hand.
Love me forever.
We are pregnant.
It's a girl.
It's a boy.
It is twins.
But the money.
He got deployed.
I am sick.
I've grown tired.
I love you.
Be strong please.
Lay with me.
I'll keep praying.
I love you.
Keep me safe.
Love you, Mom.
Love you, Dad.
You are mine.
I love you.
I love you...
I love you...
Monday, May 13, 2013
I Just Want Peace in my Home.
"I think it's time for you to go back on the medication..." Her tone was artificial. Her words seemed to be ones not said out of fear, but out of forged feeling.
"Mother, the medication won't help with sleep. The medication will stop me from feeling sadness. I know that doesn't sound terrible, Mom-"
"I just want peace in my home." she interfered walking away.
The medication will not stop me from feeling angry because of the numbness of not feeling sad, Mother. I thought to myself.
The medication cannot help me in school, Mother.
The medication cannot help me be motivated, Mother.
The medication cannot help me be happy; it can only block sadness, Mother...
Her words marinated in my mind for the continuation of the night.
I just want peace in my home, I just want peace in my home. I just want peace in my home.
I fell asleep hearing her words. Nightmares crowded my mind.
An anarchy, chaos, confusion.
It was loud.
Riots, papers flying, devastation.
Though it wasn't a city or a world filled with lawlessness.
It was a mind.
Neurons tangled around each other pumping different chemicals and thoughts.
Causing an emotional upset.
Pandemonium.
By the end of this delusion the neurons became a discombobulation of dead cells.
I woke in a cold sweat.
I just want peace in my home.
"Mother, the medication won't help with sleep. The medication will stop me from feeling sadness. I know that doesn't sound terrible, Mom-"
"I just want peace in my home." she interfered walking away.
The medication will not stop me from feeling angry because of the numbness of not feeling sad, Mother. I thought to myself.
The medication cannot help me in school, Mother.
The medication cannot help me be motivated, Mother.
The medication cannot help me be happy; it can only block sadness, Mother...
Her words marinated in my mind for the continuation of the night.
I just want peace in my home, I just want peace in my home. I just want peace in my home.
I fell asleep hearing her words. Nightmares crowded my mind.
An anarchy, chaos, confusion.
It was loud.
Riots, papers flying, devastation.
Though it wasn't a city or a world filled with lawlessness.
It was a mind.
Neurons tangled around each other pumping different chemicals and thoughts.
Causing an emotional upset.
Pandemonium.
By the end of this delusion the neurons became a discombobulation of dead cells.
I woke in a cold sweat.
I just want peace in my home.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
A lot.
We walked along the beach, my feet lightly skimming the tide with each step I took.
Feathers. I thought. Feathers everywhere.
I remembered the old Native American folk tale saying that feathers meant you were on the right path.
With this man? I'm on the right path? My mind was starting to twist in knots. These stinking feathers are everywhere.
He wasn't far from me as I was overcome with thought.
"You okay?" he said grabbing hold of my hand, gently pulling me from the shallow water beneath my feet. "You seem a little distracted."
I looked at him, the sunlight hitting my eyes just right. Making me pull a face that made him smile and pull me close in his embrace.
"Tell me what is on your mind." he whispered pressing me closer to him gently.
He made my mind go blank when he spoke. He made me feel safe. At home. Yet I was still terrified that this was all a trick.
He pulled me away from himself slightly, looking intensely at me, "Michelle, what's on your mind?"
I looked away quickly, not wanting him to see my thoughts shine through my eyes.
I quickly pulled myself into him and whispered, "A lot."
Feathers. I thought. Feathers everywhere.
I remembered the old Native American folk tale saying that feathers meant you were on the right path.
With this man? I'm on the right path? My mind was starting to twist in knots. These stinking feathers are everywhere.
He wasn't far from me as I was overcome with thought.
"You okay?" he said grabbing hold of my hand, gently pulling me from the shallow water beneath my feet. "You seem a little distracted."
I looked at him, the sunlight hitting my eyes just right. Making me pull a face that made him smile and pull me close in his embrace.
"Tell me what is on your mind." he whispered pressing me closer to him gently.
He made my mind go blank when he spoke. He made me feel safe. At home. Yet I was still terrified that this was all a trick.
He pulled me away from himself slightly, looking intensely at me, "Michelle, what's on your mind?"
I looked away quickly, not wanting him to see my thoughts shine through my eyes.
I quickly pulled myself into him and whispered, "A lot."
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Looking at you
He never said what his name was.
I couldn't take a simple moment just to look him over.
His blue hazel eyes were always on me.
Not in a bad, menacing way; he had more of a protective look, loving and watchful.
After our first handshake his touch was never too far away.
His touch wasn't suffocating, it was affectionate, guardian like.
Is this what my Savior wanted for me? A guardian? my mind raced as we walked. Not that I mind him here....
My thought's came to a sudden halt, just as we did. His gaze took me out of my thoughts and back to reality.
"Why do you look at me like that?" I asked.
His face contorted slightly as he thought, "It just feels right, ya know?
I couldn't take a simple moment just to look him over.
His blue hazel eyes were always on me.
Not in a bad, menacing way; he had more of a protective look, loving and watchful.
After our first handshake his touch was never too far away.
His touch wasn't suffocating, it was affectionate, guardian like.
Is this what my Savior wanted for me? A guardian? my mind raced as we walked. Not that I mind him here....
My thought's came to a sudden halt, just as we did. His gaze took me out of my thoughts and back to reality.
"Why do you look at me like that?" I asked.
His face contorted slightly as he thought, "It just feels right, ya know?
Monday, May 6, 2013
Simple Hello
He reaches into His pocket.
My Child, this is for you.
Let him guide you to love.
He was tall. His features were ones I couldn't forget. His eyes were filled with gentle love.
"But how do I know this will be good? You've seen what has happened before. How do you know he will be the one to guide me to love?" I look past the being in front of me, into my saviors eyes.
My darling Child, trust in Me. In My want for you. In My ability to give love freely without hate. My child, I want the best for you. I want My love to shine through you.
It took a second for His words to sink in to my soul. My eyes were stuck searching this new beings eyes for anything... ulterior motives, revenge, hatred of any sort.
I saw nothing, but gentle love.
I took one last glance at The Creator, as He shifted invisible.
Our eyes met again, his a hazel blue shade with a slight illumination to them.
I stretched my hand out taking a slight step forward. Hoping to make some sort of peace offering with our fingers.
"Hi." I breathed. "I'm Michelle."
His hand reached mine, filling me with electricity.
"Hello." He said with a simple smile.
My Child, this is for you.
Let him guide you to love.
He was tall. His features were ones I couldn't forget. His eyes were filled with gentle love.
"But how do I know this will be good? You've seen what has happened before. How do you know he will be the one to guide me to love?" I look past the being in front of me, into my saviors eyes.
My darling Child, trust in Me. In My want for you. In My ability to give love freely without hate. My child, I want the best for you. I want My love to shine through you.
It took a second for His words to sink in to my soul. My eyes were stuck searching this new beings eyes for anything... ulterior motives, revenge, hatred of any sort.
I saw nothing, but gentle love.
I took one last glance at The Creator, as He shifted invisible.
Our eyes met again, his a hazel blue shade with a slight illumination to them.
I stretched my hand out taking a slight step forward. Hoping to make some sort of peace offering with our fingers.
"Hi." I breathed. "I'm Michelle."
His hand reached mine, filling me with electricity.
"Hello." He said with a simple smile.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Life is good
Let me just say the past day and a half I've been in a really great mood. Life is going okay. I just don't really know what to say quite yet. Life is good.
Here is a little tune I've been listening to all day.
Godspeed <3
Here is a little tune I've been listening to all day.
Godspeed <3
Caitlin Bell singing Taylor Swift's - Begin Again
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Thank You for the Life Lessons.
It has been about 4 weeks since we have had a legitimate conversation.
It's been 4 weeks since I've felt anything for you.
It's been about 5 weeks since you've called me beautiful.
It's been about 5 weeks since you have said anything remotely attractive or kind to me.
Yet every single day I think about you.
Every single day I hope you're doing okay...
I can't thank you enough for all you did for me.
You helped me boost my confidence.
You made me feel like I could actually do the whole "go-see-a-guy-and-do-dinner" type of thing.
Yet... we never actually did that. Did we?
There was always an ulterior motive with you.
It was never just a movie, or a walk in the park, or dinner.
But I went along with your games.
I seemed to enjoy them, I always thought I was one step ahead.
I never was.
Then came the period where we didn't talk.
It's been about five weeks now.
And though I had said it was done because I wouldn't deal with just waiting around for you,
I still don't feel that closure.
Which is one of the worst feelings ever.
And I hate you for it.
But I don't hate you, I wish with every bone in my body I hated you.
I dislike how you treated me.
And I dislike how I felt after I saw you last.
But I can't help but thank you for the life lessons you taught me.
I can't help but thank you for showing me how I should be treated.
I wish you the best my dear.
Thank you for everything.
Really, thank you...
With love,
Me
It's been 4 weeks since I've felt anything for you.
It's been about 5 weeks since you've called me beautiful.
It's been about 5 weeks since you have said anything remotely attractive or kind to me.
Yet every single day I think about you.
Every single day I hope you're doing okay...
I can't thank you enough for all you did for me.
You helped me boost my confidence.
You made me feel like I could actually do the whole "go-see-a-guy-and-do-dinner" type of thing.
Yet... we never actually did that. Did we?
There was always an ulterior motive with you.
It was never just a movie, or a walk in the park, or dinner.
But I went along with your games.
I seemed to enjoy them, I always thought I was one step ahead.
I never was.
Then came the period where we didn't talk.
It's been about five weeks now.
And though I had said it was done because I wouldn't deal with just waiting around for you,
I still don't feel that closure.
Which is one of the worst feelings ever.
And I hate you for it.
But I don't hate you, I wish with every bone in my body I hated you.
I dislike how you treated me.
And I dislike how I felt after I saw you last.
But I can't help but thank you for the life lessons you taught me.
I can't help but thank you for showing me how I should be treated.
I wish you the best my dear.
Thank you for everything.
Really, thank you...
With love,
Me
You'll Think of Me- Keith Urban
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Silly Stupid Mistakes.
There are times when all I want to do is help.
Make people feel better when they are going through hell.
I've found that I don't usually help, but hurt.
I am still trying to understand why I do this.
Why I try and force myself onto others problems and be there for them when they don't want me to.
It's quite silly.
I think it's a distraction.
From my own hell.
I don't want to say that I live through hell, because there are people who have worse situations than I.
Most of us have our own hell's we live through.
Some it's financial issues,
Others it's family issues,
Others it's a chemical imbalance,
Others it's friend situations.
Others it's all of the above.
It's been a over seven years and I'm still not ready to talk about what my hell fully was.
I don't know if I ever will be.
Part of me is ashamed with what I've done in my past.
Another part of me wants to say it doesn't matter anymore because it's in fact the past.
While most of myself still looks at it almost everyday and gets upset at what I've done.
Silly stupid mistakes.
That should mean nothing, mean the world to me.
I have recently talked to someone who is going through their own hell.
I wanted to be there for this person more than I wanted to be there for someone.
Because I cared about this person more than I think they cared about me.
It's been a few days since this person and I have spoken,
I cant help it but I mentally push them away from them.
Which is really stupid.
But it's protection for myself.
So I don't get hurt.
Crazy thinking.
Because I'm hurting myself in the process.
Making me crawl back to the "hell" I live.
It happens to all.
Do not be ashamed of it.
But try not to embrace it fully either.
Let your "hell" be something that doesn't control your life.
I am learning to do this.
Let's go on this journey together.
Make people feel better when they are going through hell.
I've found that I don't usually help, but hurt.
I am still trying to understand why I do this.
Why I try and force myself onto others problems and be there for them when they don't want me to.
It's quite silly.
I think it's a distraction.
From my own hell.
I don't want to say that I live through hell, because there are people who have worse situations than I.
Most of us have our own hell's we live through.
Some it's financial issues,
Others it's family issues,
Others it's a chemical imbalance,
Others it's friend situations.
Others it's all of the above.
It's been a over seven years and I'm still not ready to talk about what my hell fully was.
I don't know if I ever will be.
Part of me is ashamed with what I've done in my past.
Another part of me wants to say it doesn't matter anymore because it's in fact the past.
While most of myself still looks at it almost everyday and gets upset at what I've done.
Silly stupid mistakes.
That should mean nothing, mean the world to me.
I have recently talked to someone who is going through their own hell.
I wanted to be there for this person more than I wanted to be there for someone.
Because I cared about this person more than I think they cared about me.
It's been a few days since this person and I have spoken,
I cant help it but I mentally push them away from them.
Which is really stupid.
But it's protection for myself.
So I don't get hurt.
Crazy thinking.
Because I'm hurting myself in the process.
Making me crawl back to the "hell" I live.
It happens to all.
Do not be ashamed of it.
But try not to embrace it fully either.
Let your "hell" be something that doesn't control your life.
I am learning to do this.
Let's go on this journey together.
Rain Falls Down- We The Kings
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Trust in Me.
Be carefree around me.
Do not worry about anything when you're with me.
Let me be your escape.
Let me be a world forgotten.
I care about you more than you will ever know.
I will be there for you through the thick and the thin.
I will be there to help you.
I will be there when you need a place to stand.
I will be there when you need a place to cry.
I will be there throughout the journey.
Trust in me.
Let me be your guide.
Let me be your hand hold.
Let me be there for you.
Let everything be as it was.
But let me be there for you.
Let me care for you.
I will always be there for you.
Always.
Do not worry about anything when you're with me.
Let me be your escape.
Let me be a world forgotten.
I care about you more than you will ever know.
I will be there for you through the thick and the thin.
I will be there to help you.
I will be there when you need a place to stand.
I will be there when you need a place to cry.
I will be there throughout the journey.
Trust in me.
Let me be your guide.
Let me be your hand hold.
Let me be there for you.
Let everything be as it was.
But let me be there for you.
Let me care for you.
I will always be there for you.
Always.
Don't Go- Jake Coco ft. Caitlin Hart
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